Request for feedback on synopsis

Passive versus active voice chuckle I just saw posted on Facebook

Query letter success

Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Matt

Guest
Hi

I'm a new boy, so forgive me if I'm being presumptuous..., but I could use some feedback on the synopsis--really, the plot--for the novel that I'm currently sending out to agents. The rejections are flying in so I'm thinking I haven't cracked it this time.

I'm consistently getting good feedback from agents on the style and content (we love the writing, we love the characters) but negative response on the plot (boring/not thrilling/obvious, etc.) so it seems the area I really need to work on is the structure and pacing of my work.

I've pasted in an agent's response so you get the 'we like it, but no' drift, and then I've pasted the synopsis which should give you a sense of the novel's plot, which seems to be the problem area.

Anyway, all feedback welcome... truly.

And thank you.

Sample agent feedback:
Thank you for allowing us to consider THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS. You have created a really interesting story and there is definitely something very intriguing in your premise; there are echoes of THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY in your story and this is really refreshing to see. You also write incredibly well and I effortlessly absorbed your chapters, however at this stage I’m afraid THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS isn’t right for me. I think you could really push the tension by holding back from the reader just how dark and troubled Jonah is until much later. A suggestion would be to have him charming and seemingly open, but then getting spooked by Patty who he sees returning from the garden and running before Robert can stop him. As in THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY it’s the slow introduction of how dark and disturbed Tom is that really hooks the reader and I think you could do this similarly well in your story. I wish you the best of luck with THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS and in your writing career.

Synopsis/Plot
The Panic of Closing Doors—Synopsis

One drowsy Sunday, a young man arrives at a house in Brighton and turns the lives of the Brock family upside down. The young man is Jonah, seeking the father he never knew. The father is Robert Brock: middle-class and middle-aged, husband and step-father, reconciled (so he thinks) to the ache of having no children of his own. Robert is both elated and bewildered to discover he has a twenty-one year old son, but Jonah is a spiky, difficult character. He leaves as abruptly as he arrived, his parting gift a reference to some un-named peril facing his mother, Caroline, back in France.

Robert is compelled to seek out his son. The search takes him to Boston, Massachusetts, where he finds Jonah living in squalor with the mother of his unborn child. The more Robert sees of this awkward, spiteful, viciously humorous boy, the less comfortable he feels. The reunion ends with Robert losing his temper and striking Jonah. On top of this, Robert’s absence is causing tension at home and at work.

Citing concern for his mother, Jonah abandons his pregnant partner and manipulates Robert into gifting him a plane ticket to Paris. Robert insists on joining Jonah and they spar the entire journey. On arrival, it appears that Caroline has disappeared from the family home. Jonah fears she may be a suicide risk. As they search for the missing Caroline, Robert is increasingly disturbed by Jonah’s behaviour—he’s a different person every day—and finds himself drawn into his son’s sinister world. Meanwhile, Robert’s wife, Patty, travels to Paris to bring her husband home. Robert’s extended absences cost him his job.

The search for Caroline ends when Roberts realises that everything Jonah has told him is a lie. Caroline is healthy and happy, and Jonah has used Robert to further his own sordid aims. Robert learns of Jonah’s troubled path to manhood: a life punctuated with similar flights of obsessive, destructive fantasy.

Caroline coaxes Jonah back to Normandy while Robert and Patty return to England, wondering if they’ll see Jonah again. Robert doesn’t have to wait long because Jonah has a new vision: his mother and father reunited; the three of them living together in familial harmony. There is no place in Jonah’s plan for Patty and her daughter.

Jonah secretly travels to England where he stalks the Brock family, disrupting their lives and conducting an anonymous hate campaign against Patty. He tries to force Robert and Caroline back together and befriends Robert’s step-daughter, manipulating her to his own ends. For respite, Robert takes his family to Boston to visit Jonah’s ex-girlfriend and the new baby. Jonah follows and forces a physical confrontation before disappearing again.

The Brocks return to England, where Jonah launches a last, desperate attempt to fashion the family he craves. In the final confrontation, Jonah tries to prove an affair between Robert and Caroline. When that fails, Jonah tells Patty how he plans to destroy her daughter. Driven to a moment of temporary insanity, Patty wounds Jonah with a kitchen knife.

We leave the Brock family with Patty recovering in a mental health facility. In the visitors room she issues an ultimatum: Robert must choose between her and Jonah—for the sake of her daughter if nothing else. Rob loves Patty; he’s determined not to abandon his wife and step-daughter. But blood ties bind like no other, and Jonah—who unbeknownst to Patty is waiting outside in the car—can be very persuasive.
 
Thank you for allowing us to consider THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS. You have created a really interesting story and there is definitely something very intriguing in your premise; there are echoes of THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY in your story and this is really refreshing to see. You also write incredibly well and I effortlessly absorbed your chapters, however at this stage I’m afraid THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS isn’t right for me. I think you could really push the tension by holding back from the reader just how dark and troubled Jonah is until much later. A suggestion would be to have him charming and seemingly open, but then getting spooked by Patty who he sees returning from the garden and running before Robert can stop him. As in THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY it’s the slow introduction of how dark and disturbed Tom is that really hooks the reader and I think you could do this similarly well in your story. I wish you the best of luck with THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS and in your writing career.

What you have here is a non-standard, personalised response... this means you are closer than you think you are if they have liked it enough not to just copy and paste the generic response :)
 
Perhaps look at the book from a different perspective? Or if they think it's too predictable, maybe you need to omit some parts of it... less is more would be a good statement to go by. The less the reader knows, the more exciting the shifts will be... but don't remove too much ;)

Anyone who has read my books will tell you... I love to turn things on their heads... frequently. The reader has no clue which way is up though there are constant undertones to stop them losing track. I think if you want to 'jazz' things up, then that's what you need to do. Sort of mislead the reader.
 
Thanks both. And yes, it feels like a case of so near, yet so far... It was the same with my previous novel: plenty of interest, no takers. And again the reason given was always pace and plot

There's something in the idea of switching things often- something I probably don't do enough, and something I guess you can do without losing the essence of what you want to say. Now the thing is written - and I know what happens at the end - I could go back and make it a little less 'route one'.

(and by the way, I've had plenty of pro-forma responses too!)
 
The appearance of a hitherto unknown son is a good premise and opens up many possibilities for the plot. I assume your main protagonist is Jonah, not Robert, and from early on he just comes across as too unpleasant for the reader to relate to. Sure, there's nothing worse than a bland, nice MC but he is almost the opposite. (Tom Ripley is charming, engaging and easily has the reader rooting for him, and his dark side only opens up slowly).
I have to confess I was getting a bit dizzy what with the various parties all the criss-crossing the Atlantic and the Channel, to the extent that it was beginning to look like a Da Vinci Code romp but with more psychological undertones.
Not sure why Robert was suddenly concerned about Caroline having presumably previous left her for his current family.
I felt more could be achieved by having Jonah as a much more likeable character but working surreptitiously to alienate Patty and the daughter, whilst being a model son to Robert. I'd cut out the girlfriend and baby as I do not know what they add other than making us like Jonah even less as he peremptorily leaves her to go to France.
Lastly, I think a synopsis should not leave any questions for the agent and your last line suggests that there is a final twist but we're not told what.
All this whilst not having a clue about your style of writing, the nuances of plot, and the details of each character - so all to be taken with a large pinch of salt, but it's my well-meant penny's worth.
 
I've never seen or heard of a personal response of any sort, so that's got to be a good sign. ;)
 
Thanks, Bernard.

Pinch of salt or not, your feedback tallies almost exactly with another agent response I had, which was: why make Jonah difficult from the start? Instead, make him charming and plausible then slowly bring out his darker side. So you're not the first to suggest that! And I'm aware of the danger of the multi-location, globe-trotting Da Vinci Code style approach, often the refuge of crap writing.

Thanks again, very useful. Any good suggestion re plot and pace, in general? Any useful books? Models? Magic spells?
 
Just having a moment, here. Could be the shock of finding out somebody got a personal response, but I'm sure I've read this synopsis before. Do I know you on Twitter, Matt? Or has one of our fellow Litopians recently mentioned a story set in Brighton with an estranged son coming home.
This is going to drive me mad.
@Matt , sorry if I've not seen this before. I think I've read something that STARTS just like it, but it's only the first paragraph. Your title is excellent. Your story makes sense, so... If you're being told you need to increase tension, why not watch some Hitchcock?
The great step to increase suspense (so I've read) is to make sure the audience know something that the character doesn't. Think of a man with boxes heading towards an open hole.
But in all honesty, I think, at your level, any advice I offered would be patronising.

If it's any use, there's a link to an 'agony agent' in this forum. I think it's run by Writers and Artists, and you might benefit from specific advise at expert level.

Here we go. Thanks to @Katie-Ellen Hazeldine for this one

Our own Agent Pete offers a more comprehensive service here

And if you've got a healthy Trust Fund, you can get some help at Cornerstones


EDIT: I'm delighted to report I'm not going mad! I HAD already seen the opening paragraph in your Greetings thread!
 
Last edited:
I've never seen or heard of a personal response of any sort, so that's got to be a good sign. ;)

It happens on occasion. I got one with a partial critique of the pages I sent (to the agent I petitioned as though they were in mission impossible) Shame I didn't leave them till now... It may have been a different story... och well... you live and you learn.

(Actually... on a side note - that was specific fantasy... They would probably good for some of you guys if anyone wants contact details let me know and I will see if I can dig it out)
 
I love the way Karen suggests keeping the audience in the dark and I suggest the compete opposite.,

Just goes to show ~ there is no such thing as a right answer
 
Just having a moment, here. Could be the shock of finding out somebody got a personal response, but I'm sure I've read this synopsis before. Do I know you on Twitter, Matt? Or has one of our fellow Litopians recently mentioned a story set in Brighton with an estranged son coming home.
This is going to drive me mad.
@Matt , sorry if I've not seen this before. I think I've read something that STARTS just like it, but it's only the first paragraph. Your title is excellent. Your story makes sense, so... If you're being told you need to increase tension, why not watch some Hitchcock?
The great step to increase suspense (so I've read) is to make sure the audience know something that the character doesn't. Think of a man with boxes heading towards an open hole.
But in all honesty, I think, at your level, any advice I offered would be patronising.

If it's any use, there's a link to an 'agony agent' in this forum. I think it's run by Writers and Artists, and you might benefit from specific advise at expert level.

Here we go. Thanks to @Katie-Ellen Hazeldine for this one

Our own Agent Pete offers a more comprehensive service here

And if you've got a healthy Trust Fund, you can get some help at Cornerstones

Thanks David! The links look good and I like both your suggestions (Hitchcock and the man with the boxes). My story is newly minted but now you've got me thinking... has someone beaten me to it? In any case, anything set in Brighton will likely involve long-lost children, drugs, seedy hookups, banjos, dogs on string, and the call of the ocean.

(And yes, Cornerstones, it might be cheaper to set up your own publishing company)
 
Any good suggestion re plot and pace, in general? Any useful books? Models? Magic spells?

Funny you should ask: I'm just reading William Boyd's 'Any Human Heart' - not a psychological thriller by any means, but following the fortunes of the main character throughout his life from school to the end. Objectively, he is a pretty sorry human being with more failings than most of us: adulterer, near-alcoholic, liar, often lazy, easily gives up his own son, flabby in middle age. Boyd's genius however is to introduce these facets piecemeal, and interspersed by positive attributes. For example, his long term mourning for a wife and daughter killed in the war crops up again and again and shows us a more fragile inner self - even as he in the next scene propositions two prostitutes! By pacing his introduction of the' bad bits' and sowing them on a bed of happier characteristics he places the reader wholly on the protagonist's side.
For your novel, I would want to imagine being Jonah, empathising with his plight (it can't be nice to have grown up without your father and knowing he had left your mother), and making excuses for his misdemeanours by quoting his good attributes. I would want to share his goal of reuniting 'his' family and thus share in his tactics for achieving it.
That's two pennies' worth now. Think of me as a faulty ATM.
 
You could always try The Death of Bunny Monroe by Nick Cave.
1- is set in Brighton
2 - is a masterclass in misinformation because it sees the world through a crazy person's POV
 
Thank you Bernard and David

I love Any Human Heart (which is odd, because normally I find William Boyd a bit of an Amis-wannabe - funny but no that funny, brave but not brave enough). AHH is a great book and gets away with both the 'historical person' collisions and the cradle to grave story.

I've not read any Nick Cave. I've always loved his music and worried his books might be crap and tarnish the other, but I'll give it a go. It's on the shelf, somewhere... Dig it out and read with Henry's Dream playing in the background.
 
EDIT: I'm delighted to report I'm not going mad! I HAD already seen the opening paragraph in your Greetings thread!

I'm really glad you cleared that up because I was reading this thinking, "I've definitely heard exactly this before!"

Matt, I think you've got a really strong story here. It sounds very intriguing and definitely something I would pick up at a bookstore.

That being said, a couple of notes. First, who is the main character? You first introduce Jonah, which makes me think it's his story, but you spend an awful lot of time right after that talking about Robert, which made me question that. Might want to make that clearer.

Second, a synopsis does need to include the ending like Bernard stated. Unless of course, your ending is a little cliff hanger that concludes just where your synopsis does, in which case it's good.

I think it's hard to comment on pace without actually reading the book itself. The synopsis reads fine to me, could use some tweaking, but its pace is nice.

Congrats on getting personalized feedback. Means you're really close :)
 
Last edited:
Ah well, it looks like that particular party is pretty much over anyway, so hopefully no harm done.
But thanks for the note.
 
Ah well, it looks like that particular party is pretty much over anyway, so hopefully no harm done.
But thanks for the note.


@Matt are you going to resubmit to that agent? I would if I were you. Edit it again taking whatever feedback you agree with on board and go for it. You've already hooked em now reel them in.

Good luck mate :)
 
Last edited:
Hi

I'm a new boy, so forgive me if I'm being presumptuous..., but I could use some feedback on the synopsis--really, the plot--for the novel that I'm currently sending out to agents. The rejections are flying in so I'm thinking I haven't cracked it this time.

I'm consistently getting good feedback from agents on the style and content (we love the writing, we love the characters) but negative response on the plot (boring/not thrilling/obvious, etc.) so it seems the area I really need to work on is the structure and pacing of my work.

I've pasted in an agent's response so you get the 'we like it, but no' drift, and then I've pasted the synopsis which should give you a sense of the novel's plot, which seems to be the problem area.

Anyway, all feedback welcome... truly.

And thank you.

Sample agent feedback:
Thank you for allowing us to consider THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS. You have created a really interesting story and there is definitely something very intriguing in your premise; there are echoes of THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY in your story and this is really refreshing to see. You also write incredibly well and I effortlessly absorbed your chapters, however at this stage I’m afraid THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS isn’t right for me. I think you could really push the tension by holding back from the reader just how dark and troubled Jonah is until much later. A suggestion would be to have him charming and seemingly open, but then getting spooked by Patty who he sees returning from the garden and running before Robert can stop him. As in THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY it’s the slow introduction of how dark and disturbed Tom is that really hooks the reader and I think you could do this similarly well in your story. I wish you the best of luck with THE PANIC OF CLOSING DOORS and in your writing career.

Synopsis/Plot
The Panic of Closing Doors—Synopsis

One drowsy Sunday, a young man arrives at a house in Brighton and turns the lives of the Brock family upside down. The young man is Jonah, seeking the father he never knew. The father is Robert Brock: middle-class and middle-aged, husband and step-father, reconciled (so he thinks) to the ache of having no children of his own. Robert is both elated and bewildered to discover he has a twenty-one year old son, but Jonah is a spiky, difficult character. He leaves as abruptly as he arrived, his parting gift a reference to some un-named peril facing his mother, Caroline, back in France.

Robert is compelled to seek out his son. The search takes him to Boston, Massachusetts, where he finds Jonah living in squalor with the mother of his unborn child. The more Robert sees of this awkward, spiteful, viciously humorous boy, the less comfortable he feels. The reunion ends with Robert losing his temper and striking Jonah. On top of this, Robert’s absence is causing tension at home and at work.

Citing concern for his mother, Jonah abandons his pregnant partner and manipulates Robert into gifting him a plane ticket to Paris. Robert insists on joining Jonah and they spar the entire journey. On arrival, it appears that Caroline has disappeared from the family home. Jonah fears she may be a suicide risk. As they search for the missing Caroline, Robert is increasingly disturbed by Jonah’s behaviour—he’s a different person every day—and finds himself drawn into his son’s sinister world. Meanwhile, Robert’s wife, Patty, travels to Paris to bring her husband home. Robert’s extended absences cost him his job.

The search for Caroline ends when Roberts realises that everything Jonah has told him is a lie. Caroline is healthy and happy, and Jonah has used Robert to further his own sordid aims. Robert learns of Jonah’s troubled path to manhood: a life punctuated with similar flights of obsessive, destructive fantasy.

Caroline coaxes Jonah back to Normandy while Robert and Patty return to England, wondering if they’ll see Jonah again. Robert doesn’t have to wait long because Jonah has a new vision: his mother and father reunited; the three of them living together in familial harmony. There is no place in Jonah’s plan for Patty and her daughter.

Jonah secretly travels to England where he stalks the Brock family, disrupting their lives and conducting an anonymous hate campaign against Patty. He tries to force Robert and Caroline back together and befriends Robert’s step-daughter, manipulating her to his own ends. For respite, Robert takes his family to Boston to visit Jonah’s ex-girlfriend and the new baby. Jonah follows and forces a physical confrontation before disappearing again.

The Brocks return to England, where Jonah launches a last, desperate attempt to fashion the family he craves. In the final confrontation, Jonah tries to prove an affair between Robert and Caroline. When that fails, Jonah tells Patty how he plans to destroy her daughter. Driven to a moment of temporary insanity, Patty wounds Jonah with a kitchen knife.

We leave the Brock family with Patty recovering in a mental health facility. In the visitors room she issues an ultimatum: Robert must choose between her and Jonah—for the sake of her daughter if nothing else. Rob loves Patty; he’s determined not to abandon his wife and step-daughter. But blood ties bind like no other, and Jonah—who unbeknownst to Patty is waiting outside in the car—can be very persuasive.


The Back Room is open for people who've been here long enough. Houses are opening up soon, for in-depth critiquing and feedback. Stick around for more, and I'm sure you could have plenty to contribute?
 
Last edited:
It does just strike me as a tad blow-by-blow - exact crossings of the Atlantic are not really required - and I think underlining who your main characters are would be good. Then again, you did at least get personalised feedback so it does mean you have something good. Of course the 'this isn't for me' is a real stonewaller of a comment, but it does open other doors for you with other agencies if you do happen to have the material they're looking for :)

Also I've been a member since two days ago so I would hardly call myself a veteran :p
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Passive versus active voice chuckle I just saw posted on Facebook

Query letter success

Back
Top