- Feb 3, 2024
- LitBits
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New blog post by Vagabond Heart
WTF, Will! parts – 30 – 32
By now Shakespeare was all Henried out, so he turned to the ancient world to inspire his next set of plays. With varied results, to be honest, but he did get us in the mood with this famous tale of doomed lovers.
30. Anthony and Cleopatra
I know Anthony got top billing here, but I was in camp Cleopatra all the way. She was quite possibly the FIERCEST DIVA ever written. Imagine Cher, Madonna, Lady Gaga and Rhianna all rolled into one, then multiply by 100 and add a shitload of gold and you’re coming close.
So unspeakably awesome was she that she rocked up to her first meeting with Anthony like this: –
‘The barge she sat in, like a burnisht throne, burnt on the water; the poop was beaten gold; purple the sails, and so perfumed that the winds were love-sick with them…For her own person, it beggar’d all description…. and Anthony, enthroned in the market-place, did sit alone, whistling to the air; which, but for vacancy, had gone to gaze on Cleopatra …’
As for Anthony, I get that once upon a time he was a brilliant and ambitious soldier, whose military dominance caused massive expansion of the Roman Empire, and stuck him up there in a third of the top job.
But those days were more than a bit behind him, and he was now the Roman equivalent of an ageing rock star with nothing better to do than be let loose in Marbella.
That Cleopatra was totally besotted with him was strangely wonderful. If rather bewildering. Not least because he was mega-prone to making bad choices and crap decisions, which he had a tendency to blame on her.
The dick.
Still, the heart wants what the heart wants, and she wouldn’t hear a word against him, even – get this! – even after he buggered off and married someone else.
In Act four, Shakespeare suddenly employed a moment of pure post-modern staging, by having musicians play underneath the stage as the soldiers walked across it. Spooked, the soldiers concluded that this was a sign that the God Hercules (Anthony’s patron) had deserted him, and it also presaged the tragedies to come. Was a genius move.
Better yet, Shakespeare was finally getting the all-clear to have women get the good lines. Reckon we have Lizzy I to thank for that.
And Cleopatra got a ton of them.
On knowing her infatuation with Ant-man was a bit extra (but still having all her wits) she said, ‘Though age from folly could not give me freedom, it does from childishness.’
On having been a bit of a slut with Caesar senior – ‘My salad days, when I was green in my judgement.’
On losing not one shred of her dignity upon being captured by Caesar junior – ‘Mine honour was not yielded, but conquer’d merely.’
And when she chose her death – ‘Methinks I hear Anthony call; I see him rouse himself to praise my noble act… husband, I come: I am fire and air…’
A solid 8/10
Ant and Cleo was a tough act to follow, so, not surprisingly, things started gently sliding downhill.
31. Coriolanus
Clearly the forerunner to the eighties action heroes, this was a guy with big muscles, a bloody sword and some serious anger issues.
I’m not quite sure how he managed to acquire a wife and kids, because he seemed both unwilling, and unable to have a chat with anyone without turning it into a fight.
Cue lots of ‘heroic’ (for which read pointlessly stupid) battles, albeit interspersed with some pretty snappy dialogue.
And, Ok, I know this resulted in him being banished from Rome, but wounded pride was NOT a good enough reason to wage war on the city where all his friends, his mum, his wife, AND HIS KIDS lived.
So it was score ten for soldiering, but score minus about a gazillion for being a dad.
Was I sorry when he got the chop at the end of the play? No, not really, because I didn’t particularly like him or anyone in it. Oh, apart from his mum, who single-handedly stopped one of his endless sodding wars, and who I was also a little bit scared of.
6/10
32. Timon of Athens
This was about a rich guy who was kind, generous, a bit of a party animal, and stupid as fuck when it came to spotting parasites and gold-diggers.
The parasites and gold-diggers promptly bled him dry, because he was far too busy partying to pay any attention to his advisers.
Ergo, the rich guy ended up as a poor guy. When he asked his so-called ‘friends’ for help – surprise, surprise – they all said no.
So he went off and lived in a cave, where he spent his time hating all mankind.
Plot twist (or so I thought) – he dug up some gold!
What would happen now?
Would he return, older but wiser? Would he start a new life elsewhere, with people he could trust and a cat called Bob?
Er, no. He gave the gold away (WTAF?), still hated everybody and then he died.
So, some good dialogue and a pretty impressive rant or two, and this – Spock’s new favourite insult – ‘Live loathed and long’.
But other than that, was a bit meh.
4/10
Next time it all goes a bit ‘The good, the bad, and the ugly’. Tune in to see which plays qualify for those titles.
---
WTF, Will! parts – 30 – 32
By now Shakespeare was all Henried out, so he turned to the ancient world to inspire his next set of plays. With varied results, to be honest, but he did get us in the mood with this famous tale of doomed lovers.
30. Anthony and Cleopatra
I know Anthony got top billing here, but I was in camp Cleopatra all the way. She was quite possibly the FIERCEST DIVA ever written. Imagine Cher, Madonna, Lady Gaga and Rhianna all rolled into one, then multiply by 100 and add a shitload of gold and you’re coming close.
So unspeakably awesome was she that she rocked up to her first meeting with Anthony like this: –
‘The barge she sat in, like a burnisht throne, burnt on the water; the poop was beaten gold; purple the sails, and so perfumed that the winds were love-sick with them…For her own person, it beggar’d all description…. and Anthony, enthroned in the market-place, did sit alone, whistling to the air; which, but for vacancy, had gone to gaze on Cleopatra …’
As for Anthony, I get that once upon a time he was a brilliant and ambitious soldier, whose military dominance caused massive expansion of the Roman Empire, and stuck him up there in a third of the top job.
But those days were more than a bit behind him, and he was now the Roman equivalent of an ageing rock star with nothing better to do than be let loose in Marbella.
That Cleopatra was totally besotted with him was strangely wonderful. If rather bewildering. Not least because he was mega-prone to making bad choices and crap decisions, which he had a tendency to blame on her.
The dick.
Still, the heart wants what the heart wants, and she wouldn’t hear a word against him, even – get this! – even after he buggered off and married someone else.
In Act four, Shakespeare suddenly employed a moment of pure post-modern staging, by having musicians play underneath the stage as the soldiers walked across it. Spooked, the soldiers concluded that this was a sign that the God Hercules (Anthony’s patron) had deserted him, and it also presaged the tragedies to come. Was a genius move.
Better yet, Shakespeare was finally getting the all-clear to have women get the good lines. Reckon we have Lizzy I to thank for that.
And Cleopatra got a ton of them.
On knowing her infatuation with Ant-man was a bit extra (but still having all her wits) she said, ‘Though age from folly could not give me freedom, it does from childishness.’
On having been a bit of a slut with Caesar senior – ‘My salad days, when I was green in my judgement.’
On losing not one shred of her dignity upon being captured by Caesar junior – ‘Mine honour was not yielded, but conquer’d merely.’
And when she chose her death – ‘Methinks I hear Anthony call; I see him rouse himself to praise my noble act… husband, I come: I am fire and air…’
A solid 8/10
Ant and Cleo was a tough act to follow, so, not surprisingly, things started gently sliding downhill.
31. Coriolanus
Clearly the forerunner to the eighties action heroes, this was a guy with big muscles, a bloody sword and some serious anger issues.
I’m not quite sure how he managed to acquire a wife and kids, because he seemed both unwilling, and unable to have a chat with anyone without turning it into a fight.
Cue lots of ‘heroic’ (for which read pointlessly stupid) battles, albeit interspersed with some pretty snappy dialogue.
And, Ok, I know this resulted in him being banished from Rome, but wounded pride was NOT a good enough reason to wage war on the city where all his friends, his mum, his wife, AND HIS KIDS lived.
So it was score ten for soldiering, but score minus about a gazillion for being a dad.
Was I sorry when he got the chop at the end of the play? No, not really, because I didn’t particularly like him or anyone in it. Oh, apart from his mum, who single-handedly stopped one of his endless sodding wars, and who I was also a little bit scared of.
6/10
32. Timon of Athens
This was about a rich guy who was kind, generous, a bit of a party animal, and stupid as fuck when it came to spotting parasites and gold-diggers.
The parasites and gold-diggers promptly bled him dry, because he was far too busy partying to pay any attention to his advisers.
Ergo, the rich guy ended up as a poor guy. When he asked his so-called ‘friends’ for help – surprise, surprise – they all said no.
So he went off and lived in a cave, where he spent his time hating all mankind.
Plot twist (or so I thought) – he dug up some gold!
What would happen now?
Would he return, older but wiser? Would he start a new life elsewhere, with people he could trust and a cat called Bob?
Er, no. He gave the gold away (WTAF?), still hated everybody and then he died.
So, some good dialogue and a pretty impressive rant or two, and this – Spock’s new favourite insult – ‘Live loathed and long’.
But other than that, was a bit meh.
4/10
Next time it all goes a bit ‘The good, the bad, and the ugly’. Tune in to see which plays qualify for those titles.
---
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