My first Blurb ever!

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Emurelda

Basic
Feb 27, 2015
London
Since I am approaching the last 3 chapters of my first draft, I decided to do my own blurb for the book.

So excuse me as this is the first time I am sharing my writing with people other than a close friend.

Here goes...

Title of book one : Noble Beginnings.
Genre : Sci-fi - MG
Words : 30 - 35,000 (approx. when complete)

Blurb:

Sebastian Carter's world turned upside down - twice to be precise. And it didn't flip back right way round either. First his sister is struck dead by a disobedient asteroid, then his professor flings him and his friends into space. Literally. All he wanted was to fit in with his local parkour gang who hated him. But someone had other ideas for his role in the universe and it wasn't another gymnastics class.

Follow Seb and his Noble team on a monolithic adventure of elemental importance. They must discover the saboteur to save the Scenton Alliance and recapture all the lost Elemons before they fall into the wrong hands. Can they save humanity before the Elemons' enigmatic secret is discovered?

Logo for the Elemons Quest series:

elemonsd22ar02a01zk.jpg
 
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Hi Emurelda
Very nice. Minor comments as follows:
1. The tense discrepancy that clashes for me is the past tense in the first 2 sentences being followed by the present tense thereafter [by contrast, I think 'is struck' + 'flings' is fine]. I fI were you, I'd have some kind of present tense in both of the first 2 sentences ['is turned' or 'turns'; 'doesn't'].
2. For me, it needs to be 'back the right way around', but that could be an English vs. American thing?
3. Never come across the word 'parkour'-I had to look it up. Am I shockingly ignorant, or is it rare? If the latter, will it entice readers or lose them? Don't know the answer to this one.
4. 'monolithic' doesn't seem to be the right word to use here, IMHO; others may disagree.
5. The second-last sentence doesn't quite work for me. Not sure why. Perhaps consider changing to something like 'they must stop a mystery saboteur from bringing down the Scenton Alliance'.
But overall, it's good, it tells you genre and audience very clearly, as does the logo.
Hope this helps.
 
Thanks Marc - very helpful.

1. Tense: Yes, I see what you mean. Will look at that.
2. You know what...I was playing with this for ages...my aim for that sentence was to keep it as short as possible and chopped off the 'the'. [Am from UK too :D]. Still needs work.
3. Parkour: No, you're not ignorant on the parkour ...even the word processor doesn't recognise it :D... you're in good company. It did cross my mind about it alienating maybe the older generation more so than the younger...although it is something that is relatively 'new'. In the years of research I have had creating games for children, kids love it when adults don't 'get it '. ;)
4. Monlithic adjective: I purposefully used the word 'monolithic' because of the Monolith element (excuse the pun) in the novel.
5. Me too...doesn't sit well...too long or something. Just not quite there yet.

Thank you.
 
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You're welcome. Hopefully you can do the same for me one day, though unfortunately I have some way to go before I need to do a blurb!
 
First paragraph in present tense:

Sebastian Carter's world turns upside down - twice to be precise. And it doesn't flip back right way round either. First his sister is struck dead by a disobedient asteroid, then his professor flings him and his friends into space. Literally. All he wants is to fit in with his local parkour gang who hate him. But someone has other ideas for his role in the universe and it’s not another gymnastics class.
 
Generally agree with Marc, as for "monolithic", what about 'enduring'?
 
Generally agree with Marc, as for "monolithic", what about 'enduring'?

Yeah...but monolithic reflects the scale of the adventure whilst 'enduring' reflects the time. Monolithic is also a key word like 'elemental' purposefully used to hint to the content of the story. A great adventure is synonym with 'monolithic' one no?...ok monumental what about that...let's compromise :D

A monumental adventure.

That might be better.
 
So first sentence of second paragraph to change to this now:

Follow Seb and his Noble team on a monumental adventure of elemental importance.


(Getting there...thanks! :))
 
You are definitely right to change - monolithic doesn't work: it means like a large single stone. The adventure is not like a large single stone! It might make sense to you, but it doesn't to someone who hasn't read the book, and the blurb is aimed at people who haven't read the book. Monumental just about works, though used as an adjective like this it is more associated with negative outcomes (a monumental cockup, say) than positives.
 
That's an interesting perspective. I admit to only having heard 'monumental' being used in the awesome sense. But then I would wouldn't I. ;)

But certainly never in the negative sense. I can't find it used negatively in the dictionary either e.g. "it's been a monumental effort". Plus I guess it works both ways as there are some negative outcomes in the adventure too.

And yes indeed...monolithic was more of an insider understanding. I realise that now.
 
So first sentence of second paragraph to change to this now:

Follow Seb and his Noble team on a monumental adventure of elemental importance.

(Getting there...thanks! :))

I wouldn't do that: monumental + elemental = too mental!
Perhaps replace monumental with something...prodigious? extraordinary? stupendous? cosmic?
 
:D lol!

That reminds me of my other logo....

elementalsd29br00ap13zk-grant2.jpg



yes..something subliminal is creeping in..will avoid the mental business.
 
I agree with what the others have said, but am wondering why Noble is capitalized.

I would also add some commas:

fit in with his local parkour gang who hated him. But someone had other ideas for his role in the universe and it wasn't another gymnastics class.

The sentences should read, "fit in with his local parkour gang, who hate him. . . . his role in the universe, and it wasn't another gymnastics class."

twice to be precise

The sentence should read, "twice, to be precise."

I would also use words other than "All he wanted was" and "it wasn't." For the first one, try "He only wanted to. . .", and for the second, use an active verb.
 
Thanks @Meerkat for that...forgot about the commas.
Noble is capitalised because it's the name of the team (group 8 of the periodic table is the Noble gases which they are named after....or their Scenton is)
 
:D lol!

That reminds me of my other logo....
.

Interesting; what's all this about games? I Googled 'Elementals-mental about games', but didn't find anything obviously relevant [though admittedly I only skimmed over the first few results]. Also, your post above suggests you have a science background-is that right?
 
@Marc Joan - I pulled the games sites down whilst I finished this novel. I am working on bringing the elements to life as a Elemons through a narrative quest with kids exploring the universe and discovering their powers. Am guilty of being a physics graduate. Teaching science was one of my experiences (amongst other fields like game design :)). I have self-published and tested the first game which will go hand in hand with book 1.
 
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Overall, I think the book sounds fascinating. Let us know when it's out.

Thank you. My heart skips a beat at the mere thought of a possibility of the book being unleashed into the world. But your certainty that it will be only a matter of time is super duper fabuloso. :) Grateful.
 
Par Cours -- right?
I think everyone had plenty of comments. I'd only have written it in present tense to heighten the punch and make the action immediate. Best wishes for a great launch!

:D Thx. And yes it originates from France. Although I was introduced to the concept via Minecraft gaming.
 
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