Lex Black

Lex Black · Aug 20, 2025

"So, how did you sleep.?"

"I had weird dreams."

"Yeah?"

"I met the Loch Ness monster."

"..."

"She's really sarcastic, and was complaining in this really thick Scots brogue about how people are always interrupting her water yoga. Turns out that's what the rows of humps are."

"..."

Lex Black · Mar 9, 2025

This dark ritual could have been an email.

Lex Black · Dec 21, 2024

My religion is "eat all the desserts."

I'm an unhealthiest.

Lex Black · Dec 3, 2024

It takes a village to raise a child. As the child matures, it comes back to take a town.

Lex Black · Nov 16, 2024

Everything is bad right now. Evil has won.

...
...
...

Here's a song I like. Hope it helps.

Lex Black · Nov 6, 2024

I despair.

Lex Black · Oct 31, 2024

FEAR ME, PUNY MORTALS! THE HALLOWE'EN SEASON DESCENDS, AND I UNLEASH THE GREATEST TERROR HUMANITY CAN...what?...wait, what might happen in a few days?...

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...
...

...uh, carry on, humanity. Happy Hallowe'en.

Lex Black · Oct 30, 2024

Rejected horror movie poster taglines: "A Nightmare on Elm Street":

"If Nancy doesn't wake up screaming...her alarm isn't loud enough."

Lex Black · Oct 27, 2024

I love this time of year. Everyone leaves out pumpkins for me to eat.

Lex Black · Oct 15, 2024

Yesterday, someone asked me if I was a cop, because I "sound like one."

I cannot recall the last time I was so offended.

Lex Black · Sep 13, 2024

It's Friday the 13th, the second holiest day on the Lexish calendar! If you can read this, I'm standing right behind you!

Lex Black · Jul 5, 2024

"I must drink the blood of the innocent!"

"Is Pepsi ok?"

Lex Black · Jun 16, 2024

So, what happens to werebeasts on a half-moon night? Do they only half transform? Or do only half-werebeasts transform?

Lex Black · May 19, 2024

Universal Monster: n. A monster that can be plugged into any type of USB port.

Lex Black · Apr 5, 2024

Due to budget constraints, springtime is cancelled this year.

Lex Black · Jan 2, 2024

Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. New year, same as the old one.

Lex Black · Oct 31, 2023

Who put ClaraBella in the Wych Elm?

ME.

Lex Black · Oct 31, 2023

Happy Hallowe'en, Litopians! I'd wish it to you in person, but if you can see me, it's already too late for you.

Lex Black · Oct 21, 2023

The moon is full. Release the pressure valve.

Lex Black · Oct 20, 2023

New product idea: Doctor Jekyll skin care products: "Show the world your handsome Hyde!"

Lex Black · Oct 19, 2023

It has begun! The 13 Days of Hallowe'en, the holiest days on the Lexish calendar, are finally upon us!

The rivers will run red! The living will envy the dead! And the pants will dance with figs!

...yeah, that tracks.

Lex Black · Oct 19, 2023

There's no rule that says werewolves can't play basketball.

Lex Black · Sep 8, 2023

So, laundry day came and went.

...and returned with reinforcements. Laundry! Laundry everywhere! At the drop of a hat, I put the hat in the laundry!

Lex Black · Jul 5, 2023

Current status: you can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares.

Lex Black · Jul 2, 2023

I found an agent to submit to. In their interests they listed some of my own favorite Horror work they enjoyed, and MSWL'd some esoteric concepts I just happen to work with. I really thought we might be a great fit.

...it took them just over a week to send me their version of generictellwritertopissoff.doc.

How are all of you?

Lex Black · Jun 2, 2023

Lessons I've learned the hard way: don't wear the Infinity Gauntlet and then sing along to the Addams Family theme song.

Lex Black · Jun 1, 2023

If I'd known that Stonehenge would be subject to so much careless damage and outright vandalism, I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of building it.

Lex Black · May 30, 2023

I do love those big books describing scary things. The entry for "Lex Black" is always just a scream that takes up the whole page.

Lex Black · May 11, 2023

There are two wolves inside me. They were delicious.

Lex Black · Apr 18, 2023

I'm going to start a podcast and then immediately lose all the recordings. It will be the first podcast composed of 100% lost episodes.