Imposter syndrome?

[Laura Lee]

Taking trains
pretending somewhere
to go
someone waiting for me.

Might actually be a good anthem for my so-called writing life. While I've been writing more than 50 years and have a fair number of publications, I do feel the imposter syndrome acutely. I'm not young. I don't have a prestigious degree or degrees. I haven't led an exciting life. (Well to me, a true HSP, life is exciting every moment.)

Anyone else ever feel that imposter syndrome?
Laura Lee

 

[Paul Whybrow]

Strangely for me, I find that actual process of creative writing has made me feel more real, giving me an identity that I've shunned for years...for all sorts of negative reasons.

The whole area of self-confidence and bravery is one that intrigues me, for I've known several people who succeeded in doing something against formidable odds—even be awarded for it. There was a WW2 soldier, who drank in my local pub, who'd been decorated for bravery with a Military Medal. He'd stormed a German machine gun post, who'd pinned down his patrol, lobbing mortar rounds at them. His best friend had been killed, and after several hours of crawling around in the mud he'd had enough. He charged the enemy, killing four Nazis with a grenade and his machine gun. He admitted to me, that he didn't know what he was doing and felt terrified the whole time. He didn't consider himself brave, he was just pissed-off with the situation and didn't much care what happened to him anymore, so said "Fuck it!" and steamed in heedless of the consequences.

I think that self-confidence comes from not being afraid of making a fool of yourself.

What really bothers me about the impostor part of being a writer, is contemplating how I'm going to sell myself as an author and my crime novels as thrilling reads. That's going to require me to create an all-singing, all-dancing media creature who's not really like me. I'll be faking that bit. I know that it needs to be done, for after all, no one these days judges any creative work solely on its own worth—the Internet is a snooper's charter—everyone wants to know about your life history, influences, where you live and who is your partner.

It's made me appreciate the world-weary expressions on the faces of authors, actors and musicians, as they're interviewed for the umpteenth time about their latest release. How often can you say how wonderful your new book is, how delighted you are with it, and still look and sound sincere, when you'd rather be back at your keyboard creating a new story? The public face of being what is essentially a sales person is one that's bothered artists for centuries, so I'll be kicking my reclusive self up the arse this autumn, to enter the turmoil that is tweeting, blogging and posting on social media.

 

[Katie-Ellen]

I might feel it when a stranger arrives wanting a reading, and I have to deliver something accurate, meaningful and relevant then and there, and be judged on it. I could easily lose my nerve if I thought about it too hard. But I won't let myself go there or I could paralyse myself. I tell myself to not look down. It is not me doing it. I am not there. I can always take stock afterwards.

I don't believe in 'experts'. I detest sacred cows and arbiters and gatekeepers, full stop. This is liberating. I personally know poets, whom I rate far higher as artists than the current Poet Laureate. I wonder if the poet laureate feels like an imposter, having to deliver to order like a journalist?

 

[Katie-Ellen]

There are things that your mind will tell your heart but it won't tell itself and these sorts of messages often take the form of an anxiety attack.

Brilliantly put.

 

[Emily]

I feel this all the time! I've been a multi-disciplinary artist and writer for years and yet when people ask me what do I do, I go blank and say something inane like, "Errrr, I rescue battery chickens?" because I regularly have an acute dose of Imposter Syndrome. I am not practicing as a homeopath now, but when I did, like you @Katie-Ellen Hazeldine I really had to hold my space and space for another person and my greatest anxiety was that I would lose my nerve and not get what they were telling me in order to prescribe. I think as a HSP, you are feeling and sensing everything on such a heightened level, it's hard to sift through as to what actually resonates as being true to you.

 

[Marc Joan]

Anyone else ever feel that imposter syndrome?
Laura Lee

No, but I frequently feel that everything I have written or will write is tedious effluvium at best. Not an impostor so much as a non-starter wannabe. Heigh-ho, there's always that funny drink with a lizard in to fall back on.

 

[Magicman]

Never feel this way, I say. I'm a writer and I DON'T CARE. I enjoy writing.

I was a lead singer in a musical group that became popular in our area. I was a host on a nation wide Movie and Book review television show. I was labeled by IBM as one of the top three programmers in the world. When I sell my minerals and explain how minerals form, how stupendous mother nature can be in her creations, people ask me if I am a geologist. I say no, I'm an amateur. Not just to geology - to computer programming, acting, music and writing as well. As an acclaimed expert, I knew how little I knew. I will always be an amateur trying to get better.

Enjoy what your doing, take pride in what you have done, strive to be better - knowing you will never be the best, and be happy with who you are.

Laura Lee, you have led an exciting life - as you stated. I don't care if it's high profile, if you found your day to day activities exciting, were proud of the little things accomplished - like finishing the dishes, then I must state again with emphasis - you have led an exciting life.

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Why not just give yourself permission to occupy your own unique space? To be an imposter suggests you're making false claims, you're misrepresenting yourself, you're not the real deal but what IS the real deal, anyway? You don't need anyone's permission to write anything, or their validation of the fact of having written it, published or not. Who has the right to give anyone else that permission or to deny it? Your sense of purpose and your sense of worth, no one can give you or take away.

A dear friend used to say, fame is an empty room. He had published two books and didn't want me to read them because he said they were rubbish.

They weren't. He didn't sell many but so what?

The thing itself, to want to do it for its own sake, that's integrity. Love of the thing, that's all that matters, isn't it.

 

[Emily]

to want to do it for its own sake, that's integrity. Love of the thing, that's all that matters, isn't it.

I think that's the thing that propels any creative person, it's like a life force all of its own, you can't not create. I love every bit of that comment Katie-Ellen

 

[Amber]

Sometimes. Not at this precise moment. It comes and goes -- hopefully in stages.

 

[ChrisLewando]

It's a bit sad to think like that. If you write, you write. In the public eye the only thing that matters is having been published, and how much dosh you make from it, but to be sure there are some pretty poor writers who have'achieved' that as well as some excellent ones. I have more admiration for people who get off their arses and play the game rather than be armchair experts with opinions.... there are a lot of those around. Especially on the internet. Other people will put you down - don't do it to yourself.

 

[Emily]

@Laura Lee , I just read this quote and thought of you! When I'm in my bubble, this is where I'm vibrating, just creating and not giving a hoot about anyone else. I need to try to reinforce my bubble 100% of the time!!
“. . . Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what's inside you, to make your soul grow" (Kurt Vonnegut)

 

[Laura Lee]

Strangely for me, I find that actual process of creative writing has made me feel more real, giving me an identity that I've shunned for years...for all sorts of negative reasons.

The whole area of self-confidence and bravery is one that intrigues me, for I've known several people who succeeded in doing something against formidable odds—even be awarded for it. There was a WW2 soldier, who drank in my local pub, who'd been decorated for bravery with a Military Medal. He'd stormed a German machine gun post, who'd pinned down his patrol, lobbing mortar rounds at them. His best friend had been killed, and after several hours of crawling around in the mud he'd had enough. He charged the enemy, killing four Nazis with a grenade and his machine gun. He admitted to me, that he didn't know what he was doing and felt terrified the whole time. He didn't consider himself brave, he was just pissed-off with the situation and didn't much care what happened to him anymore, so said "Fuck it!" and steamed in heedless of the consequences.

I think that self-confidence comes from not being afraid of making a fool of yourself.

What really bothers me about the impostor part of being a writer, is contemplating how I'm going to sell myself as an author and my crime novels as thrilling reads. That's going to require me to create an all-singing, all-dancing media creature who's not really like me. I'll be faking that bit. I know that it needs to be done, for after all, no one these days judges any creative work solely on its own worth—the Internet is a snooper's charter—everyone wants to know about your life history, influences, where you live and who is your partner.

It's made me appreciate the world-weary expressions on the faces of authors, actors and musicians, as they're interviewed for the umpteenth time about their latest release. How often can you say how wonderful your new book is, how delighted you are with it, and still look and sound sincere, when you'd rather be back at your keyboard creating a new story? The public face of being what is essentially a sales person is one that's bothered artists for centuries, so I'll be kicking my reclusive self up the arse this autumn, to enter the turmoil that is tweeting, blogging and posting on social media.

Love it, thanks! You wrote: I think that self-confidence comes from not being afraid of making a fool of yourself. I'll remember that.

 

[Laura Lee]

I feel this all the time! I've been a multi-disciplinary artist and writer for years and yet when people ask me what do I do, I go blank and say something inane like, "Errrr, I rescue battery chickens?" because I regularly have an acute dose of Imposter Syndrome. I am not practicing as a homeopath now, but when I did, like you @Katie-Ellen Hazeldine I really had to hold my space and space for another person and my greatest anxiety was that I would lose my nerve and not get what they were telling me in order to prescribe. I think as a HSP, you are feeling and sensing everything on such a heightened level, it's hard to sift through as to what actually resonates as being true to you.

Thanks... yes, as an HSp it's hard to know what's me, what's others at times. And I love the "I rescue battery chickens?" response. Thanks a lot.

 

[Laura Lee]

Never feel this way, I say. I'm a writer and I DON'T CARE. I enjoy writing.

I was a lead singer in a musical group that became popular in our area. I was a host on a nation wide Movie and Book review television show. I was labeled by IBM as one of the top three programmers in the world. When I sell my minerals and explain how minerals form, how stupendous mother nature can be in her creations, people ask me if I am a geologist. I say no, I'm an amateur. Not just to geology - to computer programming, acting, music and writing as well. As an acclaimed expert, I knew how little I knew. I will always be an amateur trying to get better.

Enjoy what your doing, take pride in what you have done, strive to be better - knowing you will never be the best, and be happy with who you are.

Laura Lee, you have led an exciting life - as you stated. I don't care if it's high profile, if you found your day to day activities exciting, were proud of the little things accomplished - like finishing the dishes, then I must state again with emphasis - you have led an exciting life.

Thanks! I find my life exciting, fulfilling. Clouds, moon, friends, reading, poetry, teaching, nature. It's all amazing to me.

 

[Laura Lee]

@Laura Lee , I just read this quote and thought of you! When I'm in my bubble, this is where I'm vibrating, just creating and not giving a hoot about anyone else. I need to try to reinforce my bubble 100% of the time!!
“. . . Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what's inside you, to make your soul grow" (Kurt Vonnegut)

Beautiful. Thank you...to make your soul grow.

 

[Laura Lee]

Thanks, folks! I've been back teaching for a new term at the community college. OH MY GOODNESS, I forget sometimes HOW MUCH WORK it is. I love it, though. I am a much better teacher than poet. Maybe because I put so much time and energy into it

 

[Laura Lee]

Why not just give yourself permission to occupy your own unique space? To be an imposter suggests you're making false claims, you're misrepresenting yourself, you're not the real deal but what IS the real deal, anyway? You don't need anyone's permission to write anything, or their validation of the fact of having written it, published or not. Who has the right to give anyone else that permission or to deny it? Your sense of purpose and your sense of worth, no one can give you or take away.

A dear friend used to say, fame is an empty room. He had published two books and didn't want me to read them because he said they were rubbish.

They weren't. He didn't sell many but so what?

The thing itself, to want to do it for its own sake, that's integrity. Love of the thing, that's all that matters, isn't it.

Thank you. Great advice: Why not just give yourself permission to occupy your own unique space?

 

[Laura Lee]

Wait. Since I last posted a few weeks ago, I did have four poems and two short stories published. This after 90 days of submitting, submitting, submitting. I completely discounted this.

 

[Marc Joan]

Wait. Since I last posted a few weeks ago, I did have four poems and two short stories published. This after 90 days of submitting, submitting, submitting. I completely discounted this.

Of course, easy to forget such trivial news! Seriously, congratulations! What & where published?