Grammar Nazi needed

[Quillwitch]

Every so often I realize how badly I suck at grammar, and one sentence can leave me frozen in place. The following is one of those sentences. I'm trying to use it as my opening sentence but I´m having a hard time with the structure. Opinions?

He was being followed, not for the first time.
Someone was following him, not for the first time.
Someone was following him; not for the first time
Someone was following him, and not for the first time.
Someone was following him. Not for the first time.
He was being followed. It was not the first time that he had noticed it.

Or--something in between, or in the words of Monty Python--something completely different.

 

[Bernard Stacey]

I'm no grammatical fascist (though have been known to cringe when people use ’less' instead of 'fewer' and 'me' instead of 'I'...)

However:

3 is definitely wrong as a semi colon can only split a sentence if each half could subsequently stand alone as an independent sentence and the two are somehow linked. Your second half has no verb.

4 I like as I'm as fan of the Oxford comma (the sign of a pedant!) and it flows nicely.

2 is the same but without the 'and' and whilst I believe it is grammatically correct, it doesn't flow nearly as well as 4.

1 and 6 - correct but again staccato rhythm breaking the flow. This might be exactly what you want in the context but the 'he had noticed it' part is superfluous.

5 is, I think, dodgy as the second sentence again has no verb and whilst one sees this a lot in contemporary literature and so is correct by virtue of common usage, it breaks the rhythm. Of course context is everything so if your man was running and out of breath, you might want him. Thinking in. Quick sentences. To mimic his. Breathlessness.

6 - correct but boring. However, this might be fine if it's just a piece of information that you want to get across before moving onto more interesting or relevant stuff.

It hinges on what is happening around him, doesn't it? Is the following or the 'not the first time' the main issue here?
It wasn't the first time he was being followed changes the emphasis.
Then there's show v tell... (These are all tell).
Furtive footsteps behind him once more. He stopped. They stopped. He crossed the street and listened. Was he safe now?

And now for something completely different.

Something snapped inside John. He stopped and spun round and glared at the mocking, empty street.
'I know you're there, you bastard!'
Only silence replied.
'Every night the same. Don't think I can't hear you.'
He strained to listen. Yes - footsteps were approaching. Running. A crescendo patter. Finally a young man in a track suit appeared, waving something at him.
John braced himself for the fight.
'Please, sir,' the would-be assailant panted. 'You'd left your trainers in the gym again.'

 

[Carol Rose]

Number 4

 

[Matnov]

Another vote for 4.

 

[AgentPete]

Y’see, this is what editors are for! I would never give a “perfect” manuscript to a publisher, preferring instead to let them tweak the grammar to their hearts’ content... ‘cos it keeps them away from the important stuff...

 

[Quillwitch]

I'm no grammatical fascist (though have been known to cringe when people use ’less' instead of 'fewer' and 'me' instead of 'I'...)

However:

3 is definitely wrong as a semi colon can only split a sentence if each half could subsequently stand alone as an independent sentence and the two are somehow linked. Your second half has no verb.

4 I like as I'm as fan of the Oxford comma (the sign of a pedant!) and it flows nicely.

2 is the same but without the 'and' and whilst I believe it is grammatically correct, it doesn't flow nearly as well as 4.

1 and 6 - correct but again staccato rhythm breaking the flow. This might be exactly what you want in the context but the 'he had noticed it' part is superfluous.

5 is, I think, dodgy as the second sentence again has no verb and whilst one sees this a lot in contemporary literature and so is correct by virtue of common usage, it breaks the rhythm. Of course context is everything so if your man was running and out of breath, you might want him. Thinking in. Quick sentences. To mimic his. Breathlessness.

6 - correct but boring. However, this might be fine if it's just a piece of information that you want to get across before moving onto more interesting or relevant stuff.

It hinges on what is happening around him, doesn't it? Is the following or the 'not the first time' the main issue here?
It wasn't the first time he was being followed changes the emphasis.
Then there's show v tell... (These are all tell).
Furtive footsteps behind him once more. He stopped. They stopped. He crossed the street and listened. Was he safe now?

And now for something completely different.

Something snapped inside John. He stopped and spun round and glared at the mocking, empty street.
'I know you're there, you bastard!'
Only silence replied.
'Every night the same. Don't think I can't hear you.'
He strained to listen. Yes - footsteps were approaching. Running. A crescendo patter. Finally a young man in a track suit appeared, waving something at him.
John braced himself for the fight.
'Please, sir,' the would-be assailant panted. 'You'd left your trainers in the gym again.'

Wow! That was a great class! Thank you for taking the time to explain it all. Well, you´ve proven what I already knew-- I do suck. I was actually going to go with number 3. So there you have it. I´ll have to pin this somewhere. I like what you say about rhythm and relevance. I must keep that in mind. And your show and tell example is hilarious, and useful! Thank you again, so much. I hope this brings you many house points.

 

[Quillwitch]

Y’see, this is what editors are for! I would never give a “perfect” manuscript to a publisher, preferring instead to let them tweak the grammar to their hearts’ content... ‘cos it keeps them away from the important stuff...

Unfortunately, being the uptight Virgo that i am, i have a live in editor that won´t allow me to make a move unless i´m absolutely sure of what i´m doing. Or, as a friend of mine used to say to me--you´d rather be dead that wrong, wouldn´t you? I do see your point, but what about my heart´s content?

 

[AgentPete]

Yes, totally understand that, first-hand experience. Important, I think, that you have a partner or collaborator of some sort who will check that impulse, because eventually it can seriously throttle your output...

 

[Quillwitch]

Yes, totally understand that, first-hand experience. Important, I think, that you have a partner or collaborator of some sort who will check that impulse, because eventually it can seriously throttle your output...

I know!! That´s the story of my life. But going back to what you were saying, do you mean that people ( agents/publishers) are more interested in investing in creative ideas than in perfect writing?

 

[Peggy Lou]

One more vote for 4.

 

[AgentPete]

do you mean that people ( agents/publishers) are more interested in investing in creative ideas than in perfect writing?

I wouldn’t make a submission with glaring grammatical errors, doesn’t make a good impression.

But what I was talking about was the stage after contract - when you’re writing the entire manuscript. Some writers (a minority) are lucky enough to have editor/publishers who are totally in tune with them. The rest have to put up with editing that is often sub-contracted, often to someone they don’t know and who isn’t particularly interested in their work. I would prefer that sort of editor to occupy themselves with my Ps and Qs, rather than committing wholesale reconstructive surgery, as they are sometimes wont to do. That’s why I would never bother sending in a manuscript that was too perfect...

 

[David Newrick]