Help Please! I have a BIG PROBLEM fixing my creative writing

[Still Waters]

Yesterday I dug up the first short story I ever wrote, back in 2011. I loved it at the time. It is a hybrid between real experiences from my life, and some necessary fiction to move the scenes along. I'm not sure if it constitutes creative non-fiction, but something of that nature. I wrote it in all of a week and it was as easy to write as it was cathartic for me. I loved it, because it was the first writing I'd ever finished that told my experience of life from my perspective: disconnected from reality, as it were. I felt I had done my suffering justice.

I began trying to fix it up yesterday, and again just now. My problem is that as soon as I begin to read anything I've written (especially anything creative or non-academic), I just get overwhelmed with how lousy it is and I quit, because it is so bad, I feel like the job is too enormous for me to take on, if I'm even capable of doing it. I just scrutinize my work, I hate my work and feel like there's no point... And it's very interesting to note that I recently gave up (again) on Oriental dance for the exact same reason. I just look at what I'm doing and think, I am so bad at this, and I've been doing it for years, it doesn't even seem worth doing anymore. I feel like I'm a lost cause.

There is only one creative thing I love to do that I don't have this paralyzing self-criticism with, and it is drawing shapes and designs--NOT realistic objects or scenes, no, because I can't draw. I just draw shapes and designs. It's like the only thing I can do that nobody (including myself) is breathing down my neck and yelling at me about, because I'm doing it all wrong, because I can't do it wrong, because it's not supposed to be anything. I completely follow my whims and plan nothing. Drawings like this:

Literally everything else I do in my life comes with crippling levels judgment, at best.

Moreover, whenever I try to plan anything, when I set out to draw a specific design or thing, it never goes to plan. I end up with something completely different than what I wanted or intended to draw. This situation bleeds into all areas of my life, including my writing. My plans never work out, so I've all but stopped making plans now.

I don't know what to do about these problems.

Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do... And yet, throughout the worst decades of my life, poetry and poetic thoughts just rolled out of my pen. But I needed it then. It was the only thing keeping me sane. Nowadays, these drawings flow like my poems used to...

All I can think of to do is to sit down and do some soul-searching about this...

 

[AgentPete]

You know, I’ve often recommended journaling.

It can serve several helpful functions.

First, you can look at it in a different, non-critical way. Journaling is after all just for you: no-one else. It doesn’t matter what other people think of it - they’re never going to see it.

Journaling let’s you approach the writing function without worrying about external judgement. It removes the poisonous, toxic fear of being judged and found wanting.

Also, journaling can be highly beneficial for analysing and working through no end of internal issues (such as the one you’ve just described).

P.

 

[Still Waters]

You know, I’ve often recommended journaling.

It can serve several helpful functions.

First, you can look at it in a different, non-critical way. Journaling is after all just for you: no-one else. It doesn’t matter what other people think of it - they’re never going to see it.

Journaling let’s you approach the writing function without worrying about external judgement. It removes the poisonous, toxic fear of being judged and found wanting.

Also, journaling can be highly beneficial for analysing and working through no end of internal issues (such as the one you’ve just described).

P.

I've been journaling since I was 11 years old. Literally everything I ever write and have ever written is for my eyes only, and the few I've tried to share something with had no interest. So, yes, that's where I am.

When I wrote in my "I'm New - Welcome" thread that I'm addicted to writing, I was talking specifically about journaling, and writing in general. And, as I said, it kept me sane. Nobody ever reads what I write except me. That's why I don't want to show anything to anyone. No, I don't want to show anything to anyone, because I'm already low enough and people harshly criticizing what I already know stinks is just going to demoralize me even more.

 

[Vagabond Heart]

Hey Still Waters.
I think many of us can relate to what you're saying, in some way, and at some time in our lives. We all have that critical voice in our head, to a greater or lesser extent. You are not alone.

One of the problems with that voice is that it's always negative. How many times does it point our how well you've done or how brilliant you are? And if we take the law of averages alone, there must be at least moments in everyone's lives where we do well, surely? So what I'm saying is that voice is not to be trusted as if it is speaking nothing but the truth. Cos logic says it can't be.
Try and keep that in mind next time it's telling you that something you've done is lousy and pointless, okay? Introduce at least some doubt into the equation.

As an artist myself, can I say how much I like your artwork. I, too, find that if I sit down to do something specific it never turns out the way I wanted it too. But I've learnt to trust in the process of having 'happy accidents'. If I'm using a fluid medium, like paint, I get lots of 'accidents' where the medium does something entirely different than I intended it too. But these are often the moments that bring something alive. They give it an energy that a more considered approach would block.
So, if you can, consider the idea that things that at first seem 'wrong' (by the definition of being not what you intended or wanted) can be the things that take your work to a new level. Perhaps let the medium you choose be a co-creator with you?

As regards writing - here's the extraordinary thing: we all write rubbish to start with. All of us. But practice makes us better. I remember my first day studying Creative Writing at University, about 12 years ago. I was told the more you do this, the better you'll get. And by the time I graduated, I realised they were right. I was better from practicing it.

Then I joined Litopia. I put my work up for critique, received absolute loads of feedback about what wasn't working, and just had to get on with re-writing, over and over again. And guess what? The more I did it, the better I got. Especially once I started honing my skills by looking at other's work and the feedback they were getting. And learning what to look for, and how to give good feedback too.

Am I the writer I want to be? Hell, no. That might come soon, or a long time from now, or never at all. Does it matter? No. Because, like you, I write because I must. But every time I write I get a tiny bit better than last time, and I know I'm a step nearer that goal.

So, quit what makes you miserable, by all means. But keep going with things that make you feel good in your own skin and grounded on this Earth, whatever your level of expertise. Do things that keep you so utterly immersed you wonder where the time has gone. Do things that make you feel as if you're touching the heart of yourself more than with any other activity. Don't get tied up in worrying about the result - do them because it's good to be alive and able to do them.

Bit by bit, you'll find your path. xx

 

[Sedayne]

Hi @Still Waters,

Your dilemma resonates. And VH talks a lot of sense; I always heed her wisdom.

A writer writes because they are compelled to - it doesn't feel like there is any choice about it. So I don't think you'll give it up.
But there are (at least) two reasons for any creative endeavour - the process itself and whatever peace, joy, insight, catharsis that brings us personally, and the motivation to produce creative work for other people to be inspired, to enjoy, to learn, to feel less alone and, horror of horror, to judge. Because people do. And that's the awful scary thing. Except that we already judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else ever will, so maybe if you look at it that way it's not so scary.

The first feedback I got on Litopia after plucking up the courage to share a small portion of the three volume trilogy I'd been working on for years, made me want to cry and delete everything I had ever written. Until I checked my paranoia and read the feedback again and realised it was actually rather kind and helpful and just steering me onto a better path.

So whether you keep doing it for yourself, or you tentatively put it 'out there' for others, you will keep writing. And it's likely that no critic will ever be as harsh as your own inner voice.

We already know you can write, because your posts are beautifully written. And the best way to do anything well is to do it a lot and keep on doing it, which is exactly what you do.

Love the artwork too.

Best regards,
Rachel

 

[AgentPete]

One of the problems with that voice is that it's always negative. How many times does it point our how well you've done or how brilliant you are? And if we take the law of averages alone, there must be at least moments in everyone's lives where we do well, surely? So what I'm saying is that voice is not to be trusted as if it is speaking nothing but the truth. Cos logic says it can't be.
Try and keep that in mind next time it's telling you that something you've done is lousy and pointless, okay? Introduce at least some doubt into the equation.

A writer writes because they are compelled to - it doesn't feel like there is any choice about it. So I don't think you'll give it up.
But there are (at least) two reasons for any creative endeavour - the process itself and whatever peace, joy, insight, catharsis that brings us personally, and the motivation to produce creative work for other people to be inspired, to enjoy, to learn, to feel less alone and, horror of horror, to judge. Because people do. And that's the awful scary thing. Except that we already judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else ever will, so maybe if you look at it that way it's not so scary.

Brilliant insights. Hard-won. p.

 

[MattScho]

I had the privelege of working for four years with a couple professional writing coaches. The best advice I ever received was: Never look back. Always move forward.
What you wrote in 2011 was written by a different you. Of course older, different you gets"overwhelmed with how lousy it is and I quit, because it is so bad, I feel like the job is too enormous for me to take on, if I'm even capable of doing it. I just scrutinize my work, I hate my work and feel like there's no point..."
We change as we age. I don't say we get better, because we sure AF do not (just ask my many, many aches and pains), but we do change.
You wrote in the voice of 2011 you. 2024 has to find a new voice.
I did what you're attempting over the last two years. I wrote 105.000 words and completed a work that I had started way back.
And then, with some help from here, i realized it really, really did not work. It now resides in a digital trash pile. I did strip some of the stuff I thought worked out and I'm now reusing them, but that might just be a huge mistake, as well.
My advice: read and honestly critique as many pieces put up for critique on Litopia as you can. Study what you see in them that you like, and what you feel could be done better. Help other writers in doing this, but also, really help yourself.
At this point, I usually revert to remind folks of Joseph Grand, from Camus' The Plague, who kept writing and rewriting the same sentence in search of perfection, and refusing to move on. And then, of course, plague.
It's an easy trap to find yourself lost in. Everyone on here has been in that trap at points in their writing life. I find myself in it once or twice a year.
We all hope you stay with it, and realize there is no sign of failing about being at this point. You're just growing as a writer, which is something we all hope we are doing, every day we write.

 

[Still Waters]

Hey Still Waters.
I think many of us can relate to what you're saying, in some way, and at some time in our lives. We all have that critical voice in our head, to a greater or lesser extent. You are not alone.

One of the problems with that voice is that it's always negative. How many times does it point our how well you've done or how brilliant you are? And if we take the law of averages alone, there must be at least moments in everyone's lives where we do well, surely? So what I'm saying is that voice is not to be trusted as if it is speaking nothing but the truth. Cos logic says it can't be.
Try and keep that in mind next time it's telling you that something you've done is lousy and pointless, okay? Introduce at least some doubt into the equation.

As an artist myself, can I say how much I like your artwork. I, too, find that if I sit down to do something specific it never turns out the way I wanted it too. But I've learnt to trust in the process of having 'happy accidents'. If I'm using a fluid medium, like paint, I get lots of 'accidents' where the medium does something entirely different than I intended it too. But these are often the moments that bring something alive. They give it an energy that a more considered approach would block.
So, if you can, consider the idea that things that at first seem 'wrong' (by the definition of being not what you intended or wanted) can be the things that take your work to a new level. Perhaps let the medium you choose be a co-creator with you?

As regards writing - here's the extraordinary thing: we all write rubbish to start with. All of us. But practice makes us better. I remember my first day studying Creative Writing at University, about 12 years ago. I was told the more you do this, the better you'll get. And by the time I graduated, I realised they were right. I was better from practicing it.

Then I joined Litopia. I put my work up for critique, received absolute loads of feedback about what wasn't working, and just had to get on with re-writing, over and over again. And guess what? The more I did it, the better I got. Especially once I started honing my skills by looking at other's work and the feedback they were getting. And learning what to look for, and how to give good feedback too.

Am I the writer I want to be? Hell, no. That might come soon, or a long time from now, or never at all. Does it matter? No. Because, like you, I write because I must. But every time I write I get a tiny bit better than last time, and I know I'm a step nearer that goal.

So, quit what makes you miserable, by all means. But keep going with things that make you feel good in your own skin and grounded on this Earth, whatever your level of expertise. Do things that keep you so utterly immersed you wonder where the time has gone. Do things that make you feel as if you're touching the heart of yourself more than with any other activity. Don't get tied up in worrying about the result - do them because it's good to be alive and able to do them.

Bit by bit, you'll find your path. xx

Thank you for this encouraging reply. My drawing is what I do when I feel like I messed up everything else I've been doing. It's my haven, because it feels like something I can't do wrong, or if I do, it turns out ok in the end--like you said, I've made mistakes that have caused me to change a design to make the mistake part of the design instead. "Happy accidents" -- you just reminded me of Bob Ross .

I'm not a beginner at writing. I haven't done much creative writing, however, apart from poetry. I've written many academic papers, in several different languages, and I loved writing them. But I had a professor telling me what s/he wanted in every case. I'm now beginning to realize that I feel very out of my element in creative writing. I get what I call "choice paralysis," where I have no limits and so many choices I become paralyzed and do nothing. That's in creative writing. I feel relatively confident in writing academic papers where there are arguments and points you are making and you look up research to support your arguments or use examples to demonstrate your points.

I love your last paragraph. That's precisely what I always try to do. I've just struggled in a family that was obsessed with intellect, left-brain and intellect, and being stupid was the worst thing you could be in that family--and I was the stupid one in the family. The environment not only killed the right-brained activity, but the constant scrutiny, perfectionism, criticism and verbal abuse instilled a sense of life-or-death fear of sharing any creative endeavor with anyone.

I only recently discovered that by nature I'm NOT an intellectual like they are, but I don't seem to know how to "do" creative, or right-brain. I tried singing, playing instruments, dancing, drawing, writing... writing, music, dance and drawing are ALL my hobbies, and I feel like I have the same exact problem in all of them, apart from academic writing.

Whenever I collide with moments like this in my life, where I crash head-on into another dysfunction I haven't yet managed to heal from my upbringing, I think of this poem I wrote back in 1999:

Debris in Life’s Wake

So what of all this debris?

A shattered home
shards of poignant steel deeply lodged in a soft heart
each further embedded daily in the softness
when touched by life’s passers-by.

A ravaged identity given by the world
having the value of ashes
swept away in a faint breeze.

A heart rent
from years of having been given to the careless and undeserving

And an old soul
capable of putting herself into the hearts of others,
yet nonetheless having found herself obsolete in the eyes of man.

What of this debris which has been left in life’s wake?
What purpose has it served?
Who has it benefited?
What is to become of it?
And will I ever be able to separate myself from it?

To think almost 20 years later I still find myself asking this question--will I ever be able to separate myself from the damage that was done to me over the decades of my life? I am a student of my own life and of my own psyche, and I will continue to be until I am finally free of that debris. And it is all of this from which I write, and must write.

 

[Still Waters]

Hi @Still Waters,

Your dilemma resonates. And VH talks a lot of sense; I always heed her wisdom.

A writer writes because they are compelled to - it doesn't feel like there is any choice about it. So I don't think you'll give it up.
But there are (at least) two reasons for any creative endeavour - the process itself and whatever peace, joy, insight, catharsis that brings us personally, and the motivation to produce creative work for other people to be inspired, to enjoy, to learn, to feel less alone and, horror of horror, to judge. Because people do. And that's the awful scary thing. Except that we already judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else ever will, so maybe if you look at it that way it's not so scary.

The first feedback I got on Litopia after plucking up the courage to share a small portion of the three volume trilogy I'd been working on for years, made me want to cry and delete everything I had ever written. Until I checked my paranoia and read the feedback again and realised it was actually rather kind and helpful and just steering me onto a better path.

So whether you keep doing it for yourself, or you tentatively put it 'out there' for others, you will keep writing. And it's likely that no critic will ever be as harsh as your own inner voice.

We already know you can write, because your posts are beautifully written. And the best way to do anything well is to do it a lot and keep on doing it, which is exactly what you do.

Love the artwork too.

Best regards,
Rachel

Hi Rachel. Thank you for your kind reply.

I must ask myself, because I already know the answer, WHY do I judge myself more harshly than anyone else? I don't know anyone else's answer to this question, but mine is because I had to adopt my own version of the Golden Rule: Do unto myself before others do unto me. And this, because it always seemed to hurt less when I was the one verbally and emotionally beating me up. It seemed to hurt more coming from the family. It's not really my criticism, it's theirs, because I've lived for decades with their voices and their awful emotions and thoughts in my head. And believe me, that's scary.

Oh, I really know that experience--where you first read something and, at least for me, I am already afraid of what it will say, and I end up with a first impression that it was very harsh and I would also feel like quitting. Then later on I'd go back and read it over again and realize I was so affected by my fear that I saw something there that wasn't really there, and it wasn't so bad after all. Consistent bad treatment by others and social anxiety primes the brain to see hostility and harshness where there isn't any. Unfortunately. This is why I try to remember not to respond right away. I go away and come back later to read again and see if the words were really as upsetting as I thought.

Thanks for the compliment about my posts. It actually often takes me quite a while to compose them.

Celestine

 

[Still Waters]

I had the privelege of working for four years with a couple professional writing coaches. The best advice I ever received was: Never look back. Always move forward.
What you wrote in 2011 was written by a different you. Of course older, different you gets"overwhelmed with how lousy it is and I quit, because it is so bad, I feel like the job is too enormous for me to take on, if I'm even capable of doing it. I just scrutinize my work, I hate my work and feel like there's no point..."
We change as we age. I don't say we get better, because we sure AF do not (just ask my many, many aches and pains), but we do change.
You wrote in the voice of 2011 you. 2024 has to find a new voice.

This is good advice. Thanks.

I did what you're attempting over the last two years. I wrote 105.000 words and completed a work that I had started way back.
And then, with some help from here, i realized it really, really did not work. It now resides in a digital trash pile. I did strip some of the stuff I thought worked out and I'm now reusing them, but that might just be a huge mistake, as well.

Wow, I don't know how long 105,000 words is, but it sounds like a hell-of-a lot. I don't count words, but I guess I'll have to start, since that seems to be the practice.

I have started so many books and several short stories, but never got very far on any of them. Regarding the books, they were all based on my life and, well, I hadn't lived enough life to write them at the time I began them. I mean, I didn't know how my life was going to end, was I ever going to be able to break free of the hell I was in, and, if so, I didn't know how that was going to happen.

My advice: read and honestly critique as many pieces put up for critique on Litopia as you can. Study what you see in them that you like, and what you feel could be done better. Help other writers in doing this, but also, really help yourself.

I'm not sure how good I am at critiquing either. I've never critiqued other people's writings before.

At this point, I usually revert to remind folks of Joseph Grand, from Camus' The Plague, who kept writing and rewriting the same sentence in search of perfection, and refusing to move on. And then, of course, plague.

I love Camus! And The Plague. I read it and another one of his I love Le Malentendu. Oh, I read them in French class. But it was so long ago, I don't remember them.

It's an easy trap to find yourself lost in. Everyone on here has been in that trap at points in their writing life. I find myself in it once or twice a year.
We all hope you stay with it, and realize there is no sign of failing about being at this point. You're just growing as a writer, which is something we all hope we are doing, every day we write.

Thanks.

 

[Still Waters]

@Vagabond Heart @Sedayne @MattScho @AgentPete

Thank you all for your encouragement. I did my psycho-analysis on myself and I did discover the origin of this problem. I won't go into all of it, but I will just say, my family's voices, thoughts, emotions and opinions about me still echo in me as my own.

Now that I know the source of my problem, I can address it and eliminate it--at least that's the idea.

 

[MattScho]

Glad to hear.

 

[AgentPete]

I'm not sure how good I am at critiquing either. I've never critiqued other people's writings before.

Plenty of advice here:

How To Use The Lab - And More

Please read (and watch) our friendly user guides that will help you select the best types of critiques for your work in development

colony.litopia.com

I love Camus! And The Plague. I read it and another one of his I love Le Malentendu. Oh, I read them in French class. But it was so long ago, I don't remember them.

Ditto. But in recent years I’ve used my early exposure to classic French authors to reevaluate / expand (Sartre has dropped out of my top ten, Voltaire is pretty much No.1). If you can find a dual-language edition (original French on one side, translation on the other) so much the better, it’s a slower read but more satisfying.

 

[Still Waters]

Plenty of advice here:

How To Use The Lab - And More

Please read (and watch) our friendly user guides that will help you select the best types of critiques for your work in development

colony.litopia.com

Yes, I'm still working my way through those documents for the Lob. That's why I haven't made it over there yet. I think I'm on the 2nd one.

 

[Pamela Jo]

@Vagabond Heart @Sedayne @MattScho @AgentPete

Thank you all for your encouragement. I did my psycho-analysis on myself and I did discover the origin of this problem. I won't go into all of it, but I will just say, my family's voices, thoughts, emotions and opinions about me still echo in me as my own.

Now that I know the source of my problem, I can address it and eliminate it--at least that's the idea.

As someone who has an inner critic that resembles Joan Crawford and her opinions on hangers in closets I feel your pain. What I did was invent an inner critic who is objective. I think this is what we are all looking for in an agent. Someone who recognises the good and can still say-but this doesn't work. It needs rewriting. My inner balanced critic resembles Cary Grant in 'His Girl Friday.'
The other thing that helped me is accepting perfection is NOT the thing I am looking for. It is readability, something that makes the reader close the book with na affectionate pat and say, "That was a good book."
Once you accept that EVERYONE has to go thru at last 3 rewrites before they even think of submitting it to an agent,and I mean every chapter gone over, then those voices sort of lose their power. Once you accept you are a WIP looking to gain skills - any shame that was poured into you in childhood dims. "Yeah I'm crap. What of it. My life goal is to develop this ability I was born with wherever it takes me. Because it is my life companion. Because it is my animus and it deserves to be recognised."

 

[Still Waters]

As someone who has an inner critic that resembles Joan Crawford and her opinions on hangers in closets I feel your pain.

Yikes. Mommy Dearest--I saw it, don't remember it, but a scene involving Joan Crawford and clothes hangers has been imprinted in my mind, but I don't remember why.

Once you accept that EVERYONE has to go thru at last 3 rewrites before they even think of submitting it to an agent,and I mean every chapter gone over, then those voices sort of lose their power. Once you accept you are a WIP looking to gain skills - any shame that was poured into you in childhood dims.

Actually, it went on up until last summer when I went no-contact with the 2 worst offenders--in other words, my whole life. But since today I managed to read through the writing that prompted me to post this thread, and I didn't have that crash I had the first time, I think I'll be ok now.

 

[Pamela Jo]

Yikes. Mommy Dearest--I saw it, don't remember it, but a scene involving Joan Crawford and clothes hangers has been imprinted in my mind, but I don't remember why.

Actually, it went on up until last summer when I went no-contact with the 2 worst offenders--in other words, my whole life. But since today I managed to read through the writing that prompted me to post this thread, and I didn't have that crash I had the first time, I think I'll be ok now.

Congratulations! That's good news. But all of us have to deal with imposter syndrome to some degree.
At least those of us who want to become better writers. It is possible to just declare yourself a genius and everyone who refuses to recognise the brilliance of your work cretins.. But the rest of us need to develop that objective voice.

I can recommend. Tiffany Yates Martin, Intuitive Editing as a place to begin. Available on audible.