Flash Club April Flash Club Contest

[Anonymous]

"Ah, Ted. Yes. Well, you see, when you're eaten by a dragon, a process occurs as your bits pass through its digestive system."

 

[Anonymous]

"I know too much already about dragons' processes – I narrowly escaped being raped by one. Pernille dragged me to her lair 3 pages ago..."

 

[Anonymous]

'Anyway, Ted.' Joss leaned against the fridge freezer. 'Will you pass your bits through my digestive system?'
He ripped his shirt open, popping several buttons.

 

[Anonymous]

Only to find that something had indeed happened to his bits.

 

[Anonymous]

"Oh, my God! What a wimpy bunch of wasters."

Katrina erupted into the room, her lip curled and a chain-saw under her arm.

 

[Anonymous]

The saw bashed the tray she carried in her hands with every step, threatening to spill its contents of freshly baked sourdough and homemade hummus.

 

[Anonymous]

'Oh my god... Hummus!' Ted rushed at her.
'Friggin' love hummus,' Joss agreed. 'Especially the stuff with caramelised onions in.'

 

[Anonymous]

"Hey, remember the last time we had hummus?" Ted tore a piece of bread.
Between chews, Joss said, "I actively try to forget each morning."

 

[Anonymous]

'It wasn't that embarrassing,' Ted laughed.
'Speak for yourself,' Joss snapped. 'I can't set foot in any Marks and Spencers, ever again.'

 

[Anonymous]

Ted had almost got the bread to his mouth, when smoke singed his nose. He stared at it. It had turned to toast.

 

[Anonymous]

"That would be what you meant by the dragon's process, would it?"

"Yeah, looks like it." Katrina nodded, chewing.

 

[Anonymous]

Joss whipped out a pack of Benson and Hedges and pushed one into Ted's mouth. It lit itself.
'My god,' Katrina shrieked. 'You're a Firestarter!'

 

[Anonymous]

"This is f***ing incredible!" Joss stared, thunderstruck.

"I don't know about that," said Ted, laconic as ever, "but it's going to be f***ing inconvenient."

 

[Anonymous]

'Cough,' Katrina said.
Ted coughed. Woompf!
'Perfect, thanks.' Katrina put the toast on her plate with tongs and reached for the butter and marmite.

 

[Anonymous]

"All I want to know," Ted said, "Is how I'm going to eat ice cream."
"Baked Alaska?" Joss suggested. Ted glared at him.
"Not funny."

 

[Anonymous]

'Seriously, though,' Katrina interrupted. 'You could hire yourself out for barbecues.'
'So that's it?' Ted fumed. 'From assassinating partners to assisting garden parties.'

 

[Anonymous]

Joss shrugged. "Hey," he said, "just be happy your head is still secured between your shoulders."
Ted lifted his head. "Oh yea?" his head said.

 

[Anonymous]

"What was the chainsaw for, Katrina?" Joss pointed. "Slice the Baked Alaska?"

"I wanted to recruit you two for a mission. Requiring subtlety and strength."

 

[Anonymous]

'I'm strong alright,' Ted replied. 'I'm in.'
Joss snorted. 'As if I'm subtle.'
Katrina smiled. 'Twenty quid an hour.'
'OK, lass. I'll do subtle.'

 

[Anonymous]

"Let's think now: subtlety and strength. And a chainsaw...?"

 

[Anonymous]

Ted packed his penknife and head torch. Katrina her chainsaw. Joss made them all hummus and marmite butties.
'Right, crew,' said Katrina. 'Job on'.

 

[Anonymous]

"You should have brought a wrist torch," Joss muttered to Ted. "What if your head falls off at a crucial moment?"

 

[Anonymous]

'Well, if my head does fall off, and rolls away, at least the head torch will indicate it's position,' Ted reasoned.

 

[Anonymous]

The armoured, flame-proof van pulled up. The three of them piled in.
'What actually is this mission?' Joss asked through a mouthful of hummus.

 

[Anonymous]

'To deliver an intensification of action and peril, else we lose the reader,' said Katrina.
'Guys, 'I've overdone the hummus.' Ted raised his buttock.

 

[Anonymous]

'Nooooooo!' Joss and Katrina shrieked in unison.
It was as if he'd held a lighter up to a can of Lynx Africa. WHOOSH!

 

[Anonymous]

Luckily, the van doors flew open in the blast. Joss and Katrina in a pall of green stink leapt out.
'Ted!' screamed Katrina.

 

[Anonymous]

The van teetered on the cliff edge, Ted at one end, and a pile of crisps balancing the other.

 

[Anonymous]

Then he saw it. Through the gap that used to be a door. His brother from a dragon mother, wearing those Gucci underpants.

 

[Anonymous]

Ted's sudden recoil dislodged the heavy van's precarious balance. Ted, Joss, Kristina and the vehicle plummeted down the cliff, to the sound of mocking laughter.