Request for feedback on synopsis

Passive versus active voice chuckle I just saw posted on Facebook

Query letter success

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Hello Matt... This is indeed a friendly place :)

The Houses will be open shortly (yes, I've said that quite a lot recently, stand by... any moment now...) and that really will be the correct place to get the sort of feedback you are looking for. I'll be making the different clear between CL and the Houses at that point, too. Also, do post an icon of some sort... it humanizes you! :) p.
 
My comments and minor changes (Monique.Golay@gmail.com):

Synopsis/Plot
The Panic of Closing Doors—Synopsis

One drowsy Sunday, a young man arrives at a house in Brighton and turns the lives of the Brock family upside down. The young man is Jonah, seeking his never-known father, Robert Brock: a middle-class and middle-aged husband and step-father, reconciled (so he thinks) to the ache of having no children of his own. Robert is both elated and bewildered to discover he has a twenty-one year old son, but Jonah is both a difficult and spiky character. He leaves as abruptly as he arrived, whose parting stirs up some un-named perils with his mother, Caroline, back in France.

These perils start with Robert compelled to seek out his son. The search takes him to Boston, Massachusetts, where he finds Jonah living in squalor with the mother of his unborn child. The more Robert sees of this awkward, spiteful and viciously humorous boy, the less comfortable he feels. The reunion ends with Robert losing his temper and striking Jonah [Here you could wield in a plot where Jonah becomes very rich and disinherits his father for having hitting him, perhaps in a sequel]. On top of this, Robert’s absence is causing tension at home and at work.

Citing concern for his mother, Jonah abandons his pregnant partner and manipulates Robert into gifting him a plane ticket to Paris. Robert insists on joining Jonah and they spar the entire journey. On arrival, it appears that Caroline has disappeared from the family home. Jonah fears she may be a suicide risk. As they search for the missing Caroline, Robert is increasingly disturbed by Jonah’s behaviour—he’s a different person every day—and finds himself drawn into his son’s sinister world [sinister money world?]. Meanwhile, Robert’s wife, Patty, travels to Paris to bring her husband home. Robert’s extended absences cost him his job.

The search for Caroline ends when Roberts realises that everything Jonah has told him is a lie. Caroline is healthy and happy, and Jonah has used Robert to further his own sordid aims. Robert learns of Jonah’s troubled path to manhood: a life punctuated with similar flights of obsessive, destructive fantasy.

Caroline coaxes Jonah back to Normandy while Robert and Patty return to England, wondering if they’ll see Jonah again. Robert doesn’t have to wait long because Jonah has a new vision: his mother and father reunited; the three of them living together in familial harmony. There is no place in Jonah’s plan for Patty and her daughter.

Jonah secretly travels to England where he stalks the Brock family, disrupting their lives and conducting an anonymous hate campaign against Patty. He tries to force Robert and Caroline back together and befriends Robert’s step-daughter, manipulating her to his own ends. For respite, Robert takes his family to Boston to visit Jonah’s ex-girlfriend and the new baby. Jonah follows and forces a physical confrontation before disappearing again.

The Brocks return to England, where Jonah launches a last, desperate attempt to fashion the family he craves. In the final confrontation, Jonah tries to prove an affair between Robert and Caroline. When that fails, Jonah tells Patty how he plans to destroy her daughter. Driven to a moment of temporary insanity, Patty wounds Jonah with a kitchen knife.

We leave the Brock family with Patty recovering in a mental health facility. In the visitors room she issues an ultimatum: Robert must choose between her and Jonah—for the sake of her daughter if nothing else. Rob loves Patty; he’s determined not to abandon his [second?] wife and step-daughter. But blood ties bind like no other, and Jonah—who unbeknownst to Patty is waiting outside in the car—can be very persuasive [especially that by now, he has made fortune; if you weave money in this relationship-plot, it might give your text a bit more pungency (?)].

Your text sounds good, rather imaginative. I'd relate it to money matters. May I, in turn, offer you to lend me a hand with my synopsis? It’s an other genre, though, as it is of the Young Adult genre. I welcome you to send me your comments to Monique.Golay@gmail.com.


LITE YEER and the Ghost World – Synopsis


Lite Yeer leads a perfectly normal life with her mom and dad until, one night in her seventh year, her grandmother tells her a disturbing story about their 17th century ancestor Roger Jacot-Guillarmod, a Swiss mercenary and also the lover of Queen Sophie Amelia of Denmark. Of a stormy character, Roger throws his tutor out of the window. On hearing this violent act, Lite panics. Will the poor tutor die? Then Roger will go to prison and all his descendants shall be doomed. Determined to save her family, a mere wish brings Lite to year 1651, right in front of her ancestor’s house. On seeing the tutor plummet from a window, she quickly pushes a cart full of hay to cushion his fall and just narrowly saves him. But the problem is that on returning to her days, a relativist process turns Lite into a baby. She will therefore no longer be accepted by her parents and becomes an orphan.

Be it her luck or not, Màrs, a knowledgeable time-sorcerer, learns about this and wants to do something about it. He is worried that the mother-child separation may be traumatic for Lite. He knows that she has two aunts, Bridget and Gretchen Slugger, of whom the latter breastfeeds twenty-three babies. One of these he decides to take and to swap it with Lite so that she may be raised by her mother’s sister. He indeed counts on this relationship to ease the parting between Lite and her mother. He also expects that the Sluggers will not notice the presence of their niece in their nursery – but they discover the scandal and enslave Lite. She must vacuum clean the floors every day, do the gardening and sleep in the dog house. But when she reaches age eleven Màrs returns. Like a ghost he streams out of Lite’s watch and scares everybody. Ignoring the horrified Sluggers, he informs that Lite has the most unusual and extraordinary gift to travel through time and that she is now living her second life.

To the Sluggers’ fury, he also tells her that, if she wishes to escape from her horrible aunts, she can set off for a new adventure to the past. So Lite, whose life with the Sluggers is a nightmare, sets off for the ghost world which is made up of the people whom she resuscitates by going to their era. Thanks to Màrs’s super-cosmic skill in making the clock run backward, she plunges into the dark and dangerous past of the seventeenth century, but this time in a precise and controlled way: without turning once again into a baby. Her relativist powers delight her, but they also frighten her. She wonders not a little about influencing History and the fate of men. Be it Màrs’s enchantment or not, she recognizes her ancestor Roger and, having now become more bellicose, she helps him put London ablaze. By that way, she has him bear the responsibility of the Great Fire of Year 1666, which enriches her grand-mother’s tales. Indeed, eerie as it may seem, happy days don’t make good tales. On the contrary, fires, fights, or crimes are quite something to listen to and go straight to our memory – with the ages passing by, they become gold.

“The Ghost World” actually starts with the consequence of the plot, Lite’s grand-mother’s stories, which she enlivens by journeying through space and time and by turning her ancestor into a legendary figure. And in doing so, not only does she save the world, but also the entire universe from the destructive folly of the greatest dark elf of all time.
 
Thanks, Bernard.

Pinch of salt or not, your feedback tallies almost exactly with another agent response I had, which was: why make Jonah difficult from the start? Instead, make him charming and plausible then slowly bring out his darker side. So you're not the first to suggest that! And I'm aware of the danger of the multi-location, globe-trotting Da Vinci Code style approach, often the refuge of crap writing.

Thanks again, very useful. Any good suggestion re plot and pace, in general? Any useful books? Models? Magic spells?


Jonah is an incubus. Joanna Trollope comes to mind as useful reading; off the top of my head, 'Marrying The Mistress', and 'Other People's Children' in particular.
 
Welcome Monique. Interesting story-line to say the least. Aside from that, what is missing which should be at the start, are the details, genre, and word count which most agents expect in every synopsis or query for that matter. Otherwise very nicely done. ;)
 
Welcome Monique. Interesting story-line to say the least. Aside from that, what is missing which should be at the start, are the details, genre, and word count which most agents expect in every synopsis or query for that matter. Otherwise very nicely done. ;)
Thank you Alister. Tell me about yourself! . . .
 
Thank you Alister. Tell me about yourself! . . .
Oh my, that would take several books, and no-one would believe it! Kiwi, lived in Australia 37 years, 6 months in Scotland, currently in the USA; for 45 -75 more days, future unknown, just finished 7th novel, doing a final edit of novel #4 before self publishing via Lulu shortly. Tomorrow, oh that's another story in itself lol ;)
 
Hi Alistair,
What a life you've had! Congrats on being so very international. I changed a few minor things in your querry I hope you'll appreciate. Of course, they're only suggestions - I'm not a pro, being myself unpublished.
In my text, "The Ghost World", I have both goblins and demons. I make fun of the fact that the Church tried to make the populace believe, in the Middle Ages, that Hell was on the Moon.
Keep in touch with Switzerland, here.
 
Welcome Monique. Interesting story-line to say the least. Aside from that, what is missing which should be at the start, are the details, genre, and word count which most agents expect in every synopsis or query for that matter. Otherwise very nicely done. ;)
Hi Alistair,
I'm quite delighted to have found litopia.com as it gives the occasion to converse with intelligent people in English. I'm not saying that Switzerland lacks intelligent people, but they all speak (a sort of) French, so . . . By the way, I saw your querry to which I made a few minor changes. From what I've understood from submissions, you must have: 1. a querry (in which you give the genre, word count, pitch (no more than 250 characters, a small text you'd find at the back of the book), a short biography and any relevant publishing experience (self-publishing experience or other) 2. a synopsis 3. the 2 or 3 first chapters of your text. I'll paste below one of my (many!) querries (one of my synopses you already know, though I would like to post a second synopsis to see which you may prefer):


Dear [...],

I’m sending you, for your kind consideration, the three first chapters and a synopsis of a text of the Fantasy genre that I have recently completed,

“The Ghost World”,

the first of a series of eight books divided into four parts. The first part is 82’591 words in length and is suitable for girls and boys aged 11 and up, as well as for adults.

Pitch: Do you believe in astromagic? It’s an art that enables you to time travel. One morning in her eleventh year, Lite Yeer meets a mysterious ghost who streams out of her watch, and so begins a magical adventure to the past with the knight Roger, the dwarf Poppa, and some fearsome creatures such as a poltergeist, a dangerous witch, pirates, and Moyo, the greatest dark elf of all times. Moyo is a super spooky bad guywho wants the end of the entire Universe. It is a story full of suspense, surprises, and jokes, and I trust that young and older people will find it both a funny and scary read.

I write because I like the challenge of filling my stories with adventure, humour, and creative plot twists. I have had this book critiqued by the American author William Greenleaf, published a short story in “Le Bulletin Lémanique de Go” and self-published “L’incroyable Monsieur Lynx” which is in the library system and for which 450 copies have been sold (this number does not include the e-books sold on the Amazon site). Several newspaper articles on my work have been released.

My background and education to write this book: I studied and taught physics (classical mechanics) and have a Masters in History from the University of Lausanne, Switzerland. In addition to my Lite Yeer series, I have written a biography on my father, the physicist Marcel J. E. Golay (1902-1989) whose Wikipedia page will give you more information. I’d be very grateful if you wish to see my complete text. Waiting for your reply, I am,

Sincerely Yours
 
Welcome, Monique! I suspect you will get more feedback if you can wait until you get access to the Houses. Stick around and join in, it won't take too long.

I lived in Switzerland for a little while, and have fond memories of the place - the cuisine, criss-crossing Lac Leman on the mouettes, the markets, the mountains. Geneva features heavily in some of my stories.
 
Hi Marc,
Or should I say "Salut Marc"? Do you speak French? Do you once in a while return to Switzerland? What is the Houses? How do I join in? Are you published or are you one of those many poor, vulnerable unpublished authors?
Thanks for your welcoming me.
Keep in touch and à bientôt!
Monique
 
Indeed, salut! I used to speak French quite well, but it has atrophied somewhat.

Yes, I have been back en Suisse a few times since leaving, in fact I took my wife and children to Geneva just last year. It was nice to be back, even if for only a few days. My children were more impressed by the lizards on the Saleve than by the Jet d'Eau, but that's kids for you.

Re the Houses, these are the parts of Litopia where you can submit your work, by genre, for peer criticism and feedback - an extraordinarily valuable process, in my experience. You will need to be an active member of Litopia for a while before you are granted access to the Houses. This is to stop people joining Litopia to get a free critique of their work, and then disappearing without ever contributing anything.

I have had some short stories published, but many more rejected! ... and am now thinking about starting to think about the possibility of a novel, but that scares me a bit.
 
Dear Marc,
Dear Litopia team,

I am not (yet!) in the Houses but am really fighting with what should be my title. I've had "The Ghost World" for the longest of times, but I'm afraid it's too "tarte à la crème". So I've been thinking of:

1. "Lite the Whitch"
2. "Lite the Sorcyair"

See extract below regarding which title to choose. If you prefer "Lite the Whitch", than in my extract, I'll replace "sorcyair" with "whitch". A whitch is a notch higher than a simple third-class witch as a whitch can time travel. So there is the additional time dimension to mere magic (called astromagic):
_________________Extract

‘Lite has bewitched you,’ blurted Captain Rapace. That old man coming out of that pendulum is no more than one of her dangerous phantasmagorias. Be careful of that new kind of wizardry.

‘Oo wizardry,’ repeated Lite, rapturously.

‘Wizardry,’ sneered Jüpiter, and he burst out laughing. ‘What an ignorance! I know what you mean, but you must use the word whizzardry which, like spoox, comes from Old Elvish. Whizzardry is a notch higher than mere third-class wizardry, if you please, because of its additional time dimension.’

‘You’re not going to start again with your lessons?’ squeaked Captain Rapace who lowered his sword to lean on it by way of using a walking stick.

‘You’re not going to start again with your interruptions!’ retorted Jüpiter.

‘Thank you for your theories, professor,’ sighed the captain, looking up to the sky. ‘This is not the right time to turn Lord Guillarmod’s chamber into a classroom. We’ve got better things to do. Tomorrow, we’re burning London.’

‘Just one more word,’ pleaded Jüpiter, showing his index as doctors do. ‘My dear girl, in coming to this age from your times, you now deserve to be called a sorcyair, a word that, as you may have guessed, also finds its origin in Old Elvish. There unfortunately doesn’t exist any whizzardry school where you could learn astro-magic. Well, I perhaps shouldn’t say unfortunately, because if you’d have to name professors such as Màrs, it’d be a disaster. Congratulations, Lite, for reaching this exact day of September the first of year 1666. Not an easy thing to do, especially that Moyo has turned his attention to the Earth’s moon. Had you gone about it the wrong way, Moyo would’ve seen you and sent you to the era of the dinosaurs, the villain!’
______________End of Extract

Thank you for your precious time. Of course, I would like to return any help I get. I quite enjoy giving ideas and improving other authors' texts.

Enjoy the summer
Monique
© Monique Golay 2015
 
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I'm not sure we're doing critiques in open forum so would recommend waiting for access to the Houses (newbies like you and me may have to wait a bit!) but what did strike me reading your extract is that no one 'said' anything - there's rather too much 'blurted', 'repeated', 'sneered', 'squeaked', 'retorted', 'sighed', 'pleaded'. I remember being told that sort of thing puts agents off rather.
 
Hi Alistair,
What a life you've had! Congrats on being so very international. I changed a few minor things in your querry I hope you'll appreciate. Of course, they're only suggestions - I'm not a pro, being myself unpublished.
In my text, "The Ghost World", I have both goblins and demons. I make fun of the fact that the Church tried to make the populace believe, in the Middle Ages, that Hell was on the Moon.
Keep in touch with Switzerland, here.

Hi Monique and welcome!

Whilst I have yet to visit Switzerland it holds a mixed emotion for me. My most memorable and highly talented Mechanics tutor had to relocate to Geneva. The department noticed my grades slipping in the second year. The new tutor had to give me additional private tuition. He was nice but I missed her. Her name just came back to me; Kitt.

And more recently it is the place I lost a friend who fell tragically from a hotel balcony. Nevertheless she loved skiing there with her family and it is still a place I would love to visit one day soon.

Sorry for dampening the discussion...just a few flash backs that even I didn't expect. Words are powerful indeed.
 
I'm not sure we're doing critiques in open forum so would recommend waiting for access to the Houses (newbies like you and me may have to wait a bit!) but what did strike me reading your extract is that no one 'said' anything - there's rather too much 'blurted', 'repeated', 'sneered', 'squeaked', 'retorted', 'sighed', 'pleaded'. I remember being told that sort of thing puts agents off rather.
Could you be more explicit, please?
 
I'm not sure we're doing critiques in open forum so would recommend waiting for access to the Houses (newbies like you and me may have to wait a bit!) but what did strike me reading your extract is that no one 'said' anything - there's rather too much 'blurted', 'repeated', 'sneered', 'squeaked', 'retorted', 'sighed', 'pleaded'. I remember being told that sort of thing puts agents off rather.
Now I get it, thanks for the tip. I'll try to improve.
 
I'm not sure we're doing critiques in open forum so would recommend waiting for access to the Houses (newbies like you and me may have to wait a bit!) but what did strike me reading your extract is that no one 'said' anything - there's rather too much 'blurted', 'repeated', 'sneered', 'squeaked', 'retorted', 'sighed', 'pleaded'. I remember being told that sort of thing puts agents off rather.

I've heard the same thing. Use "said" as much as you can. This way the reader can glance over them and not miss out. Other words distract the reader.
 
I understand you want to avoid cliché, and yes The Ghost World sounds exactly like every sci-fi novel on the used book store sci-fi shelf, but ask yourself whether that's a bad thing. Unless your name is: William Shakespeare; Earnest Hemingway; Jesus (i.e. "the big three"), you're probably not going to lift the entire genre, turn it upside-down, and slam it back into the earth with an offhand grunt of "bam. Mic drop." If the flavor of your book is similar to those beloved eighties sci-fi stories that might sport the name The Ghost World, with a cartoon-ish drawing of astronauts creeping out onto the escarpment of a tropical alien world, use it! Play to your strengths! Make it obvious you are very similar to those beloved old stories.

If, however, your book is way out there in new, unexplored literary territory, and you want to make it even more unidentifiable, then Lite the Whitch or Lite the Sorcyair will do that, but remember with unexplored territory comes risk, and unexplored territory beside unpublished author is not an arithmatic increase; it's a geometric one. It's risk squared.

Hey, there's a book title. Risk Squared. COPYRIGHTED. I see the coffee has taken hold.

Bottom line — you're toying with a bold and risky move that would not be for some. Think about where you fall among them.
 
"Said" and "asked" are invisible to the reader and won't pull him/her out of the story. "Chortled" "laughed" "squeaked" etc., etc., etc. will do that, and you don't want that. You don't want your reader working that hard to picture the action you're trying to give the dialogue, or the sound you're trying to get them to hear. Using those types of words as dialogue tags is lazy writing. It's telling instead of showing. That being said, I've heard the argument that not throwing in a different tag now and then shows a lack of vocabulary. I'm of a mind not to agree with that school of thought. If I want to show off my vocabulary, or the fact that I can use a thesaurus, there are better places to do that in a story. Dialogue should accomplish two things, and two things only. Move the story forward with new and useful information, or show characterization. If you're writing well around it, your readers will see the action and hear the emotion in your character's voice. You won't need to tell it to them.

Example:

"I hate you!" she shouted.

"Well, I don't hate you," he sighed in a sad voice.


I've just told you she's angry and he's sad. The exchange of dialogue is flat and boring. There's no emotion other than those two words, and I didn't give you a chance to feel it along with them. I told you what to feel. This kind of writing distances the reader from the characters.

Here's a different way to do it. More words and more work, but it paints a total picture for the reader that tells much more than the simple, two-dimensional exchange above. It puts them inside the heads of the characters, and lets them feel the emotion along with them:

She balled her hands into fists, struggling to take a full breath. "I hate you!"

The look on his face nearly tore her heart in two. Had she misinterpreted what she'd overheard him say earlier? "Well, I don't hate you." The conviction in that quiet, sad voice told her everything she needed to know.

We have a clearer picture of what's really going on in this exchange, and part of what happened before it. And not a dialogue tag in sight. ;)
 
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"Said" and "asked" are invisible to the reader and won't pull him/her out of the story. "Chortled" "laughed" "squeaked" etc., etc., etc. will do that, and you don't want that. You don't want your reader working that hard to picture the action you're trying to give the dialogue, or the sound you're trying to get them to hear. Using those types of words as dialogue tags is lazy writing. It's telling instead of showing. That being said, I've heard the argument that not throwing in a different tag now and then shows a lack of vocabulary. I'm of a mind not to agree with that school of thought. If I want to show off my vocabulary, or the fact that I can use a thesaurus, there are better places to do that in a story. Dialogue should accomplish two things, and two things only. Move the story forward with new and useful information, or show characterization. If you're writing well around it, your readers will see the action and hear the emotion in your character's voice. You won't need to tell it to them.

Example:

"I hate you!" she shouted.

"Well I don't hate you," he sighed in a sad voice.


I've just told you she's angry and he's sad. The exchange of dialogue is flat and boring. There's no emotion other than those two words, and I didn't give you a chance to feel it along with them. I told you what to feel. This kind of writing distances the reader from the characters.

Here's a different way to do it. More words and more work, but it paints a total picture for the reader that tells much more than the simple, two-dimensional exchange above. It puts them inside the heads of the characters, and lets them feel the emotion along with them:

She balled her hands into fists, struggling to take a full breath. "I hate you!"

The look on his face nearly tore her heart in two. Had she misinterpreted what she'd overheard him say earlier? "Well, I don't hate you." The conviction in that quiet, sad voice told her everything she needed to know.

We have a clearer picture of what's really going on in this exchange, and part of what happened before it. And not a dialogue tag in sight. ;)

Wow. Super impressive examples. I felt like I was actually reading a book!

My thoughts exactly. You can do so much more with the story if you describe the scene and use that to build the tone rather than stating it outright.
 
Wow. Super impressive examples. I felt like I was actually reading a book!

My thoughts exactly. You can do so much more with the story if you describe the scene and use that to build the tone rather than stating it outright.
I know, I was getting ready to grab the Pinot and Ben'n'Jerry's and get all misty-eyed.

What @Tara Rose also illustrates, breezing through and tossing a gem over her shoulder, is that when it works well, it will appear effortless. If it looks like you're having to work really hard, it's a good indication that tweaking something will improve it, and it's generally style rather than story. As far as story goes, it sounds fascinating, @Monique GOLAY.
 
Wow. Super impressive examples. I felt like I was actually reading a book!

My thoughts exactly. You can do so much more with the story if you describe the scene and use that to build the tone rather than stating it outright.

Thanks, Nicole. :) I've actually written long, long passages of dialogue without a tag in sight. I hate them, to be honest. I'll only use them if there's no other way to let the readers know who is speaking. :)
 
I know, I was getting ready to grab the Pinot and Ben'n'Jerry's and get all misty-eyed.

What @Tara Rose also illustrates, breezing through and tossing a gem over her shoulder, is that when it works well, it will appear effortless. If it looks like you're having to work really hard, it's a good indication that tweaking something will improve it, and it's generally style rather than story.

LOL! Thanks, Jason! :D Pinot paired with Ben'n'Jerry's sounds awesome! I may have to steal that for a book. :)
 
Thanks, Nicole. :) I've actually written long, long passages of dialogue without a tag in sight. I hate them, to be honest. I'll only use them if there's no other way to let the readers know who is speaking. :)
I also have problems with narrative tags. Plays don't have any and give, therefore, more immediacy and make the story more dramatic. Hemmingway often does without those narrative tags. So when you read him, you get lost and go back to "John said . . . ah ah ... yes, so it's John, or is it Ann?" Except for Friedrich Dürrenmatt's plays, I usually have a hard time reading them. So writing them . . .
 
I also have problems with narrative tags. Plays don't have any and give, therefore, more immediacy and make the story more dramatic. Hemmingway often does without those narrative tags. So when you read him, you get lost and go back to "John said . . . ah ah ... yes, so it's John, or is it Ann?" Except for Friedrich Dürrenmatt's plays, I usually have a hard time reading them. So writing them . . .

Different animal and all that, but don't screenplays usually have words in brackets describing who is where and doing what? Maybe what you're talking about and what I'm picturing are two different things? *dashes off to Google Hemmingway plays*
 
If, however, your book is way out there in new, unexplored literary territory, and you want to make it even more unidentifiable, then Lite the Whitch or Lite the Sorcyair will do that, but remember with unexplored territory comes risk, and unexplored territory beside unpublished author is not an arithmatic increase; it's a geometric one. It's risk squared.
Hello Jason, thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them. As I weave elements of Fantasy (magic) with science fiction (astromagic is an art that governs stars and planets, and enables you therefore to time travel © Monique Golay :p), I am doing, as they say, a cross genre which is likely to be unexplored territory. But I feel taking such a risk is the only way to come with something original.
 
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Passive versus active voice chuckle I just saw posted on Facebook

Query letter success

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