Craft Chat WOW Competition Critique

[Pamela Jo]

Remember when Women On Writing had their free competition awhile back? I entered a flash fiction story I wrote for the old FF Litopia contest. They offer a critique which was interesting. It highlights that old problem of how the reader and a story create a whole different dynamic than you the writer may intend. If anyone sees how the reader got the impressions that the MC was the OLDER sister and the younger sister marrying please let me know. Three is the magic number to tell a reader something in journalism before they remember it and 3 times I say the MC just turned 16. My husband also disputes the comma, technical point since he proofread it. That may be an American vs British thing. For anyone curious about entering a WOW competition.

 

[Sedayne]

Some lovely feedback there - and well-deserved.
No idea how they confused the ages, you absolutely make it clear.
The comma is tricky - my first reaction is that it's not needed 'I loved yet changed' rather than 'I loved, yet I changed' but it's the voice that's changed, not the I, so the comma is needed (I think). But that's tiny potatoes in a brilliant piece. Should've won.

 

[Claire G]

Love this piece. I remember it well. It was clear to me who was older/younger. I think the comma could stay or go and the reader was being quite pedantic xx

 

[JoanUP]

It wasn't clear to me.
You do say she just turneed 16, but I don't see anything that clarifies age differences with another person.

The quilt, her birthday, and her age seems irrelvant to the scene she's watching, considering she's dreaming it.

The fact that the bride is not there, and she is awaiting for her maid of honor suggests that both the bride and maid of honor are elsewhere, making the narrator neither the bride nor the maid of honor.

In the reference "the child is not one of us", it isn't clear if the bride or her maid of honor is too young. Plus, we don't know who these two are. We only learn that Elaine (the sister) is getting married in the middle of the last page. We never learn who the maid of honor is.

Even if the reader pieces together that the "until this month" refers to the birthday of the narrator, we still don't know the age of the sister.

At the end, the narrator again refers to sleep, but an uncomfortable sleep. To me, this suggests she's considering leaving the dream. Then she speaks, so to me, she was waking up. In the last sentence, it's not clear if the mother and sister are the mother and daughter of the dream, or if they are her mother and sister in real life.

 

[Pamela Jo]

I think Joan you are reading it with a nonfiction eye. You do say you aren't a fan of SF and fantasy so I can appreciate why you would want these things answered. But for speculative fiction most readers want questions that tickle the imagination. As always horses for courses. Where one comprehends liabilities others find assets. It is always that difficult trick of getting the reader to see what the writer sees..

 

[Claire G]

It was my sister Elaine who called my name. The child in me wanted to run to her as I had always done. The 16-year-old knew to be afraid.
“It is time, little one. Hecate, our goddess of the moon and crossroads who comes and goes to heaven and hell as she wills calls you.” My sister held her arms out to me. “Become one of us.”

To me, the 'as I had always done' suggests a younger sister running to an older one. The phrase 'little one' tells me the older sister is speaking.

 

[Pamela Jo]

It was my sister Elaine who called my name. The child in me wanted to run to her as I had always done. The 16-year-old knew to be afraid.
“It is time, little one. Hecate, our goddess of the moon and crossroads who comes and goes to heaven and hell as she wills calls you.” My sister held her arms out to me. “Become one of us.”

To me, the 'as I had always done' suggests a younger sister running to an older one. The phrase 'little one' tells me the older sister is speaking.

I see I can lose a word there. Just she instead of the 2nd My Sister?

 

[JoanUP]

I think Joan you are reading it with a nonfiction eye. You do say you aren't a fan of SF and fantasy so I can appreciate why you would want these things answered. But for speculative fiction most readers want questions that tickle the imagination. As always horses for courses. Where one comprehends liabilities others find assets. It is always that difficult trick of getting the reader to see what the writer sees..

My response was in reference as to why someone wouldn't know the age difference of the sisters. I didn't mean to indicate what I wanted.

 

[Pamela Jo]

My response was in reference as to why someone wouldn't know the age difference of the sisters. I didn't mean to indicate what I wanted.

I'm sorry if my response felt personal.