Writing non-English in English

[Bloo]

I have this character in my novel. His name is Rudi, and he lives in Indonesia. He's encountering some problems jumping from my outline to my prose.

This is a long post, so I've bolded the questions to stand out. I'm not shouting, I promise

Let's start with his name. It can be spelled Rudy, Rudi, or even Ruddy. Pronunciation is exactly the same, ROO-dee. So...do you think most English speakers will "hear" it right if I use "Rudi"? Does it even matter? BTW...his name was "Roni" in a previous iteration, which I felt was even tougher to pronounce correctly (it's RAH-nee, not ROW-nee).

Another issue is the language Rudy speaks. Like a lot of college-bound Indonesians, English is his second language. Yet when in country, I want the reader to assume he's speaking Bahasa Indonesia even as I'm writing English. There will be times when he or other characters speak English or Mandarin in that setting, and I will point those out. This seems natural to me as the writer. However, do I need something more so a reader gets the point?

There are also a few times when I want to use Indonesian in my prose for effect - even when the characters are speaking Indo. Is it okay to expect a reader can understand meaning from context ?

*****

The sniper chambered a second round into the Pindad SPR-4. The motion was confident and practiced - no need to look away from the scope. His index finger slid back from the trigger guard to the trigger.

"Jangan menembak," Kapitan Hendoyo's voice was calm but firm.

The sniper reacted to the order automatically. He moved his finger away from the trigger and exhaled. After the next breath he spoke. "I had the shot, sir. Why did you have me hold fire?"

*****

Or is it better to handle translation with a more direct approach ?

*****

"There's some Nonya Suharti in the kitchen," Rudi said. "I brought it for Aliong, but he's not hungry.”

Aliong looked over to his little sister with suspicion. Mei didn't notice.

“I cannot,” she pouted. “I gained almost a kilo this month.”

Rudi quickly looked her up and down. “You look fine to me, Mei.”

“Ah…so sweet.” She was beaming now. “Maybe I eat half, then. You want to split with me?”

Aliong rolled his eyes and laughed. "Klise amat lo." You’re such a cliché. "Stop flirting with Rudi; you're not his type."

*****

Or...should I mix it up using both approaches? How much should I trust the reader to understand ?

Heeelp

 

[AnnieSummerlee]

I like your last option, that's what I'm most used to seeing. Or cut the Indonesian altogether and just indicate when it's being spoken, like you will with Mandarin. You should definitely try to find a reader from Indonesia to see how it comes across, they'll know better than us

 

[Barbara]

What Annie said.

 

[JohnBertel]

Agree. In the first example, we do understand from the context that the order was to abort. But it still takes us out of the flow, especially when the context comes after the spoken line.

 

[AnnieSummerlee]

btw, I forgot to add: I don't think you should worry about the pronunciation of your MCs name. I read that as roo-dee, but even if someone doesn't, it can't be helped...there are loads of names (even English ones) that people will pronounce differently, and it's not something you can control.

 

[Mel L]

This is a problem I can relate to! Many of the scenes in my current WiP take place in French, and I neither want to annoy the reader with using too many snippets of that language, insult them by providing translations of everything, nor perplex them by not translating.
I like your second approach, but would maybe mix it up from time to time if the context is clear.
As for the protag name, I absolutely hate as a reader when it's not clear how I'm meant to pronounce a name in my head. That said, Rudi or Rudy are obviously 'Rude-y' to me.

 

[Hannah F]

Rudi and Rudy are relatively common names. I wouldn't worry about mispronunciation with them. I wouldn't use Ruddy. Here, the u would be pronounced the same as in rudder, and it isn't a name., it's an expletive. That ruddy MS is trying to use me instead of Rudi.

 

[Bloo]

Agree. In the first example, we do understand from the context that the order was to abort. But it still takes us out of the flow, especially when the context comes after the spoken line.

Ah...okay. I was actually worried a translation would break the flow. I'm not so sure now that I've tinkered with it. Do you think this one flows better?

*****

"Jangan menembak." Do not fire. Kapitan Hendoyo's voice was calm but firm.

The sniper reacted automatically. He moved his finger away from the trigger and exhaled. On the next breath he spoke. "I had the shot, sir."

*****

Doing it your way, I don't need to have the sniper explain the captain's command in dialogue. It sounds cleaner, too

 

[Bloo]

Rudi and Rudy are relatively common names. I wouldn't worry about mispronunciation with them. I wouldn't use Ruddy. Here, the u would be pronounced the same as in rudder, and it isn't a name., it's an expletive. That ruddy MS is trying to use me instead of Rudi.

Hehe...I was thinking of working "Ruddy" into a linguistic pun of some sort. Yet the more I tried, the worse it sounded. I'll stick with Rudy or Rudi - I just hope readers get the pronunciation if I use the latter. I've never come across "Rudi" in the US.

Maybe proper pronunciation doesn't usually matter much in a book, but it matters to me.

 

[Bloo]

This is a problem I can relate to! Many of the scenes in my current WiP take place in French, and I neither want to annoy the reader with using too many snippets of that language, insult them by providing translations of everything, nor perplex them by not translating.
I like your second approach, but would maybe mix it up from time to time if the context is clear.
As for the protag name, I absolutely hate as a reader when it's not clear how I'm meant to pronounce a name in my head. That said, Rudi or Rudy are obviously 'Rude-y' to me.

Despite my name, I cannot speak French. I know some swears, though.

I feel your pain, friend. I want to immerse readers, not drown them. There's a line between setting a scene and infodumping. I'm not sure which side I'm on, sometimes.

JB gave me something to think about a few posts back. I'll do a quick inline translation most of the time. It actually improves the flow by keeping the scene linear. If the meaning is super obvious, I'll do as you suggest and forgo the translation.

 

[Bloo]

I like your last option, that's what I'm most used to seeing. Or cut the Indonesian altogether and just indicate when it's being spoken, like you will with Mandarin. You should definitely try to find a reader from Indonesia to see how it comes across, they'll know better than us

What Annie said.

btw, I forgot to add: I don't think you should worry about the pronunciation of your MCs name. I read that as roo-dee, but even if someone doesn't, it can't be helped...there are loads of names (even English ones) that people will pronounce differently, and it's not something you can control.

Well...thank you both. If you've seen the < "Foreign dialogue." English translation. > format in other works, I'll use it in mine. Familiarity breeds understanding. Hmm...that doesn't sound right. Maybe it's "familiarity breeds." ?

 

[Hannah F]

Despite my name, I cannot speak French. I know some swears, though.

I feel your pain, friend. I want to immerse readers, not drown them. There's a line between setting a scene and infodumping. I'm not sure which side I'm on, sometimes.

JB gave me something to think about a few posts back. I'll do a quick inline translation most of the time. It actually improves the flow by keeping the scene linear. If the meaning is super obvious, I'll do as you suggest and forgo the translation.

I was cool with the in-line translation in The Song of Achilles. It worked for me, and often I was glad of it.

 

[Bloo]

I was cool with the in-line translation in The Song of Achilles. It worked for me, and often I was glad of it.

Well...I missed those. That's what I get for "reading" the audiobook.