Craft Chat Character Voice for a Child's PoV

[tyes]

In my completed story, the narrator identifies themself as "A child", describing past events in a 1st-person PoV. The time distance between the narrator and the events in the story is unknown until later in the story, which is linked to one of the story's reveals.

The child's speech and inner thoughts are written as though it were a 12-year-old which fits the story. However, as the narrator describes some other events or their surroundings, those descriptions become slightly more mature, tending towards "purple". Beta feedback, as well as huddle feedback of the first chapter, asked the question if these sections seemed out of place for the voice of a child.

The following is one example where the narrator switches from the voice of a child (blue) to someone a little more mature (purple):

Closest to home was the big tree. A scientist would probably give it some fancy name, but we just called it the “big tree”. Four big strides wide at its base with gnarly roots that tripped you when you tried to run around—that took me a whole ten Mississippis. Those roots slithered up the outside of the tree in knots and braids until they morphed into branches, stretching out like fingers and casting a shadow of protection from the blistering sun.

So my craft question is when a narrator is retelling a story of their younger self, do you think that describing things with language that a child probably wouldn't use can be offputting? Do you recall any examples where this may have been done well? Could there be more value in making it clear from the outset that there is an age / time difference between the narrator and the events they are describing?

I feel like if i rigidly held to an idea of a 12-year-old's vocabulary and world-view, that might be a little too limiting--after all, there is a reason why most good stories aren't written by 12-year-olds.

Thanks!

 

[Mel L]

In my completed story, the narrator identifies themself as "A child", describing past events in a 1st-person PoV. The time distance between the narrator and the events in the story is unknown until later in the story, which is linked to one of the story's reveals.

The child's speech and inner thoughts are written as though it were a 12-year-old which fits the story. However, as the narrator describes some other events or their surroundings, those descriptions become slightly more mature, tending towards "purple". Beta feedback, as well as huddle feedback of the first chapter, asked the question if these sections seemed out of place for the voice of a child.

The following is one example where the narrator switches from the voice of a child (blue) to someone a little more mature (purple):

So my craft question is when a narrator is retelling a story of their younger self, do you think that describing things with language that a child probably wouldn't use can be offputting? Do you recall any examples where this may have been done well? Could there be more value in making it clear from the outset that there is an age / time difference between the narrator and the events they are describing?

I feel like if i rigidly held to an idea of a 12-year-old's vocabulary and world-view, that might be a little too limiting--after all, there is a reason why most good stories aren't written by 12-year-olds.

Thanks!

Hi Tye,
To me, the answer would be, as it so often is, 'it depends'.
Have you set up your narrator as being an adult looking back on childhood, or are you deeply within your child's POV, without that adult context? If so, I would say you do need to stick more closely to the child's POV. And unless you are an especially precocious kid, probably you wouldn't see it that way. What struck me the most was the juxtaposition of the 'ten Mississippis' next to the more mature observation of fingers and protection from the sun. Something feels out of whack.
P.S. Wondering if this question wouldn't be better put in the lab?

 

[tyes]

P.S. Wondering if this question wouldn't be better put in the lab?

Yes you may be right!

 

[Sedayne]

Hi @tyes
The advantage of the Lab is that it isn't viewable to the public, only members. Much safer if you are discussing your own precious words. You can start a discussion thread over there without having to post a full project if you want to discuss this more privately, or post as a project if you need a critique.
Interesting debate. I agree with @Mel L that it depends what the set-up is - looking back from adulthood, or in the moment from the child's perspective at the time. Not easy.

 

[Vagabond Heart]

A. To kill a mockingbird.

B. I’m a bit confused as to what you mean by the time difference. Is the story being told by a 12 yr old child or not?

It’s ok to have fun and play with interesting ways of telling the story, but it’s another to trick the reader. Because, ultimately, this is about their experience of reading it.
Does what you’re doing add to their experience, or lessen it?

Bring it to Huddle so you have the space to explain this more clearly, and get the answers you need?

 

[tyes]

Hi @tyes
The advantage of the Lab is that it isn't viewable to the public, only members. Much safer if you are discussing your own precious words. You can start a discussion thread over there without having to post a full project if you want to discuss this more privately, or post as a project if you need a critique.
Interesting debate. I agree with @Mel L that it depends what the set-up is - looking back from adulthood, or in the moment from the child's perspective at the time. Not easy.

Is there any way to shift it? You'd think I didn't read the forum instructions properly...

 

[tyes]

B. I’m a bit confused as to what you mean by the time difference. Is the story being told by a 12 yr ok child or not?

No, the story is told by an adult, recalling an earlier time in their life.

 

[Pamela Jo]

No, the story is told by an adult, recalling an earlier time in their life.

Then that is always your POV. A 12 year old by the way doesnt need to do Mississippi's. That sample sounds much younger than 12. The comparison to Scout in To Kill a mockingbird is valid. It was a lovely description of tree and its roots. If you have that ability it is a shame to hold your voice to that of a child with limited vocabulary. Tiffany Yates Martin, TYM, has a good seminar on backstory and it seems like that is where your learning curve is. It's a skill good to learn anyway and have in your tool kit. Good luck in lab.

 

[Hannah F]

No, the story is told by an adult, recalling an earlier time in their life.

Then stick to the adult POV. The switch in voice-age mid paragraph is very jarring. If you wish to do flashback scenes in the child POV, you can do, but they have to be short, infrequent, with a definite beginning and end, and must not stop the flow of the story. Good flashback insertion is not easy.

(An example of a story told through a child's POV with a voice that ages as the child grows from seven-year-old (If I remember correctly) to adult is "Where the Crawdads Sing" by Delia Owens, but I don't think that's what you're trying to do.)

 

[Sedayne]

Is there any way to shift it? You'd think I didn't read the forum instructions properly...

You would have to ask @AgentPete about moving the thread from here to there (I can only tinker inside the Lab).
You could copy and paste your opening post and start a new thread, then delete anything here that has your original writing viewable. Although you've already got some good replies here.

 

[AgentPete]

Gdns can move threads around quite easily (if you ask them nicely!) but for this, I’m hesitant. Moving to the Lab will create all sorts of permissions issues, and I doubt whether I could actually give you back control of the thread.

Best to do as Sedayne says and start afresh there, really.