Story Description - Roko's Labyrinth - there is figuratively nothing worse than writing these.

[MichaelBlackbourn]

So, this is my least favorite part of self publishing. Trying to sum up a book into a catchy little blurb to entice hungry brains to click buy.

This is the second in a series of short stories (each with a different main character, only a loose connection) and this is what I have so far, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Somehow I always read this kind of thing in a booming trailer-guy voice:

--
Roko's Labyrinth:

The world is on life support, crippled by rampant Artificial Intelligence. An elite class, operating under the banal title of The Board, applied a tourniquet, cutting themselves off from the dying planet.

Nicholas Rose is among those elite. A biologically enhanced programmer, a hacker born on the right side of a wall, inside one of The Board’s protected city Claves.

Nick had buried his dreams of being a hero long ago, choosing instead to hunt down and eradicate the AI, making a difference while avoiding any real physical conflict. His life’s focus has always been on this chess-game – defeating the creations of the genius Roko Kasun, the long-dead architect of the AI.

A summons by the leader of The Board draws Nick from behind the safety of his keyboard. A secret location. An isolated computer system. The chance to rid mankind of Roko’s creations once and for all.

To succeed, Nick will have to risk his life and trust the most unlikely of allies, the memories of the one man who holds the key to eradicating the super-intelligent AI.

Roko himself.

“I’m not the savior I imagined myself to be. But I’m not the villain I’m remembered as” -Roko Kasun

--

 

[Katie-Ellen]

I think it's too long. Pudgy in the middle. But a couple more shakes and slices, a teensy bit of re-ordering, you're nearly there.

 

[Sea-shore]

Roko himself.

“I’m not the savior I imagined myself to be. But I’m not the villain I’m remembered as” -Roko Kasun

--

I really like this bit and the quote seems to me to be the beginning. I wonder if you could play around with the words to put it first so feel more chronological in order? I can have a go for you if you like.

In all it has some intriguing parts that would make me perhaps want to flick though the book to take a look, but not immediately click to buy.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

I really like this bit and the quote seems to me to be the beginning. I wonder if you could play around with the words to put it first so feel more chronological in order? I can have a go for you if you like.

In all it has some intriguing parts that would make me perhaps want to flick though the book to take a look, but not immediately click to buy.

Please have a go! Would love tosee your take on it. Thank you

 

[Sea-shore]

Ok, I'll give it a shot.

 

[Sea-shore]

It began with one man, the genius architect of the AI, Roko Kasun, but now he is long-dead and left a world on life support, crippled by rampant menace of his creation. “I’m not the savior I imagined myself to be. But I’m not the villain I’m remembered as”

An elite class, operating under the banal title of The Board, applied a tourniquet, cutting themselves off from the dying planet. Nicholas Rose is among those elite. A biologically enhanced programmer, a hacker born on the right side of a wall, inside one of The Board’s protected city: Claves.

Nick had buried his dreams of being a hero long ago, choosing instead to hunt down and eradicate the AI, making a difference while avoiding any real physical conflict. His life’s focus has always been on this game – defeating the AI.

A summons by the leader of The Board draws Nick from behind the safety of his keyboard. A secret location. An isolated computer system. The chance to rid mankind of Roko’s creations once and for all.

To succeed, Nick will have to risk his life and trust the most unlikely of allies, the memories of the only man who holds the key to eradicating the super-intelligent AI... Roko himself.

 

[Sea-shore]

I think @Katie-Ellen Hazeldine is right about the middle (the part with the summons perhaps). I think it needs to be tighter, with more specific info. Somehow.
How about some more personal information about Nick too, so that a reader can get more of an idea of what he's about. He sounds like a great character already.

 

[Sea-shore]

Or now that I think about it, they always tell you to put the strongest statement last, and your last part was the strongest, so keep your ending? You are right about blurbs being tough.

It began with one man, the genius architect of the AI, Roko Kasun, but now he is long-dead and left a world on life support, crippled by rampant menace of his creation.

An elite class, operating under the banal title of The Board, applied a tourniquet, cutting themselves off from the dying planet. Nicholas Rose is among those elite. A biologically enhanced programmer, a hacker born on the right side of a wall, inside one of The Board’s protected city: Claves.

Nick had buried his dreams of being a hero long ago, choosing instead to hunt down and eradicate the AI, making a difference while avoiding any real physical conflict. His life’s focus has always been on this game – defeating the AI.

A summons by the leader of The Board draws Nick from behind the safety of his keyboard. A secret location. An isolated computer system. The chance to rid mankind of Roko’s creations once and for all.

To succeed, Nick will have to risk his life and trust the most unlikely of allies, the memories of the only man who holds the key to eradicating the super-intelligent AI… Roko himself.

“I’m not the savior I imagined myself to be. But I’m not the villain I’m remembered as” -Roko Kasun

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

This is great! Thanks. I'm going to push and pull this around a bit more.

 

[Richard Turner]

Since I am about to ask for the same sort of help, I'd better have a go!

I like this a lot and would only suggest some small changes to make it flow better. One of them would be to stick to the present tense, and to keep normal sentence structure except where in paragraph 4 you use verb-less sentences to great effect. The third paragraph contains what looks like a contradiction: Nick dreamt of being a hero, but his life focus has always been on the chess-game. This would be my version with changes in bold:

The world is on life support, crippled by rampant Artificial Intelligence. An elite class, operating under the banal title of The Board, have applied a tourniquet, cutting themselves off from the dying planet.

Nicholas Rose is one of the elite: a biologically enhanced programmer, a hacker born on the right side of a wall, inside one of The Board’s protected city Claves.

Nick had buried his dreams of being a hero long ago, choosing instead to make his life’s focus the eradication of the creations of the genius Roko Kasun, long-dead architect of the AI.

A summons by the leader (Chairman?)of The Board draws Nick from behind the safety of his keyboard. A secret location. An isolated computer system. The chance to rid mankind of Roko’s creations once and for all.

To succeed, Nick will have to risk his life and trust the most unlikely of allies, the memories of the one man who holds the key to eradicating the super-intelligent AI.

Roko himself.

“I’m not the savior I imagined myself to be. But I’m not the villain I’m remembered as” -Roko Kasun

 

[Richard Turner]

To be strictly correct I should have written "The Board has...." These singular nouns which describe plural entities are tricky.

 

[Paul Whybrow]

A blurb should intrigue, not explain. Hinting at things captures the attention of a reader, making them want to find out more. A blurb is bait on the end of a hook, and, in this way, can even be slightly deceitful....

I don't mean by deliberately misrepresenting your story, more in a sleight of hand way. Just as with a magician, a writer of fiction is an entertainer, so one has to put forth a proposition that makes the audience think, 'ok, how's he going to pull this off?'

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Don't need

'Roko himself.' Quote does that.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

I really like both the attempted rewrites. Thank you. I'm going to try polishing that version.... in the meantime here is a completely different take on it. Thoughts on which I should move forward with?

--

The world is dying.

And Nick Rose stands idly by. (maybe... watches from the sidelines.)

With an enhanced mind and born to the ruling class - The Board - Nick is an AI hacker. Tasked with eradicating Roko Kasun's bots, the long-dead architect of the Artificial Intelligence that's asphyxiating the planet, Nick hides behind his keyboard. He's no hero.

The Board was severing ties with the rest of mankind, retreating to safety, unplugging and conceding the fate of the world, or so Nick thought. Now, a summons from Leadership draws Nick into the very real, very non-virtual disaster zone on a last, desperate mission to save everything, and he'll need to trust the most unlikely ally of all. Roko himself.

In the machine, evil never dies - fortunately, neither do heroes.

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Is Nick Rose, Roko?

 

[Monique GOLAY]

Nick had buried his dreams of being a hero long ago, choosing instead to hunt down and eradicate the AI, making a difference while avoiding any real physical conflict. His life’s focus has always been on this chess-game – defeating the creations of the genius Roko Kasun, the long-dead architect of the AI.

Nice! And you could also think of mentioning Artificial Intelligence beating the number one world player of Go, Lee Sedol, in March 2016. The game of Go is vaster than Chess . . .

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Is Nick Rose, Roko?

No. Roko is dead. But its revealed that he lives on as a simulation running as a process inside one of his AI creations. Nick has to make contact and leverage the knowledge of the creator of the AI to learn to defeat them

 

[Sea-shore]

I really like both the attempted rewrites. Thank you. I'm going to try polishing that version.... in the meantime here is a completely different take on it. Thoughts on which I should move forward with?

--

The world is dying.

And Nick Rose stands idly by. (maybe... watches from the sidelines.)

With an enhanced mind and born to the ruling class - The Board - Nick is an AI hacker. Tasked with eradicating Roko Kasun's bots, the long-dead architect of the Artificial Intelligence that's asphyxiating the planet, Nick hides behind his keyboard. He's no hero.

The Board was severing ties with the rest of mankind, retreating to safety, unplugging and conceding the fate of the world, or so Nick thought. Now, a summons from Leadership draws Nick into the very real, very non-virtual disaster zone on a last, desperate mission to save everything, and he'll need to trust the most unlikely ally of all. Roko himself.

In the machine, evil never dies - fortunately, neither do heroes.

I like this one because it's straight forward and I get the story premise immediately, but it's only one opinion. What do others think?

Michael, which one matches the writing style of the book more?

I think the last line is not strong enough. I like the teasing reveal of Roko as an ally as it made me go "wait, what?!"

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Yes. I just wondered if Nick was going to get a shock, finding out that he himself is part of Roko's ongoing intelligence.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Yes. I just wondered if Nick was going to get a shock, finding out that he himself is part of Roko's ongoing intelligence.

Well... i dont want to spoil everything. But there is a twist. Feel like reading it?

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Latest:


The world is dying.

And Nick Rose watches from the sidelines.

With an enhanced mind and born to the ruling class - The Board - Nick spends his days hacking AI. Tasked with eradicating the bots created by Roko Kasun, the long-dead architect of the Artificial Intelligence that's crippling the planet, Nick takes refuge behind his keyboard. He's no hero.

The Board had been severing ties with the rest of mankind, retreating to safety, unplugging and conceding the fate of the world, or so Nick had thought. Now, a summons from Leadership draws Nick into the very real disaster-zone on a last, desperate mission to save everything, and he'll need to trust the most unlikely ally of all: Roko himself.

In the machine, evil never dies - fortunately, neither do heroes.

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Well... i dont want to spoil everything. But there is a twist. Feel like reading it?

I'd give it a go for a fellow Litopian, if you are not in any hurry and could wait till September for feedback.

I don't think you need the word, 'fortunately.'

In the machine, evil lives on...but do heroes?

 

[Monique GOLAY]

To succeed, Nick will have to risk his life and trust the most unlikely of allies, the memories of the one man who holds the key to eradicating the super-intelligent AI.

There are all kinds of interesting ideas: go on!

 

[Patricia D]

No. Roko is dead. But its revealed that he lives on as a simulation running as a process inside one of his AI creations. Nick has to make contact and leverage the knowledge of the creator of the AI to learn to defeat them

Agree original was long, wordy and should be all in present tense, but you got lots of good suggestions for addressing that. I have only one thing to add: work this info into your blurb. Roko is dead but he lives on ...

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Agree original was long, wordy and should be all in present tense, but you got lots of good suggestions for addressing that. I have only one thing to add: work this info into your blurb. Roko is dead but he lives on ...

Thats kind of a big reveal. Im reluctant to put it in ...