Really informative @Carol Rose . Thank you for this.I'm afraid I must strongly disagree, @Rachel Caldecott-Thornton. It's not a fad, for one thing. And no, it won't make you an instant best seller, but it will remove the distance between your readers and your POV character, thus making your character more fully developed, and overall making the story stronger. Let me give you an example that might help.
Sally felt her pulse race. She looked at John, unable to tear her gaze away from his face. She realized that everything she’d ever wanted was right here, with him. And as she did, she wondered if he felt the same way.
Nothing grammatically wrong with the sentence, but you’re telling the reader Sally’s emotions, her senses, and her thoughts. We are in Sally’s head. We don’t need to FILTER the emotion, the senses, or the thoughts. And in not doing so, it eliminates the distance and the passive feel of this paragraph.
Sally’s pulse raced, and she was unable to tear her gaze from his face. Everything she’d ever wanted was right here, with him. But what if he didn’t feel the same way?
We’ve used active verbs and removed the distance. The content is the same, but now it has a better sense of immediacy and urgency.
What do I mean by FILTER WORDS? This list:
Are These Filter Words Weakening Your Fiction? - Write It Sideways
Looking at each instance of where you've used one of these and determining whether you can switch it around and remove the distance - the filter - is step one in moving from an omniscient POV to a closer, deeper third-person POV.
Writing in close third is a matter of stepping outside the tendency to TELL the story through your POV - the author's - and instead get right inside that POV character and pretend you are there. In his head. You see what he sees. You feel what he feels. You touch what he touches. You smell what he smells. You hear what he hears, and you taste what he tastes.
Let me give you another example:
It was just an ordinary cat. John had seen a million like it in his lifetime, but something about this one called to him. "Hey, fella. Come over here."
At first, the feline eyed him warily so John squatted down to its level and held out his hand. The cat watched, still unimpressed, but John wasn't giving up. He sat on the pavement, not caring who might walk by and think his behavior odd. Green, feline eyes brightened a bit, and the cat sat up straighter, ears upright, chin lifted.
Ah, here we go. He's curious.
When John slowly extended his hand again, this time the cat inched forward until its cold nose touched John's skin. John slid his hand under the cat's chin, gently stroking the fur the way Whiskers always loved.
This cat could be Whiskers, if not for the coloring. Whiskers had been mostly black with a few white spots sprinkled here and there. This adorable fellow was exactly the opposite. Soft white fur dotted with black on its paws and the tip of its tail. Why is he out here alone? No collar, but that didn't mean anything. He looked well-fed and content, which cats living on their own usually don't.
"What shall I do with you, eh?"
When the cat rubbed his hand, the decision was easy.
Now this time, let's put the distance in there:
An ordinary cat came into John's view. He had seen a million like it in his lifetime, but there was something about this one that seemed to call to him. "Hey, fella. Come over here," he said.
At first, John noticed that the feline eyed him warily, so he squatted down to its level and held out his hand. John saw the cat watching him. It didn't look impressed, but John wasn't going to give up. He sat on the pavement. If anyone waked by and thought his behavior was odd, he didn't care. John noticed that the cat's green eyes brightened a bit, and that he sat up straighter with his ears upright and his chin lifted.
"Ah, here we go," he thought. "He's curious."
When John slowly extended his hand again, this time the cat inched forward until John felt the cat's cold nose touch his skin. John moved his hand under the cat's chin and gently stroked the cat's fur. It reminded him of the way Whiskers always loved to be petted.
John realized that this cat could be Whiskers, except that Whiskers had been mostly black with a few white spots sprinkled here and there. This cat's coloring was exactly the opposite. He had soft white fur that was dotted with black on its paws and the tip of its tail. John wondered why the cat was out here alone. He didn't have on a collar, but that might not mean anything. He looked well-fed and content. Cat's living on their own usually don't look like that.
"What shall I do with you, eh?" he asked.
When the cat rubbed John's hand, his decision was easy to make.
******
We used a lot more words to add that distance, including some unnecessary dialogue tags and a lot of "that" sprinkled in there. If you read it out loud, it's easier to spot the distance in the second example. We're TELLING the reader what John notices, sees, thinks, felt, is reminded of, realizes, and wonders. We've used an omniscient POV in the second example. We're looking down on the scene, describing it.
I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps.
Now if only all our leaders would be so wise... and now there is a "Rant!" prefix... thxs for suggestion
Thanks Pete <3
And, as my husband said, makes him sound slightly stoned@Rachel Caldecott-Thornton your very welcome.
And yes @Carol Rose is the very wise woman
I see Agent Pete does reply to his Litopian's then LOL @AgentPete - Its fine, he's too busy filming cinematography for LONDON and eating chocolate anyway
Looking forward to his latest addition this Sunday with no chocolate this time I hope, as it gave him a tickle in his throat but didn't stop him from giggling though which was appealing and amusing to be honest
Don't get me wrong. I think Pete is an absolute star! We all do. And we are all aware that he doesn't have to do this pop-up thing for us at all. I've found, when I've had him critique my work, that my immediate reaction is grumble, grumble, grumble. Then I think about what he's said and realise that he is totally spot on. Uncannily spot on. (Actually, nothing uncanny about it, he does actually know what he's talking about).
That was quick. It's like rubbing the lamp and getting what I wish for. Could I have another go and suggest that perhaps you fill my bank account?... and now there is a "Rant!" prefix... thxs for suggestion
It's a great book. I do hope you like it!
Chuck Palahniuk, he of Fight Club fame, would certainly agree with you. It's the minimalist school of thinking. I like it, but I wouldn't write it. Getting inside a character's head is, for me, the one thing written stories can do that film, TV and theatre can't (unless you admit voice-over).
Brilliant. I'm fascinated by this sort of thing as well. Here in Spain you don't pull someone's leg but rather you take their hair. It's the milk! means it's really good (it's the shit!). And to have a blast is to pass it pipe (that last one has a really tortured etymology).
The important thing is that you feel in control. In a first draft, I never do.
I think that nails it.
Said like it sounds? Do you know what the original German was/meant?
Yep, 'macht nichts' means 'doesn't matter'. Where in Germany were you stationed @Charles Ott? Ramstein? Stuttgard? Speng?
That's interesting. It makes me think of Uptight (Everything's Alright) by Stevie Wonder. I've never given the lyrics to that song much thought before, but his use of uptight is clearly positive. The song was from 1966, so I wonder if uptight had a positive meaning outside the army as well – at least in some circles.
Barbara -- I was in Gelnhausen. I wish I had pictures from those days -- we lived in old Nazi barracks (very nicely built of brick -- they were planning for the long run!) which had bas-reliefs over the doors depicting the heroic development of the German people, starting from heroic cavemen on the left, then heroic knights and peasants, and ending with heroic soldiers in coal-scuttle helmets on the right. The other thing about Gelnhausen is that it's built in a valley of the river Kinzig. Frederick Barbarossa's old imperial headquarters were on an island in the middle of the river, providing a natural moat. However, the ground was pretty soggy there. The rest of the medieval town is still there, but Frederick's castle has been sinking all these centuries and was about eight feet high when I was there. Someday, I've got to use that in a fantasy story! Later I went to Vietnam, but that's another story.
Wow, I bet you have some stories to tell. I work with US soldiers. I have tons of respect for you guys.
