query critiques

[Alistair Roberts]

Looks and sounds good from where I sit.

 

[Jennifer Stone]

Definitely interesting

 

[Jason Byrne]

This is a great agent letter. You are extremely formulaic, which is exactly what you want to be doing. An agent wants you to follow the damn rules, and save them the time trying to decipher what your story is about.

Your concept is exciting, and relevant. I've watched people on the street with their heads inside their phones, and though if this all suddenly went away, the world would end. People don't know how to think unassisted anymore.

You tell me who are a few of the characters are, but you don't tell me much about them. This is about three-quarters of a page in Word; you've got room to spare for a line or so about why I should care about Carter, Raine, and Teenager.

My only other thought is in regards to your opening line: "When a prominent scientist is murdered hours before a simulated EMP is set off over Manhattan, killing all electronics temporarily, NYPD Detective Matt Carter and FBI Special Agent Larissa Raine must combine investigations." This is a pretty long compound sentence, that you might consider breaking up to really hook the agent in a hurry. This is a thriller, after all! Think Angels and Demons: "Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own." Bam. Hook.
"A prominent scientist is murdered; hours later a simulated EMP is set off over Manhattan. All electronics are temporarily useless, and now NYPD Detective Matt Carter and FBI Special Agent Larissa Raine must combine investigations."

 

[Nicole Wilson]

This is a great agent letter. You are extremely formulaic, which is exactly what you want to be doing. An agent wants you to follow the damn rules, and save them the time trying to decipher what your story is about.

Your concept is exciting, and relevant. I've watched people on the street with their heads inside their phones, and though if this all suddenly went away, the world would end. People don't know how to think unassisted anymore.

You tell me who are a few of the characters are, but you don't tell me much about them. This is about three-quarters of a page in Word; you've got room to spare for a line or so about why I should care about Carter, Raine, and Teenager.

My only other thought is in regards to your opening line: (edited out)

You know, as I was first typing this, I really liked the first compound sentence-- even defended it when my husband told me the same thing you just did-- but when I re-read it this morning, I didn't like it anymore. Thanks for confirming my suspicions. I shall rewrite the first couple of sentences.

As thrillers are primarily plot-driven stories (rather than character-driven), I wasn't sure how much to include about the characters. Is there anything in particular that ought to be included?

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Dear [Editor full name, no gender or marital status]: I am looking for a literary agent to share in the adventure of publishing, and I would be honored if you would consider my submission. My novel is the first of a series titled The Vision of Arcadia. Volume One is entitled The First Vision. It is fantasy fiction, complete with a word count of slightly less than 267,000 — extensively researched......etc QUOTE]

I'm a wicked old bag of a crone. Don't let Sir Alyn kill me. It is an engaging letter, Jason, written in a style as courtly perhaps as Sir Alyn himself. But it's a business letter; I think it could stand a fierce edit. So, for instance, the first line becomes something more prosaic:-

Dear/Hello if email (Name)

I am seeking representation for a first fantasy novel The First Vision (267 k approx) State reason for approaching them. Book /Author/Sub call etc.

Is it for adults YA...that gets mentioned from the off. Not sure what others think about mentioning the series right upfront, or whether they think it might go for you or against you. If it's completed, you could mention it while stressing that the novel works as a standalone. (The Sword In The Stone was both a standalone and the first book of The Once And Future King) What you've shown us is a template; that's understood, and I'm no expert, clearly; but I'd suggest 3 paragraphs: 1 state your business ( indicating why too, you are approaching THIS agent,) 2 introduce the book, suggesting readership for it 3 outline your writing and other credentials. This would be where I'd suggest mentioning the other books.

 

[Jason Byrne]

And sometimes you'll just like your way better. All we can do is mention how we might have done something differently, but we aren't you. Good thing to keep in mind.

As it happens, mine is fantasy and completely character-driven, so that severely skews my advice. But... if it were me... I would add a bit after "the right side of the gun," with how the interaction and relationship develops between Carter, Raine, and Teenager.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

And sometimes you'll just like your way better. All we can do is mention how we might have done something differently, but we aren't you. Good thing to keep in mind.

As it happens, mine is fantasy and completely character-driven, so that severely skews my advice. But... if it were me... I would add a bit after "the right side of the gun," with how the interaction and relationship develops between Carter, Raine, and Teenager.

Great! I'll add something about either the romantic tension between Carter and Raine (done in the style of the TV show Castle) or the brotherly relationship between Carter and Javi (Teenager). Now I just have to figure out what it should be...

 

[Jason Byrne]

I really missed the mark stressing the overall series over the volume; you're exactly right. The individual story must stand upon its own merit, and I see that is something that has escaped correction somehow. In the spirit of showing your 'style' as a writer, I internationally tried to make the letter as verbose and courtly as the tone of the book, but I can see the advice that I literally just doled out rebounding on me, "An agent wants you to follow the damn rules, and save them the time trying to decipher what your story is about."

And the target market needs to be explicit. It is adult fantasy, very much in the camp of Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series — with a lot of violence and dark themes, but clean romance without the T&A of George RRM.

I like your three-paragraph outline. I had struggled to include so much information that concisely, but your very basic, spare outline gives a clearer picture of how to go about it. So, I am excited to do a bit of editing. Where's my chainsaw.

 

[Jason Byrne]

Great! I'll add something about either the romantic tension between Carter and Raine (dinner in the style of the TV show Castle) or the brotherly relationship between Carter and Javi (Teenager). Now I just have to figure out what it should be...

There we go. Romantic tension!

Mind you, you're absolutely right in that Angels and Demons did not have or need this element. Da Vinci Code was light on this as well. But for me personally, that was the one thing I was holding out to see if you included. I'm glad you did, and now it feels like a whole story.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

There we go. Romantic tension!

Mind you, you're absolutely right in that Angels and Demons did not have or need this element. Da Vinci Code was light on this as well. But for me personally, that was the one thing I was holding out to see if you included. I'm glad you did, and now it feels like a whole story.

Yes, I did include romantic tension, but only because I'm not sure a book would get picked up these days without it. *sigh* Though I did have fun with a lot of their back and forth.