Hello-hello out there in internet land!

[Jdelaney]

Where do I begin...Well I have always been a storyteller ever since I was a kid problem was dyslexia plagued me. At first, I plotted out screenplays enjoying their simplistic nature but found it wasn't fulfilling enough and ventured into novels, short stories and poetry. I've had small pieces published in small contests, a poem and short story but I knew I wanted more. I want to see my stories on bookshelves and that excited glow in people's eyes as they caress the fresh pages eagerly. And so, here I am. I chose Litopia in hopes of finding a community that I can share my work for honest reviews and peers that won't blow sunshine up my derriere like my mother (little joke there) I know that I'm capable my query letter was enough to grab an agent's full attention but my work isn't quite there, and that is where I'm hoping you guys come in. I've added a juicy little promo for you guys to gobble up it's my own piece entitled , The Folly of Death. Enjoy

 

[Paul Whybrow]

Welcome to the Colony, a settlement full of helpful, creative and slightly cracked people.

 

[Bluma Bezbroda]

Oh God, dyslexia... I am sure I have it, although I was never diagnosed (these tests were not very common when I was a kid). I have to re-read everything I write like 3 times in order not to make a fool of myself. And yet, my ability to confuse "breaks" with "brakes" is legendary in my work ("Well B, these kind of brakes will help you stop your car, but they will surely not cause DNA damage!").

 

[KG Christopher]

Welcome JDelaney, are you attempting to eat a small turtle in your profile picture?

 

[KG Christopher]

Welcome JDelaney, are you attempting to eat a small turtle in your profile picture?

 

[Jay Aitch]

Welcome to the Colony, a settlement full of helpful, creative and slightly cracked people.

I object to adverb use there Paul. (And the lack of punctuation here, too). There is no "slightly" about it. We be cracked ... and cracking!

Welcome JDelaney. Welcome to what the Internet was created for.

 

[Emurelda]

Warm welcome from me too.

 

[Emurelda]

Welcome JDelaney, are you attempting to eat a small turtle in your profile picture?

I think it's a frog in need of a sloppy peck.

 

[Boopadoo]

Welcome! No sunshine blowing to be had here... ...until you earn it.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

Welcome!

 

[Jason Byrne]

Welcome to the Colony, JDelaney! I'm right there with you, regarding traditional publishing. My goal is to reach the shelves of bookstores as well!

I loved The Folly of Death — it reminded me exactly of Nathaniel Hawthorne, and I enjoy any chance to chew on some 17-18th century English. You could go a step further and use the weird capitalization rules in use during the 18th century, like:
"Very nearly do I welcome thou phantom Hand for thine Life has all but run its Due."

Now, if you want to exactly recreate late-Renaissance English there a few things you can do!
There's one 'your' in there to snip, which you could replace with 'thy,'
You also want 'thy phantom hand' instead of 'thou.'
Also remember 'thine' is not the archaic mine but yours. My was still 'my,' unless it came before an H (my sorrow of Sorrows / mine Humility moste exceeding)

Finally, the illustration is wonderful! Is it your own sketch? Your knowledge of figure-drawing is exceptional; I can't stop staring at the arm!

I really look forward to talking with you about the Colony. Also, very few frogs are in fact cursed princes. By and large, they're just regular frogs.

 

[Carol Rose]

Welcome!

 

[Jdelaney]

Oh God, dyslexia... I am sure I have it, although I was never diagnosed (these tests were not very common when I was a kid). I have to re-read everything I write like 3 times in order not to make a fool of myself. And yet, my ability to confuse "breaks" with "brakes" is legendary in my work ("Well B, these kind of brakes will help you stop your car, but they will surely not cause DNA damage!").

I hear ya! I re-read and re-write like mad luckily I learned what my typical goofs looked like and taught myself to keep an eye out lol. Dreams over come all when the mind is willing.

 

[Jdelaney]

Welcome to the Colony, JDelaney! I'm right there with you, regarding traditional publishing. My goal is to reach the shelves of bookstores as well!

I loved The Folly of Death — it reminded me exactly of Nathaniel Hawthorne, and I enjoy any chance to chew on some 17-18th century English. You could go a step further and use the weird capitalization rules in use during the 18th century, like:
"Very nearly do I welcome thou phantom Hand for thine Life has all but run its Due."

Now, if you want to exactly recreate late-Renaissance English there a few things you can do!
There's one 'your' in there to snip, which you could replace with 'thy,'
You also want 'thy phantom hand' instead of 'thou.'
Also remember 'thine' is not the archaic mine but yours. My was still 'my,' unless it came before an H (my sorrow of Sorrows / mine Humility moste exceeding)

Finally, the illustration is wonderful! Is it your own sketch? Your knowledge of figure-drawing is exceptional; I can't stop staring at the arm!

I really look forward to talking with you about the Colony. Also, very few frogs are in fact cursed princes. By and large, they're just regular frogs.[/QUOTE

Thank you for your insight I wrote that piece during an English twelve refresher course so the Shakspearian pros were still new. And yes that's my art too I am an avid lover of many forms, but so far drawing is my best form. As for the frog, well I figured I kissed enough A**holes why not something new lol.

 

[Jdelaney]

Welcome JDelaney, are you attempting to eat a small turtle in your profile picture?

No it's a small frog notice his webbed feet and bulging eyes lol.

 

[J. Rook]

Hello Jdelaney, I enjoyed your poem. Is the artwork your own as well? Impressive. Welcome to Litopia.

 

[Jdelaney]

Hello Jdelaney, I enjoyed your poem. Is the artwork your own as well? Impressive. Welcome to Litopia.

Yes the art is mine as well thank you for noticing!

 

[Amber Zade]

Where do I begin...Well I have always been a storyteller ever since I was a kid problem was dyslexia plagued me. At first, I plotted out screenplays enjoying their simplistic nature but found it wasn't fulfilling enough and ventured into novels, short stories and poetry. I've had small pieces published in small contests, a poem and short story but I knew I wanted more. I want to see my stories on bookshelves and that excited glow in people's eyes as they caress the fresh pages eagerly. And so, here I am. I chose Litopia in hopes of finding a community that I can share my work for honest reviews and peers that won't blow sunshine up my derriere like my mother (little joke there) I know that I'm capable my query letter was enough to grab an agent's full attention but my work isn't quite there, and that is where I'm hoping you guys come in. I've added a juicy little promo for you guys to gobble up it's my own piece entitled , The Folly of Death. Enjoy

Never give up.

Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

[Bernard Stacey]

Welcome!
Lovely to see someone posting poetry.
I'm interested that you've largely chosen a mammoth eleven, sometimes twelve-beat line. Heroic verse makes use of the pentameter because that is approximately the amount that one human breath can manage at a time, hexameter at a push. Yours leaves one breathless (perhaps that is the intent?) and I wondered whether halving the line lengths would be useful to help it flow. There are several scansion issues too and a shorter line would make it easier to fix them.
The rhyme scheme seems to vary as well: abab in the first stanza, aabb in the second. Any reason?
Poetry needs to be set somewhere. Your poem gives us no indication of place, no clues as to who the protagonists are. Is the brother a sibling or a form of generic address? Is the 'I' you, or someone else speaking?
The tone of the whole poem is very ethereal, partly because it is too laden with abstractions. It is more telling emotions than showing them, in the poetic sense.
It is also rather too rich in clichés. 'Gone like dust', 'fallen leaves', 'tepid heart', 'sweet sting of sorrow' may all sound very poetic and atmospheric but they are hackneyed phrases and the art of poetry is to invent new uses for words, new expressions, new juxtapositions of conventional ideas.
Lastly, on a purely commercial note, there are virtually no publications (online or otherwise) that accept material written in this medieval/ancient voice. This may of course not be your goal but I thought I'd mention it as it reflects the current tastes.

 

[Sea-shore]

Hello and warm welcome to you!

 

[Lex Black]

Welcome to the Colony!

 

[Jason Byrne]

Thank you for your insight I wrote that piece during an English twelve refresher course so the Shakspearian pros were still new. And yes that's my art too I am an avid lover of many forms, but so far drawing is my best form. As for the frog, well I figured I kissed enough A**holes why not something new lol.

Fair point. And the chances of a positive outcomes are better.

 

[K.J. Simmill]

It's wonderful to meet you.