Flash Club August Flash Club Contest

[Emily]

Our brilliant and cakelicious @Barbara has once again come up with the inspiration for this month's Flash Club (Thank you!!)

This month you are invited to write a letter to an editor of a prison's 'in house' magazine.

As in:

Dear Independent Inmate Magazine, I really enjoyed your article about industrial sized files which are strong enough to cut through bars. However, you need to do your research. None of them actually were small enough to fit in my my wife 's pants. She couldn't smuggle a single one of them past the guards.


The entry with the most votes on the 31st of August, 2023, will be the winner of an extraordinary hand-crafted (!!) virtual trophy. And, more importantly: some of our very prized, and internationally-renowned, virtual Litopi-cake.


***NOTE!***
A thumbs up/like = 1 vote
"heart-eyes" and a "laughing face" emoji vote = 2 VOTES.



The competition is open to all members. Feel free to enter more than once.


-The main rules here are:

Your entry must be original work

We ask you not to critique

AND

Please make your entry anonymous by clicking the anonymous button, but if you forget, don't worry, that's okay too. (Note: Guardians can see who posts.)


Best of luck!

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Editor,

I’m a recently released ex-con who’s spent most of his adult life committing crimes, getting caught and doing time. I’m now determined to change my life and stay out of prison in the future.

I’ve written a book which I think will help me achieve this and I feel that it will help other ex-cons like me to also stay out of prison for the rest of their lives. I’m hoping you will advertise this book in your prison magazine so that all inmates can be aware of it.

The book is called, ‘How to Avoid the Criminal Justice System’ and covers such subjects as bank robbery, street mugging, shop lifting, fraud, embezzlement and tax avoidance.

As well as current inmates and those recently released, I think it will also appeal to investment consultants, hedge fund managers, stock market traders and politicians.

The book is available from Amazon at a discount price of £52.99 and can also be lifted from the local book store on Saturday afternoons when dozy old Albert is on security duty.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

Best Regards
Mal Capone

 

[Anonymous]

Our brilliant and cakelicious @Barbara has once again come up with the inspiration for this month's Flash Club (Thank you!!)

This month you are invited to write a letter to an editor of a prison's 'in house' magazine.

As in:

Dear Independent Inmate Magazine, I really enjoyed your article about industrial sized files which are strong enough to cut through bars. However, you need to do your research. None of them actually were small enough to fit in my my wife 's pants. She couldn't smuggle a single one of them past the guards.


The entry with the most votes on the 31st of August, 2023, will be the winner of an extraordinary hand-crafted (!!) virtual trophy. And, more importantly: some of our very prized, and internationally-renowned, virtual Litopi-cake.


***NOTE!***
A thumbs up/like = 1 vote
"heart-eyes" and a "laughing face" emoji vote = 2 VOTES.



The competition is open to all members. Feel free to enter more than once.


-The main rules here are:

Your entry must be original work

We ask you not to critique

AND

Please make your entry anonymous by clicking the anonymous button, but if you forget, don't worry, that's okay too. (Note: Guardians can see who posts.)


Best of luck!

Dear Editor,

I am writing in response to your recent article, The Truth About Grand Larceny.

Larceny is NOT 'grand'; it is a serious crime! I would encourage you to retract this scurrilous claim as soon as possible.

Yours,

A. Wally

 

[Anonymous]

Our brilliant and cakelicious @Barbara has once again come up with the inspiration for this month's Flash Club (Thank you!!)

This month you are invited to write a letter to an editor of a prison's 'in house' magazine.

As in:

Dear Independent Inmate Magazine, I really enjoyed your article about industrial sized files which are strong enough to cut through bars. However, you need to do your research. None of them actually were small enough to fit in my my wife 's pants. She couldn't smuggle a single one of them past the guards.


The entry with the most votes on the 31st of August, 2023, will be the winner of an extraordinary hand-crafted (!!) virtual trophy. And, more importantly: some of our very prized, and internationally-renowned, virtual Litopi-cake.


***NOTE!***
A thumbs up/like = 1 vote
"heart-eyes" and a "laughing face" emoji vote = 2 VOTES.



The competition is open to all members. Feel free to enter more than once.


-The main rules here are:

Your entry must be original work

We ask you not to critique

AND

Please make your entry anonymous by clicking the anonymous button, but if you forget, don't worry, that's okay too. (Note: Guardians can see who posts.)


Best of luck!

Dear Editor,

Your August-issue competition, entitled Cell-ebration, is a wonderful concept! I am already buzzing with ideas for how I can improve the decor of my own stark dwelling. I am thinking of a pastel palette with a few accent colours thrown in, like hot pink. Extremely tasteful, don't you agree? I've already ordered some cushions on Amazon

With high hopes,

Yours,

Bruiser (cell #682)

 

[Anonymous]

Our brilliant and cakelicious @Barbara has once again come up with the inspiration for this month's Flash Club (Thank you!!)

This month you are invited to write a letter to an editor of a prison's 'in house' magazine.

As in:

Dear Independent Inmate Magazine, I really enjoyed your article about industrial sized files which are strong enough to cut through bars. However, you need to do your research. None of them actually were small enough to fit in my my wife 's pants. She couldn't smuggle a single one of them past the guards.


The entry with the most votes on the 31st of August, 2023, will be the winner of an extraordinary hand-crafted (!!) virtual trophy. And, more importantly: some of our very prized, and internationally-renowned, virtual Litopi-cake.


***NOTE!***
A thumbs up/like = 1 vote
"heart-eyes" and a "laughing face" emoji vote = 2 VOTES.



The competition is open to all members. Feel free to enter more than once.


-The main rules here are:

Your entry must be original work

We ask you not to critique

AND

Please make your entry anonymous by clicking the anonymous button, but if you forget, don't worry, that's okay too. (Note: Guardians can see who posts.)


Best of luck!

Dear Editor,

Your crossword puzzle from July 3rd contained the following error...

1 down: Flying prisoner? (8)

...the answer could not be 'Jailbird' (as stated in the July 4th issue) as it did not fit with 2 across: Room for a nucleus (4) = 'Cell'. Nor did it fit with 3 across: Goldilocks does time? = 'Porridge'.

Please avoid such mistakes in future issues.

Yours,

A. Pedant

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Editor,

I am wrting to recommend a pastry shop owned and operated by my granny that specializes in the best cakes that hold concealed chisels. Not only are the cakes scrumptous, personally baked by my granny, but the chisels are hardy and handy. My granny would REALLY appreciate you running an article about her services. This would be a personal favor to me.

Yours forever,

Don Vito Corleone

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Editor

Help me escape.

Thanks.

Best Wishes.

Celwin Block

PS. Tell the jurors they don't know shit.

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Editor,

The recent banning of oranges and vegemite has led to a scarcity in pruno. As a result, half of the inmates here have the DTs and can barely get out of bed to go to work. Head cook, Larry, is so shaky from withdrawals he can't even use a kitchen knife. Twenty-seven fights have broken out in just this last week because we don't have that drunken sense of camaraderie which made prison life so tolerable.

Me and the boys are organising a riot to reinstate the pruno, and we can't do this without said oranges and vegemite. Please get the word out in your next issue. We'll need everyone on board to really make a difference.

Yours truly and trembling,
MIN#514278

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Editor

I've started digging.

See you soon.

O. N. Therun

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Sirs,

Following your recent excellent article on great escapes from this most august institution, and the fact that Thursday next will mark the centenary of the last mass breakout, the inmates of B-block will be celebrating the intervening one-hundred years of peace and tranquility with a quiet night of contemplation, gentle chat, and lights-out-early.

Indeed, it will be so quiet and uneventful that some of the guards might even want to take the night off.

Yours,
Big D. Strakshun

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Nick,

I want to thank Clink Magazine for the free seeds in last month's issue. Aunt Mary loves the new herbs. The only problem is I can't get her out of the shed; every time I call her, I see smoke billowing out the cracked window. Please pass on my regards to inmate Holyweed who I believe cultivated the seedlings. Aunt Mary is so relaxed she even forgoes her nightly sherry for a little extra time in the shed.

Yours,
Mary Jane

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Editor,

I’m writing to complain about the draconian stance taken by the authorities in this prison. I’m hoping you will publish this letter in your magazine to highlight the barbaric restrictions I have been subjected to.

We were encouraged to pursue hobbies and interests to enrich our lives, relieve the monotony of long prison sentences and aid in the peaceful running of the prison. However, my suggestion for an absorbing activity has been dismissed without proper discussion and consideration.

My idea was to build a hang glider on the roof. It’s possible to acquire a kit from the internet which includes all materials and a full set of instructions. It would be a basic model with a range of 50 miles on a windy day. This would enable you to reach some remote and beautiful countryside which would have been good for the health and well-being of inmates.

Not only will the authorities not reconsider my idea, they have also blocked all exits to the roof and banned me from accessing the internet.
This infringes my human rights! As well as printing this letter in your magazine, can you please petition the governor on my behalf to lift the restrictions and allow me to pursue this harmless and fulfilling activity?

Yours flightily,
Robin ‘Birdman’ Hawkwind

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Ed,

Why didn’t you publish my letter? Are you stupid? Don’t you know who I am?

It’s terrible, terrible the things that go on inside this place. Even the walls are terrible. And I know walls! I built a great one, maybe the greatest since China. The bigliest for sure.

You are fake news!

Donald J. Trump (President)

 

[Emily]

Congratulations @mickleinapickle for your award winning entry HERE

Well done!!

 

[mickleinapickle]

Congratulations @mickleinapickle for your award winning entry HERE

Well done!!

Thank you. Great fun.

 

[Emily]

Thank you. Great fun.

Congratulations. I'll send the cake over shortly. Maybe a beer too?

 

[mickleinapickle]

Congratulations. I'll send the cake over shortly. Maybe a beer too?

Errr... I'm not supposed to drink in the week, but Friday is the new Saturday when you're retired. So... I'll gladly look forward to both cake and beer. Thank you. My cup runeth over.