Deeply personal writing and reactions of friends and famly?

[DavidM]

Wondering if anyone else struggles with concerns about how close friends and family might react to the deeply personal writing you are doing? As someone whose work is closely related--ok, semi-autobiographical--to my life, I do hold my work very close and worry about how my close relations might react to it.

Thoughts?

 

[CageSage]

All life experiences are fodder for story. All stories have a touch of real life.
If there isn't a good piece of the writer's experience and passion in the story, an expression of the world as it's known, who would read it to experience that connection?

If you want to publish the stories, maybe find a way to say it's not as biographical as they may think. Maybe say it's like method acting, but in story form. 'I know a little about [this], but for the story it was expanded to be much bigger, more meaningful, to include the experiences of others.'
Something like that.
Storytellers are great at expanding on truth, manipulating emotions, even downright lying to get the right effect.

 

[RK Wallis]

I did struggle with that in my memoir, and I did hold back, probably a mistake, but also not obvious to anyone but me and my husband. My family have blinkers on and pretend I'm still able, not disabled. Now I write fantasy, so I don't have that struggle.

 

[KateESal]

I'm writing a memoir, so I definitely have that issue.

I'm aware I need to write fearlessly...at least the first draft. After that, I'll do my best to ensure there's no deliberate meanness or making people look stupid.

In fact, the person who comes out of the whole thing with the most mud sticking is myself.

 

[Steve C]

My book is heavily reliant on personal experience from my youth. At the time I didn't want my mother to know I'd been banged up in Morocco for trying to smuggle a few keys of hash back to England so I lied about why my hair was so short I'd turned from a rocker to a skinhead in a few short weeks. Over the years I did confide in a sibling or two (there are six of us) but then forgot who I'd told and who I hadn't so when I told everyone about the book on one of our monthly Zoom chats some laughed some were surprised/ a little shocked. The thing is time changes/smooths everything. What we hid from our elders in our youth now seems not so important.
PS I am thinking of applying for a licence to grow grass here in Thailand as the government is actively encouraging it as a new export business. Don't times change
PPS I'll let you know when to PM me with your orders

 

[Emily]

PS I am thinking of applying for a licence to grow grass here in Thailand as the government is actively encouraging it as a new export business. Don't times change
PPS I'll let you know when to PM me with your orders

Litfest 2022 in Thailand, woohoo

 

[Steve C]

Litfest 2022 in Thailand, woohoo

Ha. We wouldn't get much writing done but we'd have a good laugh - that's for sure

 

[Jonny]

It's a tricky one, although most advice I have seen (certainly in relation to fiction) says be brave, be bold and be honest.
If semi autobiographical, then that has to be tempered with the feelings of friends and family though, should the plan be for any skeletons to be released from cupboards during the process.
I guess a memoir is different animal again. Some throw caution to the wind and do a full tell-all, then leave a trail of decimation and destruction behind them. One plus side of that approach is there will likely be fewer Christmas presents to buy after publication.

 

[Barbara]

Juts a few thoughts, well questions I want to throw out there ...

Could you fictionalise it completely? Could you tell it just as effectively if it were a fiction novel? Personally, that would always be my first road to take.

Is it important that readers know it's partly based on you? (For some semi-autob it is.)

Do you really want to bear your soul? Once it's out there, it's out there. Writing something as fiction can be just as cathartic for your soul as re-telling reality.

I'm not saying you shouldn't write a semi-autobiographical story, but it might not be worth taking the risk of upsetting friends and family. It might depend on how friends and family will come across in the book. Will some not look so good? They may agree to it now, but when they finally read it, they may not.

Difficult choice. Obvs, I don't know what exactly you'll be sharing in writing and why, Maybe if you think 'why' you're sharing it in book format, you get your answer.

 

[Ancora Imparo]

I reiterate what Barbara says, David – how important is it for the story to be told as a semi-autobiography? Seems to me, you'd be covering a lot of bases by making it fictional, not least in avoiding provoking family arguments about how "that's not quite what happened/how it happened". We all remember things in different ways. And, since we're all human and make mistakes, you may even have misunderstood or misinterpreted some things in your life, too. That won't matter in a fictional account but it would in an autobiography. So, again, it depends how important it is to you that readers know this is a true account of your life – and why? If you feel it's vitally important, go ahead. If not... maybe consider fictionalising it.

You can be as brutal as you like in fiction – and if friends and family make the connection to what you are really talking about, tough – it may drive them mad trying to figure out which "character" portrays them Whereas, even with a semi-autobiographical, you may find yourself self-censoring and thus weakening the story.

And yes, as Barbara says, once it's out there, it's out there. Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[Marko]

Writing as fiction goes some way, but I'm not sure the whole. Even (especially?) in fiction there will be emotions and perspectives and narratives that will take you right out of your closet with the barest of protections.
My novel is a coming of age drama and I purposely wrote the first draft with handbrake firmly disengaged. I think you have to, otherwise the writing will come out stilted and repressed. In my editing, I started getting collywobbles and worrying about what my parents, in particular, would think about it. It's not autobiographical, but there are emotional themes and explicit subjects in it that I still worry might shock them.
I'm looking for a publisher right now, but I've taken the view that if successful I can hide a little behind the editor: they suggested I needed to strengthen the sexual, drug scenes etc. The more difficult question for me will come when I have to decide whether or not to self-publish.
I think everyone has to make their own decision on this, but sometimes you just have to be brave and 'fess up to who you are.

 

[DavidM]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.

I guess I wasn't clear that what I'm working on is fiction but it is fiction that borrows heavily from my life while, at times, moving into the purely fictional (if there is such as thing as "purely" fictional ). However, I'm also finding that even when creating a fictional reality, it's still something that comes from my inner reality and, as I'm writing and rewriting, the story almost becomes as real to me as my objectively "real" reality. Does any of that make sense or am I just lost in my psychotherapist babble?

 

[Steve C]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.

I guess I wasn't clear that what I'm working on is fiction but it is fiction that borrows heavily from my life while, at times, moving into the purely fictional (if there is such as thing as "purely" fictional ). However, I'm also finding that even when creating a fictional reality, it's still something that comes from my inner reality and, as I'm writing and rewriting, the story almost becomes as real to me as my objectively "real" reality. Does any of that make sense or am I just lost in my psychotherapist babble?

It's great you are so into your story. I felt the same writing my book (out on amazon today or tomorrow - Plug ) which I class as a fictional memoir or at least sections of it are as much of it is totally fabricated. By living it I think your writing will show what you are feeling and readers see that and so also identify with it, hopefully!
Don't hold anything back. It can be a separate decision whether to publish under a different name and hide it from those who might take offense.

 

[Barbara]

I'm also finding that even when creating a fictional reality, it's still something that comes from my inner reality

Totally agree. I think most of us are like that. We write what we write because of who we are. I'd never choose to write a romance. I'm at home in the sardonic dark. I tend to think writing is a form of therapy. My first novel was an adult kids book and pretty much every character was (unintentionally) a person from my childhood. I only discovered this fact after I wrote it. One of the characters was a fastidious cuckoo who found fault in everything everyone did and told everyone what to do. Hello, Mum. That novel was a 65K long Freudian slip. I think with our writing, we re-create our inner world, or try to understand out inner world, or give it a voice, or something. Our experience shape us and come back in the writing.

I'm writing and rewriting, the story almost becomes as real to me as my objectively "real" reality. Does any of that make sense or am I just lost in my psychotherapist babble?

Makes total sense, and it's not babble. I'm a (trained and resting) method actor. When I write, I need to internalise the character and the story I'm writing about, and feel them, nearly become them. It's like having an invisible twin, no, not a twin. It's another level of me. I'm currently writing a very dark story touching on human trafficking. My MC (Mia, a victim of child trafficking) is with me all the time, but I have to keep her at bay to a degree. I can't fully let her in as far as I'd like to, or I might end up with problems. It's challenging and disturbing to write her. This kind of topic gets into your bones. I'm having to pause and do something else at regular intervals, or I'll end up walking around with a permanently shell shocked expression on my face. I think authors can get so involved and so deep into our stories, I wouldn't be surprised PTSD could become an issue ... But going deep, (hopefully) makes for a deeper, more cohesive, more realistic story.

I'm finding that the border between my writing and my real life can become blurred, and that I need to actively set and keep the boundaries strong. Are you the same?

I suppose there's a discussion to be had: at what point is something real. Does it have to be physical to be real? Are we living something fully even if it happens only in our heads? I think so. After all, we dream smells, sights, feelings etc. Are they any less real? Where does our reality happen? In our heads? It's a bit like: if a tree falls in a forest does it make a noise if nobody is there to experience it?

There's a book called The Science of Story Telling by Will Storr. I haven't read much of it yet at all, but it seems to touch on that subject.

But now I'm babbling.

 

[jrcampbell]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.

I guess I wasn't clear that what I'm working on is fiction but it is fiction that borrows heavily from my life while, at times, moving into the purely fictional (if there is such as thing as "purely" fictional ). However, I'm also finding that even when creating a fictional reality, it's still something that comes from my inner reality and, as I'm writing and rewriting, the story almost becomes as real to me as my objectively "real" reality. Does any of that make sense or am I just lost in my psychotherapist babble?

You've already received some excellent words of wisdom. My two cents: you're life experiences will always inform your writing to some degree, and should be expected by all readers including friends and family. Those close to you may wonder which elements are fiction and which are real. You should welcome discussions about your work and decide in advance how much you want to share. You can also prepare responses which may leave them thinking you're brilliant, for having taken a grain of truth and creating a "fictional" (but actually true) reality. If they ask, "Where did you come up with that idea?", explain that your muse was dictating vociferously and you were typing as fast as possible, just trying to keep up. For me personally, that has been the case many times - and that's the truth

 

[DavidM]

Totally agree. I think most of us are like that. We write what we write because of who we are. I'd never choose to write a romance. I'm at home in the sardonic dark. I tend to think writing is a form of therapy. My first novel was an adult kids book and pretty much every character was (unintentionally) a person from my childhood. I only discovered this fact after I wrote it. One of the characters was a fastidious cuckoo who found fault in everything everyone did and told everyone what to do. Hello, Mum. That novel was a 65K long Freudian slip. I think with our writing, we re-create our inner world, or try to understand out inner world, or give it a voice, or something. Our experience shape us and come back in the writing.

Makes total sense, and it's not babble. I'm a (trained and resting) method actor. When I write, I need to internalise the character and the story I'm writing about, and feel them, nearly become them. It's like having an invisible twin, no, not a twin. It's another level of me. I'm currently writing a very dark story touching on human trafficking. My MC (Mia, a victim of child trafficking) is with me all the time, but I have to keep her at bay to a degree. I can't fully let her in as far as I'd like to, or I might end up with problems. It's challenging and disturbing to write her. This kind of topic gets into your bones. I'm having to pause and do something else at regular intervals, or I'll end up walking around with a permanently shell shocked expression on my face. I think authors can get so involved and so deep into our stories, I wouldn't be surprised PTSD could become an issue ... But going deep, (hopefully) makes for a deeper, more cohesive, more realistic story.

I'm finding that the border between my writing and my real life can become blurred, and that I need to actively set and keep the boundaries strong. Are you the same?

I suppose there's a discussion to be had: at what point is something real. Does it have to be physical to be real? Are we living something fully even if it happens only in our heads? I think so. After all, we dream smells, sights, feelings etc. Are they any less real? Where does our reality happen? In our heads? It's a bit like: if a tree falls in a forest does it make a noise if nobody is there to experience it?

There's a book called The Science of Story Telling by Will Storr. I haven't read much of it yet at all, but it seems to touch on that subject.

But now I'm babbling.

Nope. Not babbling. In fact, part of my approach to therapy is something called narrative therapy. It is based on the idea that our realities are, in large part, a product of the stories we tell about our lives. So I try to help clients identify their narratives and "rewrite" them so they help more than they hurt. So, I guess, in this way, reality does happen in my clients' heads. I also think this is one reason I'm trying to write more seriously now.

And totally cool that you're an actor. My college career started off (a long time ago) in the theater program of BU's SFAA and, although I left for various reasons, throughout the rest of college I acted in various productions. I'm sure one of the things that helped form me as a psychotherapist was that theater training and acting experience. And when I was teaching I would encourage my counseling students to take an acting class. After all, playing a character involves getting totally in the head of the character which is not that different from what good therapists do. And, of course, writing fiction uses the same sort of skill sets.

I'll have to look for Storr's books. Thanks.

 

[Susana CW]

Juts a few thoughts, well questions I want to throw out there ...

Could you fictionalise it completely? Could you tell it just as effectively if it were a fiction novel? Personally, that would always be my first road to take.

Is it important that readers know it's partly based on you? (For some semi-autob it is.)

Do you really want to bear your soul? Once it's out there, it's out there. Writing something as fiction can be just as cathartic for your soul as re-telling reality.

I'm not saying you shouldn't write a semi-autobiographical story, but it might not be worth taking the risk of upsetting friends and family. It might depend on how friends and family will come across in the book. Will some not look so good? They may agree to it now, but when they finally read it, they may not.

Difficult choice. Obvs, I don't know what exactly you'll be sharing in writing and why, Maybe if you think 'why' you're sharing it in book format, you get your answer.

That's such good advice - I wish I'd read this BEFORE I embarked on two fairly (OK, very) autobiographical accounts. The compulsion to write them though was greater than the need to stay silent. It's a fine line to negotiate but I also read on one twitter thread that one has to write as though one's life depended on it - risking all. That's the only time, I think, my own writing has been any good.

 

[Steve C]

Except for truly exceptional people, our reality is seldom as interesting to others as we think it is. Most times it needs embossing with some fiction and story to hold a reader's attention. On the other hand, I find books that clearly have little of the author in them often seem flat and artificial. They have a fabricated feel to them so I struggle to get emotionally involved.
The mix of personal experience and story can produce a better book especially when starting out as a writer. The thing is not to get too involved with one's own belly button to the exclusion of story. Often our experiences are only back story so should not be front of stage but simply shed light on what we want to say.
Like Barbara I hope I'm not babbling.

....now where was I? Ah Yes - back to my navel

 

[Hannah F]

I write fantasy in mostly imaginary worlds, but my characters and their lives and their worlds become real to me. Somewhere in there are aspects of me and of people I know and have known, but no one can point a finger, sue and say "that's me" because it isn't them. My characters are people or creatures in their own right, and their emotions are very real.

 

[SteveWhy]

Wondering if anyone else struggles with concerns about how close friends and family might react to the deeply personal writing you are doing? As someone whose work is closely related--ok, semi-autobiographical--to my life, I do hold my work very close and worry about how my close relations might react to it.

Thoughts?

Concern about what people you know might think is probably pretty inhibiting as a writer. I think you need some way around it. Either tell them about it, disguise it in the text to give yourself deniability or use a pseudonym.

 

[Katie-Ellen]

If it's a memoir, or clearly semi- autobiographical, and depending on the content, you may need to watch how you go, or risk reaping a whirlwind.

Bad Blood, by Lorna Sage, et al.

If it's fiction...and someone suspects it's them, well, perhaps they will be flattered. But if not, it's all grist to the novelists mill, and let them prove it.

Case in point, if you haven't yet come across this story, look up Val MacDermid, and how like other people, including Johnny Rotten, she was on to Jimmy Savile and based a carefully disguised novel on his character, long before it all came out.

 

[Emily]

I came across this quote, and thought it pertinent here

 

[Hannah F]

I came across this quote, and thought it pertinent here View attachment 8278

Good quote to remember if anyone gives you shit. Just so long as they can't sue you.