- Feb 3, 2024
- LitBits
- 0
New blog post by Vagabond Heart – discussions in this thread, please
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My paperback version of The Complete Works of Shakespeare was starting to look properly shabby. I’d bent the cover back a lot, and sat cups of tea on it a few too many times. It now looked like a book that got READ, which made me feel I’d was adulting like a boss. With that vibe buzzing, I tackled the next three plays in line.
24. Troilus and Cressida
This was set during the Trojan wars – remember those? Kicked off when Paris made off with Helen, the loss of whose face caused the launch of a thousand ships, and was finally won by the smuggling in of soldiers in the Trojan Horse?
A time in history that could be considered a bit of a goldmine in terms of action and story, right?
Well, no, not to Billy Boy, who decided not to put any of that in this play.
Instead, he focussed on year seven, when everyone was bored witless and Achilles wouldn’t come out of his tent.
And a thousand ships may well have been launched in the decade of this war, but in year seven Helen was only deemed worth sixty-nine of them.
Plus, Hector just came off as seriously mental. I mean, when he got fed up after having a bad day at war he gave himself some time off by … challenging someone on the other side to a duel. Yup, made no sense to me either.
And then, instead of the fight to the death it was supposed to be, he didn’t kill the guy – because it was his cousin.
So, after the fight, they went off and get drunk together. And Hector got invited to dine in the General’s tent (of the opposing side). And he didn’t use that to his advantage, by spying or anything, no, he just acted like he was on a stag-do minus the traffic cones.
Of course, the next day it was back to war again. And Hector was actively trying to kill his cousin, because this was now his day job. I mean … I can’t even!
And once I’d read the play there was still the problem of classification.
I couldn’t class it as a comedy because the big hitters in the cast all got killed off by the last act. But neither was it a tragedy, as half of it was wordplay, clowning and puns.
And I couldn’t really say it fulfilled the brief of being a love story, despite the title. Because Troilus and Cressida only loved each other until Cressida met Diomedes. And then she was all, ‘Oooh, hello cutie-pie, I know I swore I’d love Troilus forever, but you’re kinda nice too.’ Total slut.
So, it was a bit of a mish-mash, but it did have some nice lines.
My favourite was from Thersites: – ‘ I am a bastard too; I love bastards: I am a bastard begot, bastard instructed, bastard in mind, bastard in valour, in every thing illegitimate.’ That man was representing.
But hey, Kirk was now firmly positioned well past the halfway mark.
Even so, 2/10.
25. All’s Well That Ends Well
This was quite a treat because, finally, Shakey wrote an awesome female character that DIDN’T have to put on men’s clothes to say what she meant, AND she got some good lines.
Allow me to introduce Helena: an absolute sweetheart, smart as a whip, and the only person in Spain who could cure the King of … something (not sure what, but not the point, so it didn’t matter).
Everyone liked her, except Bertram – the guy she was in love with.
He was a predatory, self-absorbed, over-entitled snot-sucker, who thought Helena was so far beneath him she wasn’t even worth being polite to.
Despite the fact that the King (the KING!) thought she was fantastic and worth every honour he could bestow on her, Bertram was having none of it.
After lots of fairly entertaining how do’s there was a sort of happy ending where Bertram, tricked into making Helena preggers, agreed to honour their marriage. But he clearly hadn’t changed a bit, so I’m confused as to why she even wanted the dirtbag.
No famous lines, but I rather liked, ‘Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.’
And also these categories of bums – the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, and the brawn-buttock (which I leave entirely up to your imagination).
Plus I dare you to find a more aspirational job title than this – a taffeta punk. Which was a whore! Seriously, how great is that?
6/10
The next one was a bit complicated, so work with me here.
26. Measure for Measure
This was all about shagging. But don’t get excited, cos it wasn’t raunchy.
We had Claudio, who was ‘trying’ to marry the girl he loved, but somehow not quite succeeding in that and oh look she’s pregnant, damn.
And we had Angelo, who’d promised to marry a girl but then dumped her when her dowry dwindled, so we knew he was bit of a shit from the get-go.
But Angelo was also a high-up official and, probably out of boredom, decided to go on bit of a civic clean up. Upon discovering that Claudio had got his girlfriend up the duff, he sentenced him to death for immoral behaviour.
So, Claudio’s sister went to Angelo, to plead for her brother’s life. Angelo promptly got the hots for her, and agreed to pardon her brother on the condition she let him do immoral behaviour with her. Thus proving himself to have the self-awareness of a garden fork and the morals of well-fed praying mantis.
But she was a novice nun, so it was never going to happen. Cue more of Shakespeare’s rather overused plot device of shagging in the dark with the wrong person.
And that was about it, really.
Problem with this play, tho, was the whole execution thing – kinda laid the whole comedy vibe a bit flat.
To be fair to him, Will tried to balance it out by including an old slapper who ran a brothel, and some characters called Elbow, Froth, and Pompey Bum, but I wouldn’t say he quite pulled it off (see what I did there, nudge, nudge, wink, wink?).
5/10
But looming on the horizon were the BIG BOYS – Othello, Macbeth, and Lear. Murdering shitheads, all, but parts most actors would also kill to play. Did they deliver? I’ll tell you next time.
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Get the discussion going – post your thoughts & comments in the thread below…
For more posts by Vagabond Heart click here WTF, Will! parts 24 – 26 – Litopia
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My paperback version of The Complete Works of Shakespeare was starting to look properly shabby. I’d bent the cover back a lot, and sat cups of tea on it a few too many times. It now looked like a book that got READ, which made me feel I’d was adulting like a boss. With that vibe buzzing, I tackled the next three plays in line.
24. Troilus and Cressida
This was set during the Trojan wars – remember those? Kicked off when Paris made off with Helen, the loss of whose face caused the launch of a thousand ships, and was finally won by the smuggling in of soldiers in the Trojan Horse?
A time in history that could be considered a bit of a goldmine in terms of action and story, right?
Well, no, not to Billy Boy, who decided not to put any of that in this play.
Instead, he focussed on year seven, when everyone was bored witless and Achilles wouldn’t come out of his tent.
And a thousand ships may well have been launched in the decade of this war, but in year seven Helen was only deemed worth sixty-nine of them.
Plus, Hector just came off as seriously mental. I mean, when he got fed up after having a bad day at war he gave himself some time off by … challenging someone on the other side to a duel. Yup, made no sense to me either.
And then, instead of the fight to the death it was supposed to be, he didn’t kill the guy – because it was his cousin.
So, after the fight, they went off and get drunk together. And Hector got invited to dine in the General’s tent (of the opposing side). And he didn’t use that to his advantage, by spying or anything, no, he just acted like he was on a stag-do minus the traffic cones.
Of course, the next day it was back to war again. And Hector was actively trying to kill his cousin, because this was now his day job. I mean … I can’t even!
And once I’d read the play there was still the problem of classification.
I couldn’t class it as a comedy because the big hitters in the cast all got killed off by the last act. But neither was it a tragedy, as half of it was wordplay, clowning and puns.
And I couldn’t really say it fulfilled the brief of being a love story, despite the title. Because Troilus and Cressida only loved each other until Cressida met Diomedes. And then she was all, ‘Oooh, hello cutie-pie, I know I swore I’d love Troilus forever, but you’re kinda nice too.’ Total slut.
So, it was a bit of a mish-mash, but it did have some nice lines.
My favourite was from Thersites: – ‘ I am a bastard too; I love bastards: I am a bastard begot, bastard instructed, bastard in mind, bastard in valour, in every thing illegitimate.’ That man was representing.
But hey, Kirk was now firmly positioned well past the halfway mark.
Even so, 2/10.
25. All’s Well That Ends Well
This was quite a treat because, finally, Shakey wrote an awesome female character that DIDN’T have to put on men’s clothes to say what she meant, AND she got some good lines.
Allow me to introduce Helena: an absolute sweetheart, smart as a whip, and the only person in Spain who could cure the King of … something (not sure what, but not the point, so it didn’t matter).
Everyone liked her, except Bertram – the guy she was in love with.
He was a predatory, self-absorbed, over-entitled snot-sucker, who thought Helena was so far beneath him she wasn’t even worth being polite to.
Despite the fact that the King (the KING!) thought she was fantastic and worth every honour he could bestow on her, Bertram was having none of it.
After lots of fairly entertaining how do’s there was a sort of happy ending where Bertram, tricked into making Helena preggers, agreed to honour their marriage. But he clearly hadn’t changed a bit, so I’m confused as to why she even wanted the dirtbag.
No famous lines, but I rather liked, ‘Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.’
And also these categories of bums – the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, and the brawn-buttock (which I leave entirely up to your imagination).
Plus I dare you to find a more aspirational job title than this – a taffeta punk. Which was a whore! Seriously, how great is that?
6/10
The next one was a bit complicated, so work with me here.
26. Measure for Measure
This was all about shagging. But don’t get excited, cos it wasn’t raunchy.
We had Claudio, who was ‘trying’ to marry the girl he loved, but somehow not quite succeeding in that and oh look she’s pregnant, damn.
And we had Angelo, who’d promised to marry a girl but then dumped her when her dowry dwindled, so we knew he was bit of a shit from the get-go.
But Angelo was also a high-up official and, probably out of boredom, decided to go on bit of a civic clean up. Upon discovering that Claudio had got his girlfriend up the duff, he sentenced him to death for immoral behaviour.
So, Claudio’s sister went to Angelo, to plead for her brother’s life. Angelo promptly got the hots for her, and agreed to pardon her brother on the condition she let him do immoral behaviour with her. Thus proving himself to have the self-awareness of a garden fork and the morals of well-fed praying mantis.
But she was a novice nun, so it was never going to happen. Cue more of Shakespeare’s rather overused plot device of shagging in the dark with the wrong person.
And that was about it, really.
Problem with this play, tho, was the whole execution thing – kinda laid the whole comedy vibe a bit flat.
To be fair to him, Will tried to balance it out by including an old slapper who ran a brothel, and some characters called Elbow, Froth, and Pompey Bum, but I wouldn’t say he quite pulled it off (see what I did there, nudge, nudge, wink, wink?).
5/10
But looming on the horizon were the BIG BOYS – Othello, Macbeth, and Lear. Murdering shitheads, all, but parts most actors would also kill to play. Did they deliver? I’ll tell you next time.
---
Get the discussion going – post your thoughts & comments in the thread below…
For more posts by Vagabond Heart click here WTF, Will! parts 24 – 26 – Litopia
