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Poetry Entering poetry contest-could use some help

The World Between the Words
is this competition worthy? I havent even looked at scan. Does that matter these days?
Holidays in the cemetery


A crow alerts a preying fox.
Birdsong jangles the quiet.
Each year lusty Spring comes
to every town's quietest place
in all her water-color hues
careless of mourners who might
resent her giddy indifference
towards their lingering grief .

Every last Monday in the month of May
When death is verdant in the place of graves
The US celebrates Memorial Day
In the 1960's,we rose early
Car trunks were packed with
peonies in dripping coffee cans
blue plastic roses, wheat crosses
for those Irish immigrants to Kansas
whose names mustn't be forgotten

Childishly I saw ghosts welcoming us
seated on their tombstones,
silent bony hands clapping
gleefully drumming their heels
on dry and dusty tombstones
as they whispered each to each
"their curls have turned white."
"the new baby has my eyes"

Families and neighbors gossiped
the fates of those lying underground
of diptheria, snakebite, feeble old age.
They lounged on tidily trimmed plots
where now the storytellers are interred.
Once when told to water thirsty blooms
I drank coldly, deeply from the iron tap
Aghast, my dear grandma scolded me,
" THINK, child, there are coffins below!"

Then under trees planted by the long dead
On picnic tables billowing with gingham
out came green and pink cake tins
each one with a pie entombed on top
platters of crisp or sticky fried chicken
as many recipes as there were old women
still able to stand in front of a hot stove

Because of those remembering days
I never forgot the story whispered
of a 2nd cousin, a hero of WW 2,
convicted of 1st degree murder
because when a terrified truck driver
trappedin the jack-knifed cab of a semi
begged, “Shoot me! Don't let me burn.”
Jack obeyed with his hunting rifle.
In court the former soldier just said,
"In war, you'd have given me a medal."

So when I see vases of flowers
leaned against engraved stone
I think of fire and death.
And I wonder where will I finally lie
And who will visit or remember me?
 
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Did you forget to attach?
Sorry, The sun came out and there was a yell of "BEACH!" I dropped everything and ran for a towel. Here it is. Still a work in progress.

Holidays in the Cemetery

A crow alerts a preying fox.
Birdsong jangles the quiet.
Each year lusty Spring comes
to every town's quietest place
in all her water-color hues
careless of mourners who might
resent her giddy indifference
towards their lingering grief .

Every last Monday in the month of May
When death is verdant in the place of graves
The US celebrates Memorial Day
In the 1960's,we rose early
Car trunks were packed with
peonies in dripping coffee cans
blue plastic roses, wheat crosses
for those Irish immigrants to Kansas
whose names mustn't be forgotten

Childishly I saw ghosts welcoming us
seated on their tombstones,
silent bony hands clapping
heels drumming gleefully
on dry and dusty tombstones
as they whispered each to each
"his curls have turned white."
"the new baby has my eyes"

Our relatives and neighbors gossiped
the fates of those lying underground
Diptheria, snakebite, feeble old age.
They lounged on the tidily trimmed plots
where now those storytellers are interred.
Once when told to water thirsty blooms
I drank coldly, deeply from the iron tap
Aghast, my dear grandma scolded me,
" THINK, child, there are coffins below!"

Then in the baking hot afternoons
under trees planted by those long dead,
on picnic tables billowing with gingham,
green and pink cake tins were laid out
each one with a pie entombed on top,
and platters of crisp or sticky fried chicken.
As many recipes as there were old women
still able to stand in front of a hot stove

One story not meant for my ears
haunts me like it followed me home
Someone's 2nd cousin, once a hero
was convicted of 1st degree murder
because a terrified truck driver trapped
in the jack-knifed cab of a wrecked semi
begged, “Shoot me! Don't let me burn.”
Jack obeyed with his hunting rifle.
In court the former soldier just said,
"In war, they would give me a medal."

So when I see vases of flowers
leaned against engraved stone
I think of fire and death.
And I wonder where will I finally lie
And who will visit or remember me?
 
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It's well beyond me to critique poetry, I think as far as writing goes it is a different creature altogether. All I can see that tripped me up was the use of numbers: 1st, 2nd. These might be better written as words: First, second.

I enjoyed reading it, there are some moments that really come to life for me.
 
It's well beyond me to critique poetry, I think as far as writing goes it is a different creature altogether. All I can see that tripped me up was the use of numbers: 1st, 2nd. These might be better written as words: First, second.

I enjoyed reading it, there are some moments that really come to life for me.
Thank you for reading. I 've already cut the beginning and the story bit... comp limited to 40 lines. But I wanted to write out the whole thing that was n my head first.
 
It's good.

"May . . . . Day" - as it's a non-rhyming poem, it's better to avoid obvious end of line rhyming though you can have internal rhyming. You don't need a particular scan in free verse. This flows well.
Do you have memorial picnics actually in a graveyard? I've never heard of that.
By "story" you left out, do you mean the soldier death? That did jump me away from the graveyard scene. You might come up with a more subtle way of leading to your thoughts of fire and death (good two lines) - a hint of the tale rather than the whole tale.

As you've cut it, some of these comments might be irrelevant.
 
Very
It's good.

"May . . . . Day" - as it's a non-rhyming poem, it's better to avoid obvious end of line rhyming though you can have internal rhyming. You don't need a particular scan in free verse. This flows well.
Do you have memorial picnics actually in a graveyard? I've never heard of that.
By "story" you left out, do you mean the soldier death? That did jump me away from the graveyard scene. You might come up with a more subtle way of leading to your thoughts of fire and death (good two lines) - a hint of the tale rather than the whole tale.

As you've cut it, some of these comments might be irrelevant.
Very useful comments, Hannah. yes I have cut the soldier story and the first lines. Where I grew up trees were hard won. So there was a park nearby with cottonwoods for shade where we picnicked. But in England in the summer the vicar would open up the back doors to Al Saints and we would grill sausages and picnic among the graves. Some of my favourite mental images. Especially since my toddler then would strip and dance on the old stone encased ones. I always thought he would grow up to join Chippendales.
 
I love it. Will read even more strongly and more musically if you chop away qualifiers, eg 'because.' And you don't need 'terrified'. The man begged Jack to shoot him. That fact says it all. And Jack reached for his rifle and shot him dead. We don't really need to know it was his hunting rifle or that this was a story that came from a second cousin- over explanation.



because a terrified truck driver trapped
in the jack-knifed cab of a wrecked semi
begged, “Shoot me! Don't let me burn.”
Jack obeyed with his hunting rifle.

It's already strong. Just a few words pared back, and it is only stronger.
 
Love the little details like "billowing with gingham". The ending packs an emotional punch.

I think the first stanza is weak compared to the rest of it. In fact, I tried reading it with that one deleted and thought it was far stronger. If you keep that stanza, could you make it more powerful? "Quiet" is a wishy-washy word, and is used twice.
 
I love it. Will read even more strongly and more musically if you chop away qualifiers, eg 'because.' And you don't need 'terrified'. The man begged Jack to shoot him. That fact says it all. And Jack reached for his rifle and shot him dead. We don't really need to know it was his hunting rifle or that this was a story that came from a second cousin- over explanation.



because a terrified truck driver trapped
in the jack-knifed cab of a wrecked semi
begged, “Shoot me! Don't let me burn.”
Jack obeyed with his hunting rifle.

It's already strong. Just a few words pared back, and it is only stronger.
So good to know. I've cut that bit from the contest version, but it's my favourite. They'll stay in for the director's cut. You are very right with your version. I was counting syllables trying to make it scan better so added words. I worked that bit so many times.
 
Love the little details like "billowing with gingham". The ending packs an emotional punch.

I think the first stanza is weak compared to the rest of it. In fact, I tried reading it with that one deleted and thought it was far stronger. If you keep that stanza, could you make it more powerful? "Quiet" is a wishy-washy word, and is used twice.
I just cut the first stanza. I 'll save it for something else. Now it starts
The US celebrates Memorial Day
when death is verdant among the graves

I've stopped counting syllables....
 
Good starting point.

I love "pie entombed".
I wasn't sure it would make sense to someone who didnt know these cake tins. There were two tiers. Cake underneath, pie on top. I know you are unenthusiastic about food, but my childish excitement at the reveal was uncontrollable. God, those old ladies could cook. No function was complete wo these two or 3 tiered carriers. They were like magic safes to me.Vintage-Metal-Pie-Cake-Carrier-1930-full-6-2048-6dc1f300.jpg
 
I wasn't sure it would make sense to someone who didnt know these cake tins. There were two tiers. Cake underneath, pie on top. I know you are unenthusiastic about food, but my childish excitement at the reveal was uncontrollable. God, those old ladies could cook. No function was complete wo these two or 3 tiered carriers. They were like magic safes to me.View attachment 12623
Never seen one!
 
I love the anthropological feel of this :) Love the descriptions and agree with all the comments here too.
I'm COMPLETELY fascinated by those cake tins!!!! And also the "wheat crosses" for the Irish immigrants: were they St. Brigid-style crosses?

I'll be thinking of this all day, fascinating! X
 
I love the anthropological feel of this :) Love the descriptions and agree with all the comments here too.
I'm COMPLETELY fascinated by those cake tins!!!! And also the "wheat crosses" for the Irish immigrants: were they St. Brigid-style crosses?

I'll be thinking of this all day, fascinating! X
Cool feedback. Made my day. As to the crosses- it depended on whether they were catholic or protestant. My grandfather was first generation and Catholic. He married into a protestant family that went back to the American revolution. My grandmother and Grandpa's sister, Aunt Mary, would apparently have spirited debates about canon. My father and his siblings were raised both ways and my grandmother kept Aunt Mary's rosary beads in her jewellery box after she died. Some of the siblings married Catholic. My mother was more a freethinker who would drop into any church if she felt the call, but joined none. So when the family gathered and the Catholic side had to get up early for Mass while I snuggled back under the quilts-I blessed Martin Luther. Aunt Mary won though. Dad died in a Catholic Old Folks Home taking Communion each night in case he died in his sleep. The Constitutional separation of church and state made that amicable disagreement possible , I think.
 
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