Hello friends. I'd love a quick read of my blurb.

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Hello fellow litopians. I've been absent for awhile (mostly for the best reason, writing).
I'm putting the finishing touches on a pair of sci-fi short stories and would love some comments on my blurb so far for part 1. (This would be the 'description' for self publishing on Amazon).

It's 13000 words. Near future. About someone putting the finishing touches on a super duper world saving AI that will fix all the problems. But our hero, a friend of the guy about to press go, finds out there is more to whats going on and ends up questioning literally everything. It's about the stress the wizard would experience summoning a god/demon.

---
Roko's Basilisk

The world hangs by a thread. Continual leaps in technology are the only thing staving off sickness and famine.

Thomas Kirby, numb to the onslaught of existential risks, is employed by a floundering simulation company. He endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and fears of unemployment. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

It’s his lucky day. His friend Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher, shares a world-shattering secret. He’s on the cusp of launching a super-intelligent AI, a guardian-angel that promises to usher in a new world order. Only after Thomas teams up with Roko does he reveal the catch: that the preparations to summon this god-like being have not gone unnoticed. Roko has drawn the gaze of the Basilisk, a shadowy power capable of ensuring, or extinguishing humanity’s only chance at survival.

Thomas questions everything as he races to unravel the nature of the threat. Can Roko be trusted to decide our fate? If he’s lying, having become consumed by his creation, he must be stopped. If he’s telling the truth, he will need Thomas’ help to accomplish the most important act ever taken in human history.

Conjuring into existence our own savior.

---
Thanks in advance for any thoughts. I find writing this kind of thing much much more challenging than the actual narrative.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

My first response is: "the world hangs by a thread" is a cliche and probably not how you want to open. I would get to the point of the story quicker. No plot is actually revealed until the third paragraph. And I think it ends punchier if you remove the last line. But I think the emotional connection to the character is good and the plot seems interesting.

 

[Nicole Wilson]

I would like a little more about this shadowy organization, though. You play up Roko as a villain, but I also want to know about Basilisk.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

I would like a little more about this shadowy organization, though. You play up Roko as a villain, but I also want to know about Basilisk.

Thanks!

I can't reveal more. I need it open, it's a central part of the mystery. Is it another government? A corporation? Another AI already in existence? Is it just a persecution fantasy of Roko's?

Basically the story is about Roko explaining his plan to Thomas, then telling him he's being threatened. The rest of the story explores that threat.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

I thought generally one structures these things like this:

In a world. Our hero. Everything changes. Hurdles must be overcome. By taking steps. Or DOOM.

Sounds like I need to trim the ' In a world ' and ' Our Hero ' portions.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

I might be able to say The Basilisk may have a connection to Roko...

 

[Quillwitch]

Sounds more like a novel that a short story. Should a short story be tighter, not so open? This seems like it can really expand.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Well. Part 2 is 33k words and I have an outline for part 3. So it goes on.

But part 1 ends. Definitively. In fact I slam the door on any sequels, which I hope draws in people when they see that somehow I've continued the story.

If anyone is interested in an hour or so sci-fi read let me know and I'll send a copy on.

It's a little heavy on the AI ramifications and philosophy .

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

How about this for working in the Basilisk at the end:

Thomas questions everything as he races to unravel the nature of the threat. Can Roko be trusted to decide our fate? Is he opposed to, or allied with the Basilisk? If he’s lying, having become consumed by his creation, he must be stopped. If he’s telling the truth, he will need Thomas’ help to accomplish the most important act ever taken in human history.

 

[Jason Byrne]

How about this for working in the Basilisk at the end:

Thomas questions everything as he races to unravel the nature of the threat. Can Roko be trusted to decide our fate? Is he opposed to, or allied with the Basilisk? If he’s lying, having become consumed by his creation, he must be stopped. If he’s telling the truth, he will need Thomas’ help to accomplish the most important act ever taken in human history.

I like this, but one thing stands out to me, needing answered — who is Thomas? I mean, if your artificial-intelligence programming, super-intelligent AI guardian-angel summoning buddy starts looking to you as if he might be consumed by his own deity-like creation nay perhaps even allied with a shadowy rogue government/corporation/demonic AI with a name like Basilisk, most of your run-of-the-mill protagonists would just Google the number of the FBI and FCC, and let them try to hash it out with the NSA rather than going on a one-man no-holds-barred-adrenaline-fueled thrill ride to stop him at any cost. Boom. Plot over. It takes a rare sort to pick the latter, and a lot of explaining in your blurb about why that is.

Remember, John McClane is an Everyman, but every man is certainly not an Everyman like John McClane.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Totally fair. He ends up being essentially 'the reader'. He's a mirror to bounce the craziness off of oi we can see how crazy it is.

But a line about WHY he's the only one that can save the day is probably important.

 

[Chase Gamwell]

Overall, I like the blurb, but I did have one major question when reading through it: Is the main conflict supposed to come across as dripping with fantasy? The way it reads, I imagine the story having the same type twist as "Cabin in the Woods". While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it makes me wonder whether the story is actually sci-fi or fantasy. I'd definitely read through it to figure that out, but depending on how everything plays out, there is the potential for disappointment there.

Again, definitely sounds interesting, but those are the thoughts that pop up as I read it. Either way, I wish you the best of luck moving forward!

If you do need a reader for it, I'd be happy to go through it. You can drop me a quick email if you like: gamwelc@gmail.com

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Overall, I like the blurb, but I did have one major question when reading through it: Is the main conflict supposed to come across as dripping with fantasy? The way it reads, I imagine the story having the same type twist as "Cabin in the Woods". While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it makes me wonder whether the story is actually sci-fi or fantasy. I'd definitely read through it to figure that out, but depending on how everything plays out, there is the potential for disappointment there.

Again, definitely sounds interesting, but those are the thoughts that pop up as I read it. Either way, I wish you the best of luck moving forward!

If you do need a reader for it, I'd be happy to go through it. You can drop me a quick email if you like: gamwelc@gmail.com

Thanks. I'll take you up on that.

It's pure sci Fi. But the problem is that when your talking about making something with God like powers the language tilts towards the fantastic as 'activating program' doesn't communicate the weight of the situation. It's much more akin to summoning a god.

 

[Chase Gamwell]

Thanks. I'll take you up on that.

It's pure sci Fi. But the problem is that when your talking about making something with God like powers the language tilts towards the fantastic as 'activating program' doesn't communicate the weight of the situation. It's much more akin to summoning a god.

I totally get that, though it does feel somewhat misleading considering that it is hard scifi. On the other hand, there aren't many technical words that carry as much weight. It's a conundrum...

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

I totally get that, though it does feel somewhat misleading considering that it is hard scifi. On the other hand, there aren't many technical words that carry as much weight. It's a conundrum...

I sent a copy of the story. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Here is an updated blurb. Getting there... but it still doesn't flow quite right. Thanks again everyone for the help!

---
Thomas Kirby is numb to the onslaught of existential risks in the future. Continual leaps in technology are the only thing staving off sickness and famine. Employed by a floundering simulation company Thomas endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and fears of unemployment. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

But today is his lucky day. His friend Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher, shares a world-shattering secret. He’s on the cusp of launching a super-intelligent AI - a guardian-angel that promises to usher in a new world order. But only after Thomas teams up with his ambitious friend does Roko reveal the catch: his preparations to summon this god-like savior have not gone unnoticed. Roko has drawn the gaze of the Basilisk - a shadowy power capable of ensuring, or extinguishing humanity’s only chance at survival.

Thomas questions everything as he races to unravel the threat. Is Roko connected to the Basilisk? Can he be trusted to decide our fate? If Roko is lying, having been consumed by his creation, Thomas is the only one that can stop him. But if Roko is telling the truth, Thomas must have the courage to assist him in the most important act ever taken in human history.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Much shorter, and reveals a bit of the mystery, but dispels with all the 'in a world' and 'our hero' and 'raised stakes'.

Roko's Basilisk:

Launching a super-intelligent AI is not for the faint of heart. Only a madman would plan to conjure his own savior: an unborn god already listening for impure thoughts, waiting to judge you based on the wake you leave in life.

 

[J. Rook]

I sent a copy of the story. Would love to hear your thoughts.
stop him. But if Roko is telling the truth, Thomas must have the courage to assist him in the most important act ever taken in human history.

Beginning the blurb with a strong reference to the MC is a good idea; name plus something that people can latch onto. Possibility: "Simulation programmer Thomas Kirby never thinks about the future; there are more than enough difficulties in his present . . . " I would not bother with "But today is his lucky day."
Basilisk does need a little more explanation. I realise that you intend to keep undefined and shadowy, but just a little more is needed. How is Thomas himself aware of Basilisk?
Phrases with "races" in are best left out.
The ending is good. Just one or two little things: ". . . to decide our [be more impersonal here] fate?" If Roko is lying about . . . [I would leave out "having been consumed by his creation"], Thomas is the only one that [who] can stop . . .".
I so agree with you. Blurbs are an absolute torment to write.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Check out my 'simplified one' above. Better in some ways?

And what about 'salvation is at hand' instead of 'his lucky day'. The luck day thing was bugging me too, lucky day doesn't begin to describe the sea change that would come about with the arrival of a super-intelligence.

 

[J. Rook]

Check out my 'simplified one' above. Better in some ways?
And what about 'salvation is at hand' instead of 'his lucky day'. The luck day thing was bugging me too, lucky day doesn't begin to describe the sea change that would come about with the arrival of a super-intelligence.

"Salvation is at hand" is good, so long as you have established that life in general is pretty intolerable for everyone, which your first para suggests is the case. Considering what may develop later in the story I would even think of making this: "Salvation seems to be at hand."
If it is only Thomas's personal life that is problematic, perhaps something like "A way out of his difficulties appears with . . " or "His long-time but secretive friend . . . shows Thomas a way out of his difficulties . . "
Please don't take my comments as severe criticisms. I like the tone of the blurb very much. It would send me off to look at the story itself.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

"Salvation is at hand" is good, so long as you have established that life in general is pretty intolerable for everyone

Thanks for the help. I've mashed things around a bit more...

---

Short alternate blurb:

Launching a super-intelligent AI is not for the faint of heart. Only a madman would plan to conjure his own savior: an unborn god already listening for impure thoughts, waiting to judge you based on the wake you leave in life.

Long blurb:

Civilization is poised on the edge of technological collapse. Thomas Kirby, employed at a floundering company endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and the fear of losing his job. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

Salvation seems to be at hand. His friend Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher, shares a world-shattering secret. He’s on the cusp of launching a super-intelligent AI - a guardian-angel that promises to usher in a new world order. But only after Thomas teams up with his ambitious friend does Roko reveal the catch: his preparations to summon this god-like savior have not gone unnoticed. Roko has drawn the gaze of the Basilisk - a shadowy power capable of ensuring, or extinguishing humanity’s only chance at survival.

To unravel the threat Thomas will question everything. Is there a connection between Roko and the Basilisk, or can Roko be trusted to control the future? If Roko is lying, Thomas is the only one who can stop him. But if Roko is telling the truth, Thomas must show the courage to assist him in the most important act ever taken in human history.

 

[J. Rook]

Thanks for the help. I've mashed things around a bit more...
is telling the truth, Thomas must show the courage to assist him in the most important act ever taken in human history.

In the short blurb, I would omit "you based on the wake you leave in life." It would be better to be more impersonal.
I would feel better with: "chance of survival." at the end of para 2 of the long blurb. Also possibly: "... can Roko alone be trusted to ...
Otherwise, Yes!!

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Much shorter, and reveals a bit of the mystery, but dispels with all the 'in a world' and 'our hero' and 'raised stakes'.

Roko's Basilisk:

Launching a super-intelligent AI is not for the faint of heart. Only a madman would plan to conjure his own savior: an unborn god already listening for impure thoughts, waiting to judge you based on the wake you leave in life.

GodBot. Terrifying prospect. I say, dis one. Maybe one more sentence along the lines of introducing Roko, Thomas and the stakes.

 

[Patricia D]

Hello fellow litopians. I've been absent for awhile (mostly for the best reason, writing).
I'm putting the finishing touches on a pair of sci-fi short stories and would love some comments on my blurb so far for part 1. (This would be the 'description' for self publishing on Amazon).

It's 13000 words. Near future. About someone putting the finishing touches on a super duper world saving AI that will fix all the problems. But our hero, a friend of the guy about to press go, finds out there is more to whats going on and ends up questioning literally everything. It's about the stress the wizard would experience summoning a god/demon.

---
Roko's Basilisk

The world hangs by a thread. Continual leaps in technology are the only thing staving off sickness and famine.

Thomas Kirby, numb to the onslaught of existential risks, is employed by a floundering simulation company. He endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and fears of unemployment. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

It’s his lucky day. His friend Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher, shares a world-shattering secret. He’s on the cusp of launching a super-intelligent AI, a guardian-angel that promises to usher in a new world order. Only after Thomas teams up with Roko does he reveal the catch: that the preparations to summon this god-like being have not gone unnoticed. Roko has drawn the gaze of the Basilisk, a shadowy power capable of ensuring, or extinguishing humanity’s only chance at survival.

Thomas questions everything as he races to unravel the nature of the threat. Can Roko be trusted to decide our fate? If he’s lying, having become consumed by his creation, he must be stopped. If he’s telling the truth, he will need Thomas’ help to accomplish the most important act ever taken in human history.

Conjuring into existence our own savior.

---
Thanks in advance for any thoughts. I find writing this kind of thing much much more challenging than the actual narrative.

I agree this stuff is agonizing. Here is my opinion:

I'd drop the first two sentences and start with "Thomas Kirby is employed by a floundering (foundering?) simulation company. Numb to the onslaught of existential risks the world is facing, he endures life on the brink. He wants ....

(I think the nightmares contradict the numb and while I understand it's sublimated, that is complex for a blurb. I'd leave them out.)

I think there could be a better transition than "It's his lucky day." The meaning should be more along the line of Everything changes. I like the rest.

Good luck with this.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Medium blurb (removed all trace of the basilisk)

Thomas Kirby endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and the fear of unemployment. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

Salvation seems to be at hand when Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher and friend, sends an urgent message. Before being able to respond Thomas is ambushed by a frantic Roko brandishing a gun and a plea. “Do not let me tell you this story. Kill me right now.”

Launching a super-intelligent AI is not for the faint of heart. Only a madman would plan to conjure his own savior: an unborn god already listening for impure thoughts, waiting to judge you based on the wake you leave in life.

 

[Patricia D]

Medium blurb (removed all trace of the basilisk)

Thomas Kirby endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and the fear of unemployment. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

Salvation seems to be at hand when Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher and friend, sends an urgent message. Before being able to respond Thomas is ambushed by a frantic Roko brandishing a gun and a plea. “Do not let me tell you this story. Kill me right now.”

Launching a super-intelligent AI is not for the faint of heart. Only a madman would plan to conjure his own savior: an unborn god already listening for impure thoughts, waiting to judge you based on the wake you leave in life.

Nice revisions - The only change I'd make is substituting "Before he can respond" for "Before being able to respond" but that's just picking a subjective nit.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Nice revisions - The only change I'd make is substituting "Before he can respond" for "Before being able to respond" but that's just picking a subjective nit.

That cleans up that sentence a bit. Thanks. I'm definitely leaning more towards this version now.

 

[MichaelBlackbourn]

Little phrasing tweaks. I switched around the very end a bit, not sure if it works as well...

--

Thomas Kirby endures life on the brink, plagued by recurring nightmares and the fear of unemployment. He wants nothing more than to provide for his family and bring some stability into their lives.

Salvation seems to be at hand when Roko Kasun, an artificial-intelligence researcher and friend, sends an urgent message. But before Thomas can respond he’s ambushed by a grim Roko brandishing a gun and a plea: “Do not let me tell you this story. Kill me right now.”

Launching a super-intelligent AI is not for the faint of heart. Only a madman would aim to conjure his own savior: an unborn god already listening for impure thoughts, waiting to pass judgement based on the wake left in life.

 

[Patricia D]

I prefer the original version, but this is getting down to small things. Read it aloud - which works better for you?

 

[Richard Sutton]

Here's my two cents: I liked the bit of back-story in the first version. The whole thing reminded me of my favorite Richard Brautigan poem, Machines of Loving Grace. I think killing the paragraph breaks would make it more compelling and easier to read quickly.

 

[Amber Zade]

The story sounds good. I think "that" is used too many times in the fourth paragraph.