Craft Chat Character Voice for a Child's PoV

[tyes]

In my completed story, the narrator identifies themself as "A child", describing past events in a 1st-person PoV. The time distance between the narrator and the events in the story is unknown until later in the story, which is linked to one of the story's reveals.

The child's speech and inner thoughts are written as though it were a 12-year-old which fits the story. However, as the narrator describes some other events or their surroundings, those descriptions become slightly more mature, tending towards "purple". Beta feedback, as well as huddle feedback of the first chapter, asked the question if these sections seemed out of place for the voice of a child.

The following is one example where the narrator switches from the voice of a child (blue) to someone a little more mature (purple):

Closest to home was the big tree. A scientist would probably give it some fancy name, but we just called it the “big tree”. Four big strides wide at its base with gnarly roots that tripped you when you tried to run around—that took me a whole ten Mississippis. Those roots slithered up the outside of the tree in knots and braids until they morphed into branches, stretching out like fingers and casting a shadow of protection from the blistering sun.

So my craft question is when a narrator is retelling a story of their younger self, do you think that describing things with language that a child probably wouldn't use can be offputting? Do you recall any examples where this may have been done well? Could there be more value in making it clear from the outset that there is an age / time difference between the narrator and the events they are describing?

I feel like if i rigidly held to an idea of a 12-year-old's vocabulary and world-view, that might be a little too limiting--after all, there is a reason why most good stories aren't written by 12-year-olds.

Thanks!

 

[Mel L]

In my completed story, the narrator identifies themself as "A child", describing past events in a 1st-person PoV. The time distance between the narrator and the events in the story is unknown until later in the story, which is linked to one of the story's reveals.

The child's speech and inner thoughts are written as though it were a 12-year-old which fits the story. However, as the narrator describes some other events or their surroundings, those descriptions become slightly more mature, tending towards "purple". Beta feedback, as well as huddle feedback of the first chapter, asked the question if these sections seemed out of place for the voice of a child.

The following is one example where the narrator switches from the voice of a child (blue) to someone a little more mature (purple):

So my craft question is when a narrator is retelling a story of their younger self, do you think that describing things with language that a child probably wouldn't use can be offputting? Do you recall any examples where this may have been done well? Could there be more value in making it clear from the outset that there is an age / time difference between the narrator and the events they are describing?

I feel like if i rigidly held to an idea of a 12-year-old's vocabulary and world-view, that might be a little too limiting--after all, there is a reason why most good stories aren't written by 12-year-olds.

Thanks!

Hi Tye,
To me, the answer would be, as it so often is, 'it depends'.
Have you set up your narrator as being an adult looking back on childhood, or are you deeply within your child's POV, without that adult context? If so, I would say you do need to stick more closely to the child's POV. And unless you are an especially precocious kid, probably you wouldn't see it that way. What struck me the most was the juxtaposition of the 'ten Mississippis' next to the more mature observation of fingers and protection from the sun. Something feels out of whack.
P.S. Wondering if this question wouldn't be better put in the lab?