query critiques

[Robinne Weiss]

@Emurelda I like this query--not only does it tell me about your concept, it also hints that it's marketable and you've got experience at it. The description of the story is good--gives me a feel for the flavour of the writing. The only thing I'd do is nix the last paragraph--unless the agent specifically asks for no simultaneous submissions, my understanding is that they assume you're sending it out to others.

 

[Emurelda]

@Emurelda I like this query--not only does it tell me about your concept, it also hints that it's marketable and you've got experience at it. The description of the story is good--gives me a feel for the flavour of the writing. The only thing I'd do is nix the last paragraph--unless the agent specifically asks for no simultaneous submissions, my understanding is that they assume you're sending it out to others.

Thank you for your encouraging feedback. Yes, i was wondering what was the best way to approach multisubmissions and some agents want to be informed so with my first attempt I would wait two weeks before a few more were sent out telling them and thought I would just be frank about it. It may not be relevant later when it is actually sent. I will have to recheck their requirements.

 

[Alistair Roberts]

To be honest I never tell them I am submitting to anyone else. The only time I did, they refused to look at it even, so you are only cutting your own throat by doing so. I mean, what is the chance of two saying they want to take you on? If that miracle happened, you can choose who you wanted

 

[Emurelda]

To be honest I never tell them I am submitting to anyone else. The only time I did, they refused to look at it even, so you are only cutting your own throat by doing so. I mean, what is the chance of two saying they want to take you on? If that miracle happened, you can choose who you wanted

Lol...as I said i am at the luxurious, naive stage of first submission. I can believe anything at this point

 

[Jason Byrne]

Short answer is, I just saw them, clicked on it and then posted. Not sure why Island Writer can't access, about to have a look.

I can't access the Houses either — it does not appear below Flash Club and when I tried to follow the link above, it said I do not have sufficient permissions.

 

[Kitty]

Interesting. I guess that blows my theory of number of posts out of the window since you have over 200! Maybe @Alistair Roberts can find out what the algorithm is for us?

 

[Alistair Roberts]

Yes Jason, Pete said there would be unknown requirements to have been on this site for awhile before you can access the houses to ensure our written safety as it were. Keep looking. As for an algorithm, I've seen it said that only about 0.1% of submissions end up being published. Now either that frightens you off, or (like me) makes you pig-headed and determined to be that 0.1 that succeeds! I'll die trying........ lol

 

[Jason Byrne]

Yes Jason, Pete said there would be unknown requirements to have been on this site for awhile before you can access the houses to ensure our written safety as it were. Keep looking. As for an algorithm, I've seen it said that only about 0.1% of submissions end up being published. Now either that frightens you off, or (like me) makes you pig-headed and determined to be that 0.1 that succeeds! I'll die trying........ lol

That makes sense. My tenure has been voluminous but brief; I'll look forward to the day!

 

[Kitty]

Unknown requirements? Does that mean they're a closely guarded secret - only to be revealed one day when the houses magically appear? Or have I been reading too many thrillers

 

[Jason Byrne]

The houses have already appeared, sounds like — a closely-guarded secret only to be revealed when the Council of Elders appear magically around you upon the day your Induction.

 

[Alistair Roberts]

Unknown requirements? Does that mean they're a closely guarded secret - only to be revealed one day when the houses magically appear? Or have I been reading too many thrillers

Yes, reading too many thrillers!!

 

[Jason Byrne]

I'll put my query up as well, hang on...

 

[Jason Byrne]

[My agent letter moved to the Back Room.]

 

[Kitty]

The first thing that strikes me is the word count - 267,000 words is seriously long! That could well be a deal breaker for a first novel I'm afraid! It all comes down to the cost of printing something that big I'm sorry to say!

 

[Jason Byrne]

You wouldn't be the first to say so — the topic has come up in another Colony thread, Rules for Submitting to Agents.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

@Jason Byrne I think your query is really solid. (I know this has been pointed out, so I'm just going to mention it and move on - the word count seems way too high, even for fantasy epics.) Does it fit on one MS Word page with Times New Roman 12-pt font single-spaced (I think) and block paragraphs? I've been told that agents will look for any reason to cull down their pile and formatting is definitely one of the biggies. One page is typical of most agents' requirements, and this is supposed to be a business letter, so professionalism is key.

Also, does your associates degree connect with your book or act as some kind of experience for your book? I've seen advice that says your personal bits should relate to your writing career or if they contribute to why you are the best person to write this book.

(Nit-pick edit: on the log-line, the "whom" should be "who".)

 

[Alistair Roberts]

Don't forget line spacing should be at least 1 and a half, usually double, and never single. Also yes to "who" and not "whom."

 

[Nicole Wilson]

Don't forget line spacing should be at least 1 and a half, usually double, and never single.

You'd have to check their websites for specific instructions, but, since the query letter is a business letter, I'm pretty sure it's single spaced. Here's an article from a former literary agent that discusses formatting.

 

[Alistair Roberts]

Sorry, I meant the manuscript, not the email or query letter

 

[Nicole Wilson]

Ah! That makes much more sense

 

[Jason Byrne]

@Jason Byrne I think your query is really solid. (I know this has been pointed out, so I'm just going to mention it and move on - the word count seems way too high, even for fantasy epics.) Does it fit on one MS Word page with Times New Roman 12-pt font single-spaced (I think) and block paragraphs? I've been told that agents will look for any reason to cull down their pile and formatting is definitely one of the biggies. One page is typical of most agents' requirements, and this is supposed to be a business letter, so professionalism is key.

Also, does your associates degree connect with your book or act as some kind of experience for your book? I've seen advice that says your personal bits should relate to your writing career or if they contribute to why you are the best person to write this book.

(Nit-pick edit: on the log-line, the "whom" should be "who".)

Notwithstanding the business letter header that is at the top when I send it, yes this is just under a page. I also compared it to the length of query letters that successfully found agents on this web site, and it is comparable to those.

The author's bio was a very late edition, because I found on the list linked above that there really did need to be one, but the degrees themselves are unrelated, so I think I will mention them briefly, but not specifically what they are.

Damn you Whomorwho! It is the bane of my existence. I've looked at as many explanations as I can find, and still get it wrong. As I understand it, if you condense the sentence to its simplest form and it indicates ownership, you should use whom. "His life" indicates ownership, so I chose whom. Does anyone have a rule for Who/Whom that serves them well?

 

[Nicole Wilson]

Damn you Whomorwho! It is the bane of my existence. I've looked at as many explanations as I can find, and still get it wrong. As I understand it, if you condense the sentence to its simplest form and it indicates ownership, you should use whom. "His life" indicates ownership, so I chose whom. Does anyone have a rule for Who/Whom that serves them well?

I do! So I (legitimately) learned this from the US version of The Office, one of my favorite TV shows ever. "Who" if it's the subject of the sentence; "whom" if it's the object.

 

[Jason Byrne]

"Do you know who ate the donut?"
"Do you know if it was Steve whom ate the donut?"

Alyn is the subject, so that makes sense. Very well!

 

[Jason Byrne]

Reading the letter, I realized that I list my degrees to give context for my involvement in the game company Legion6 Studios, where I was Story Lead. Would it be better to leave them in for this reason, for reword it thusly:

"I graduated Kalamazoo Valley Community College in 2008 with a pair of associate degrees; I was also employed by my alma mater as an English tutor for honors program students, and was Story Lead of the exceptionally short-lived Legion6 Studios."

 

[Nicole Wilson]

@Jason Byrne Personally, here's how I would write your personal credits section:

[Stripped and moved to back room]

 

[AgentPete]

Unknown requirements? Does that mean they're a closely guarded secret - only to be revealed one day when the houses magically appear? Or have I been reading too many thrillers

"When the writer is ready, the Houses will appear..."

Don't get hung up about whether you can or can't see them. They'll appear in due course, probably at more or less the right time for you. Meantime, focus on the Litopia ethos of mutual self-help. p.

 

[Jason Byrne]

@Jason Byrne
If you really want to include your college, you can (Kalamazoo just sounds fun anyway ), but I don't think it adds anything. I think the focus could be on how those deaths impacted your story. They want to know why you're the right person to write this book, and that would convey that message.

Most wise, Nicole. I could even mention I was employed by the college as an English tutor to honors students, without even bothering to discuss my degrees. They're not not a doctorate in Comparative Literature, so who cares? And it gives me precious real estate to expound upon story lead.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

Most wise, Nicole. I could even mention I was employed by the college as an English tutor to honors students, without even bothering to discuss my degrees. They're not not a doctorate in Comparative Literature, so who cares? And it gives me precious real estate to expound upon story lead.

I think that's great. Yeah, I think your Story Lead role could be really interesting (honestly, I'm curious as to what it was) and would most likely add value to your query. Plus, it's unique, so that's an added bonus as well.

 

[Jason Byrne]

I think that's great. Yeah, I think your Story Lead role could be really interesting (honestly, I'm curious as to what it was) and would most likely add value to your query. Plus, it's unique, so that's an added bonus as well.

We were working on a modern remake of Joust:

Except this one was set in an alien solar system on different scientifically-accurate alien worlds, a mile in the air and in 3 dimensions with modern graphics. You have to try to joust the other players in midair upon a winged mount, in a 'civilized' method of hero-based conflict resolution, after war has become too catastrophic to be allowed.

You could be the amphibian from the garden world — like the Creature from the Black Lagoon — riding a giant flying fish, or a wasp-man from the caste-based Hive riding a colossal wasp-mount, or the human-like dystopian sci-fi Crusader riding a dragon-like creature, desert tribes that ride sphynx-like creatures, or methane-based junk pirates in refrigerated suits who crashed the party on scrap bi-planes with machine guns, etc. I did the back-story, world-building, cultures, planetary physics, etc.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

All right, my turn to jump in with my query. Here goes *closes eyes and runs away*:

[Moved to back room thread]