The Worst Bestselling Books

Inspiring fictional characters—and who do you identify with?

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Paul Whybrow

Full Member
Jun 20, 2015
Cornwall, UK
As an antidote to my Most Beautiful Lines in Literature thread, I thought I'd squirt a little venom around. My ire is prompted by an article from one of my newsletters, which chooses five of the most poorly written top-selling books from history:

http://bestsellers.about.com/od/fic...ce=cn_nl&utm_campaign=entertainment&utm_term=

I agree with two of their choices, the Robert Patterson collaboration and The Celestine Prophecies, both of which were so bad that I wanted to throw them across the room. I could only do this with the Patterson, as I was given the Redfield pile of tosh to read on a transatlantic flight by a friend whose opinion I admired. Like a fool, it was the only reading matter I took and rather than be arrested by an air marshall for clocking a fellow passenger around the head with it, I thrust it into my carry on bag, later donating it to an Atlanta thrift store—where it joined about 20 others on the shelf!

I've never understood the devotion that Ayn Rand's terrible writing inspires, but criticising Jonathan Livingstone Seagull is a bit like knocking a lava lamp as being kitsch—they're both symbolic of a period and mindset.

Patterson's collaborations with guns-for-hire authors mystify and infuriate me, as they read like a poorly worded outline for a novel, being sketchy and with no flesh on the bones. His Alex Cross novels are well written in comparison, so this co-authorship feels like cynical manipulation of a non-judgemental fanbase. At least he's been giving millions away to needy literary causes, so perhaps he has a guilty conscience.

Mind you, it was anger at his poor quality writing, along with one other appalling novel I read at about the same time, which prompted me to write my own, so reading rubbish does have some hidden benefits!

The other book that pissed me off was well-reviewed, but I detested it, as it's ghastly, mawkish and with no trace of empathy or sympathy for the characters. I've seen it described as a black comedy, but it's not that, as it completely lacks any wit or irony.

Michelle Lovric writes as if she hates every one of her characters and her readers too:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7199784-the-book-of-human-skin

I literally hurled this book at the bedroom wall, causing a dent that I'm rather proud of....

What best-selling books do you loathe and detest?
 
I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull and I actually liked it. I thought it was uplifting (geddit?) and a great insperational story. I read it sitting on the edge of a cliff in Ireland, when I was about 14. My big brother gave it to me and he had been given it by a girl from California, which sounded so exotic and sexy, that I thought some of the exoticness would rub off on me if I read the book. She had a dog called bubbles, and I was better suited to her way of mind than my brother, but thats another story.

Altas Shrugged was drivel and Fountainhead, so hard to get excited about the stories.

The Celestine Prophecy was given to me by a girlfriend, I thought it was ok, but too new-agey for me. Be a bit like watching star wars and thinking you could 'use the force' for anything. Needless to say our relationship didn't last so long.

Haven't read any of the others.

I think Dan Brown, apart from being a blatent ripp off merchant (Holy Blood and Holy Grail) is quite a boring writer.



 
I don't know if you can apply the word "bestseller" to Quo Vadis? by Sienkiewicz (it was published in 1896), but it won him a frigging Nobel price and if anyone non-Polish ever read a book by a Polish author, it will usually be this one. And I think it's fucking godauwful. Historical inaccuracies are scandalous (this alone sort of kills it, because it's supposed to be a historical novel, set in Nero's ancient Rome). The characters are made of paper, with the depth and complicity of my cat's litter box. The whole story is. You are an old, treacherous, alcohol-addicted wretch willing to sell your own mother for a night with a prostitute? Become a CHRISTIAN! You will immediately transform into a noble, generous graybeard- even the unsightly pimples on your nose will disappear (no, really, I'm not making this up). Really, such a pity, since we do have fantastic authors, even from the same period, who are completely underappreciated.

I wanted to go grab a coffee, but just thinking about it made my blood pressure jump. Thanks, @Paul Whybrow :D
 
I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull and I actually liked it. I thought it was uplifting (geddit?) and a great insperational story. I read it sitting on the edge of a cliff in Ireland, when I was about 14. My big brother gave it to me and he had been given it by a girl from California, which sounded so exotic and sexy, that I thought some of the exoticness would rub off on me if I read the book. She had a dog called bubbles, and I was better suited to her way of mind than my brother, but thats another story.

Altas Shrugged was drivel and Fountainhead, so hard to get excited about the stories.

The Celestine Prophecy was given to me by a girlfriend, I thought it was ok, but too new-agey for me. Be a bit like watching star wars and thinking you could 'use the force' for anything. Needless to say our relationship didn't last so long.

Haven't read any of the others.

I think Dan Brown, apart from being a blatent ripp off merchant (Holy Blood and Holy Grail) is quite a boring writer.



Maybe I was just too young and didn't "get it".

One thing I think I could add to the list would be extremely complex works of Fantasy. Prime examples for me would be the fourth book in The Song of Ice and Fire. A Feast for Crows is a TERRIBLE book. Other than being a complete departure from what he originally planned to do with the series, it just plods along. Feeling the need to explain every excruciating detail about what happened in King's Landing after the third book is a huge disconnect for me. I've tried to get through it multiple times, but can't seem to read more than a dozen pages at a time before losing interest and putting it back down. So far, it's been over a year since I last picked it up and I doubt I'll ever finish it at this point. The other example would be The Wheel of Time series. I read the first book and was mildly interested (though it seemed not much really happened that drove the main story forward), but wound up losing interest in the second. I can see the general gist of where things are going, but it's taking so long to get there. I might eventually pick the book back up, but I don't think I'll be doing so in the very near future...
 
I should have added anything written by Jeffrey Archer, who is a failed politician and best-selling author, as well as a rogue of the lowest order. Apart from the scandals littering his career, he writes with all of the skill of an illiterate ten-year-old and has a long history of plagiarism.

He even copied a little-known Ernest Hemingway short story, almost word for word, getting paid thousands of pounds for it by the Daily Mail as an exclusive. When his perfidy was exposed, he claimed to have merely been inspired by the story—and refused to return his fee.

I read one of his novels once, and it was so terrible that I sampled another, wondering all of the time 'who reads this shit to make it a bestseller?!' It's said that his manuscripts require teams of editors to knock into readable shape.

We're all told as writers seeking publication, to produce the best work that we can and that a fine quality story will eventually gain readership. This isn't necessary if you're already famous, spinning notoriety into career-enhancing public recognition, and have lots of servile contacts in the publishing world ready to cash-in on your celebrity.
 
I should have added anything written by Jeffrey Archer, who is a failed politician and best-selling author, as well as a rogue of the lowest order. Apart from the scandals littering his career, he writes with all of the skill of an illiterate ten-year-old and has a long history of plagiarism.

He even copied a little-known Ernest Hemingway short story, almost word for word, getting paid thousands of pounds for it by the Daily Mail as an exclusive. When his perfidy was exposed, he claimed to have merely been inspired by the story—and refused to return his fee.

I read one of his novels once, and it was so terrible that I sampled another, wondering all of the time 'who reads this shit to make it a bestseller?!' It's said that his manuscripts require teams of editors to knock into readable shape.

We're all told as writers seeking publication, to produce the best work that we can and that a fine quality story will eventually gain readership. This isn't necessary if you're already famous, spinning notoriety into career-enhancing public recognition, and have lots of servile contacts in the publishing world ready to cash-in on your celebrity.

I never knew that about Jeffrey Archer. But knowing the mans character, truth, honesty and integrity don't seem to be an issue for him. Strange that, I wonder why he went into politics?

Wasn't he the man who paid a prostitute in Victoria station 5K to 'have a holiday' because he felt sorry for her?

So, now, other well published UK politicians.

Edwina Curry
Lembit Opik

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2003/nov/15/featuresreviews.guardianreview12
 
I don't know if you can apply the word "bestseller" to Quo Vadis? by Sienkiewicz (it was published in 1896), but it won him a frigging Nobel price and if anyone non-Polish ever read a book by a Polish author, it will usually be this one. And I think it's fucking godauwful. Historical inaccuracies are scandalous (this alone sort of kills it, because it's supposed to be a historical novel, set in Nero's ancient Rome). The characters are made of paper, with the depth and complicity of my cat's litter box. The whole story is. You are an old, treacherous, alcohol-addicted wretch willing to sell your own mother for a night with a prostitute? Become a CHRISTIAN! You will immediately transform into a noble, generous graybeard- even the unsightly pimples on your nose will disappear (no, really, I'm not making this up). Really, such a pity, since we do have fantastic authors, even from the same period, who are completely underappreciated.

I wanted to go grab a coffee, but just thinking about it made my blood pressure jump. Thanks, @Paul Whybrow :D

Hehehehe. Calmly now, Bluma.
 
Yeah, don't get me started on the GOT series...UGH!
Johnathon Livinstone Seagull came to me at a good time (I think it's one of those books that either does or does not reach you at the right point in life). I read it when I was in high school, in snatches at the home of a family I cleaned for--holding the book in one hand and pushing the vacuum around with the other. I'd found it on the bookshelf while I was dusting and was intrigued...Read The Joy of Sex that way, too...;)
 
I failed to get into Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell. I am sure it can't be bad. I won a bag of new novels as a prize in a story competition and this was one of them. But I just couldn't.

Movie trailer




I tried watching the movie, but felt there was a ton lost in translation. I don't know if the book is similar in the way it portray's the story, but I didn't feel like there was really that much of a point to the whole thing. Now, I haven't read the book, but the movie has kind of turned me off to giving it a try any time soon...
 
Yeah, don't get me started on the GOT series...UGH!
Johnathon Livinstone Seagull came to me at a good time (I think it's one of those books that either does or does not reach you at the right point in life). I read it when I was in high school, in snatches at the home of a family I cleaned for--holding the book in one hand and pushing the vacuum around with the other. I'd found it on the bookshelf while I was dusting and was intrigued...Read The Joy of Sex that way, too...;)

Yes, I wonder would I have the same opinion on the book now, many years later. The Joy of Sex was notable for the pencil illustrations and the man with the beard, thats probably still a good read.
 
Also, there are that kind of books that deserve a special place in hell, that are not only poorly written, but also toxic. They convey harmful messages. I hear that Ayn Rand falls into this category, but I never read her books. In Poland we have a lady who wrote few dozens novels in last few years (she's writing around 3 per year) and you can find everything there: rape apology, fat shaming, demonizing mentally-ill people, "humorous" anecdotes about beating up your spouse/child- because hohohohooo, domestic violence is so much FUN! And she sells literally tousands of copies....
 
Also, there are that kind of books that deserve a special place in hell, that are not only poorly written, but also toxic. They convey harmful messages. I hear that Ayn Rand falls into this category, but I never read her books. In Poland we have a lady who wrote few dozens novels in last few years (she's writing around 3 per year) and you can find everything there: rape apology, fat shaming, demonizing mentally-ill people, "humorous" anecdotes about beating up your spouse/child- because hohohohooo, domestic violence is so much FUN! And she sells literally tousands of copies....

Donald Trump must be a fan.
 
I can't believe no one has mentioned the 50 Shades trilogy, which has sold a gazillion copies. My husband and I were staying in a B and B in Greece and there were only two English language books in the sitting room. The other was The Martian Chronicles. I picked up 50 Shades Something, opened to the middle, and started reading. Either his burning gaze pierced her groin or his piercing gaze burned her groin. I can't remember which way it went. Maybe if I'd started at the beginning ...
 
Also, there are that kind of books that deserve a special place in hell, that are not only poorly written, but also toxic. They convey harmful messages. I hear that Ayn Rand falls into this category, but I never read her books. In Poland we have a lady who wrote few dozens novels in last few years (she's writing around 3 per year) and you can find everything there: rape apology, fat shaming, demonizing mentally-ill people, "humorous" anecdotes about beating up your spouse/child- because hohohohooo, domestic violence is so much FUN! And she sells literally tousands of copies....
Ayn Rand was apparently the 'poster-girl' for the Seattle computer geek generation (which must say something in itself :) She hypocritically preached 'free-love', destroying other people's relationships in the process, yet squealed like a stuck pig when cheated on, herself... Geez!
 
http://bestsellers.about.com/od/fic...ce=cn_nl&utm_campaign=entertainment&utm_term=

I love the story behind book no.2 on that link: 'A few years ago, someone submitted classic novels to literary agents and publishers in an effort to prove that standards had fallen, pointing at the stack of rejections and critical comments on their 'manuscripts' as evidence that modern publishing doesn't know what it's doing.' Hallelujah and Amen to that, brother! :)

A similar thing happened about 25 years ago in the satirical magazine called: 'Punch', here in the UK. The editor decided to send snippets of classic works in to agents & publishers under pseudonyms, pretending them to be from aspiring authors. Almost all of the 'professionals' within the publishing industry were fooled, as I recall. In fact, the excerpt from one A. Hitler's 'Mein Kampf' garnered the greatest praise - without the true author's identity being guessed - with the publisher commenting: 'This shows promise... we should have lunch!' Indeed, the cartoon on the cover of that issue of 'Punch' showed the Fuhrer at his typewriter under the headline: 'Adolf Hitler: Young writer of the year!' Apparently, only one agent/publisher knew their stuff, correctly identifying a direct quote from Beckett. He replied (I'm working from memory here): "It can be quite sage, to 'plage' the written page, but 'plaging' Beckett can only wreck it!" :)
 
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I can't believe no one has mentioned the 50 Shades trilogy, which has sold a gazillion copies. My husband and I were staying in a B and B in Greece and there were only two English language books in the sitting room. The other was The Martian Chronicles. I picked up 50 Shades Something, opened to the middle, and started reading. Either his burning gaze pierced her groin or his piercing gaze burned her groin. I can't remember which way it went. Maybe if I'd started at the beginning ...
I couldn't mention it in good faith, because I haven't read it. Nothing I've heard about it makes me want to read it, though.
 
Read them all. The first was my favorite, to be honest. The second one wrapped up enough loose threads for my taste. The third one wasn't necessary. Me thinks she just pushed to get a trilogy out of the story because it started out as Twilight fanfic. Grateful she didn't push for four books like Twilight. Not enough of a story there to get three, really. Just my opinion, of course. :)
 
And why oh why does it always have to be Tom Hanks ( If not, Tom Cruise) Ugh!
I liked Cloud Atlas, and I like Halle Berry.
Tom Hanks is the second-most lovable human being currently living behind only Michael J. Fox!!

I actually liked Jim Sturgess in Cloud Atlas — it made me think back to him later when introducing a new character, in the last book I wrote.
 
Tom Hanks had me with Bosom Buddies. Also, the fortune telling machine on the Boardwalk is no joke. That thing is creepy, and sometimes it seems to be watching you...

Bluma, my otherwise supremely liberal parents went through an Ayn Rand phase when I was a kid back in the 50s. My mother told me it was for adults and that I'd understand someday... when I actually picked up The Fountainhead, I found it so self-conscious it was laughable, and the philosophy? Is the word puerile?
 
I can't believe no one has mentioned the 50 Shades trilogy, which has sold a gazillion copies. My husband and I were staying in a B and B in Greece and there were only two English language books in the sitting room. The other was The Martian Chronicles. I picked up 50 Shades Something, opened to the middle, and started reading. Either his burning gaze pierced her groin or his piercing gaze burned her groin. I can't remember which way it went. Maybe if I'd started at the beginning ...

LOL!! It´s things like those that make me feel i´m trying too hard to get my writing right.
 
My wife read all three Shades books. Complaining the whole way through. Hated the writing but thought the story was interesting... Hmmm... I've had a serious issue with anything Patricia Cornwall writes. Can't read it at all. Ditto for Patterson. Ditto for Franzen. I mean, life's too short, isn't it>?
st: 27985, member: 257"]Did you see big, because that movie made my eyes rain...[/QUO

--Ok, I´ll give him THAT moive. And his Toy Story character. No more.

--Richard--same thing happened to me with Twilight, only the other way around. The writing wasn´t so bad, since it actually kept me hooked, but the fact that nothing really happens in the story is frustrating. I kept reading because I was sure something big was going to happen.
And all the vampire sparkly shit just irked me but there i was reading on...
 
Tom Hanks had me with Bosom Buddies. Also, the fortune telling machine on the Boardwalk is no joke. That thing is creepy, and sometimes it seems to be watching you...

Bluma, my otherwise supremely liberal parents went through an Ayn Rand phase when I was a kid back in the 50s. My mother told me it was for adults and that I'd understand someday... when I actually picked up The Fountainhead, I found it so self-conscious it was laughable, and the philosophy? Is the word puerile?

A few years ago, I found a Zoltar fortune telling machine at the mall in Oklahoma City...it was very nostalgic/creepy...
 
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