From the workplace to romance to friends, everything you
need to know about rejection ; and how to move on from it
suffering major and minor rebuffs throughout our lives, every
Rejection is an inevitable part of the human experience, but despite
time it happens still feels painful. From the first “no thanks” from
someone you fancy at school to the kick in the stomach of a “we
have decided to move forward with another candidate” letter, every
rejection dents our ego.
Humans are hardwired to crave acceptance. “It’s in our blood,” says Hilda
Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and author. In early human
societies, she explains, “to be rejected by your community would have posed
a serious threat, as individuals did not have the resources to survive alone.
We are pack animals.”
Madeleine Jago, principal clinical psychologist and co-founder of Seven Lion
Yard, says: “The brain processes rejection using the same neural pathways as
physical pain, which may explain why rejection feels so sharp and lasting on
a psychological level.”
Rejection can also alter our behaviour, creating a negative self-fulfilling
prophecy, explains Jago. “Believing you’re unworthy or that future rejection
is inevitable leads to avoidance behaviours, such as withdrawing from social
situations or not pursuing new opportunities, reinforcing the fears you
have.”
So how do we cope with knockbacks and get back out there? A team of
psychologists, behavioural scientists and specialists share their advice on
how to manage rejection in every area of life.
Workplace woes
With the worldwide unemployment rate set to increase and UK job vacancies
falling, the reality is that more of us are applying for fewer jobs.
Rejection is an inevitable part of the recruitment process, says Louise
Campbell, manager of the careers network at University College Dublin
Michael Smurfit Graduate School of Business, “so prepare for it.”
Modern recruitment has seen automated systems eliminate any subjective
human perspective, overlooking some candidates’ personal skills. This
creates a dehumanising environment for jobseekers who have spent hours
crafting a covering letter, only to receive a rejection email minutes later.
“Stay stoic!” Campbell coaches. The key, she says, is to focus on what is in
your control, particularly your response. Each time you get rejected, take
care to actively detach your pride from external outcomes. “Change: ‘I failed,
I’m not good enough’ to: ‘This isn’t a reflection of my worth or abilities. It’s
an opportunity to reassess, strengthen skills, and find a role that aligns better
with my values.’
It is important to avoid the trap of attaching
your ego to career opportunities. It
compromises our confidence and resilience
“You are not defined by whether you are offered a specific job,” Campbell
says. “It simply means the opportunity was not the right fit at this time. Your
value extends beyond any single outcome in the job search process.” Kate
Quinn, MBA career consultant at Trinity College Dublin’s business school,
agrees: “It is important to avoid the trap of attaching your ego to career
opportunities. It compromises our confidence and resilience, ultimately
weakening essential coping mechanisms.”
So how best to avoid falling into this trap? “Build a rejection toolkit,” Quinn
advises, which could include practising gratitude by reflecting on
achievements in your career or personal life. “Support this with mindful
activities, journalling and meditation to process challenging emotions.”
External context is also overlooked, she adds. “I have seen candidates
experience ghosting after an interview, only to find the role was halted due
to a hiring freeze, or filled by an internal employee.” Being aware of these
factors can help to mitigate disappointment.
Spurned in love
“When it comes to being rejected in matters of the heart, it’s common to
replay the moment: ‘Why wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong?’,” says Dr
Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of the Chelsea
Psychology Clinic. Being dumped, unreciprocated feelings or parting after
years of shared life can be devastating. “The truth is rejection is rarely about
personal inadequacy. People’s feelings, choices and circumstances are deeply
complex, and rejection often reflects those factors rather than you as a
person.”
Allow yourself to grieve – it’s OK to feel sad, disappointed, angry. “Lean into
those emotions but don’t let them define you.” Therapy, journalling or
speaking to trusted friends will help ease the pain, and focusing on personal
development and activities that make you happy, adds Touroni.
“For those who have experienced rejection after a long-term relationship or
divorce, the journey is more challenging. Time is your ally, healing will come
through patience, self-reflection and support. While it can feel impossible at
first, life will find ways to move forward – and so will you.”
Reminding yourself you can choose how you respond is central, says
psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner. “Shift your mindset. Rather than
seeing ourselves as the recipient of someone else’s decisions, review the
situation. Even if things didn’t work out, how can you make new choices?
How would you like to act differently in future?” Focus on your values,
Skinner adds: “Make a list of your interests and passions, then plan practical
steps to move towards those dreams. If your dream is to qualify in a new
skill, join a class or buy an introductory book,” she says. In time, life unfurls
again and you will move on with a greater sense of self and identity.
Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine.
Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the
must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend.
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. We use Google reCaptcha to protect our website and the
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Google and apply.
Most viewed
As trust in the US collapses,
leaders in Australia and
around the world are
frantically recalibrating
Julianne Schultz
Israel strikes southern
Lebanon amid calls for halt
to ‘endless war’
I’m the Canadian who was
detained by Ice for two
weeks. It felt like I had been
kidnapped
The Trump administration
is descending into
authoritarianism
Trump revokes security
clearances for Biden, Harris
and other political enemies
Set styling: Hattie Newman.
Photograph: Sun Lee/The Guardian
Most viewed
Are the kids all right?
Our inner critic begins to develop at around 10 years old, according to the UK
confidence index, compiled by Arden University in Coventry. Building
resilience and supporting children and teenagers to manage their self-esteem
is crucial to helping them cope with rejection. Avoid minimising statements
such as, “You’ll get over it”, says Prof Gail Steptoe-Warren, head of
psychology at Arden. Instead, ask kids to share their thoughts without fear of
judgment, to help them process their feelings.
Encourage children to talk more openly, says Dr Sophie Ward, deputy head of
the psychology school at Arden. “Ask open-ended questions, such as ‘Tell me
about your day?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’, and don’t judge or interrupt. It’s
important you provide a safe environment to talk. Validating feelings lets
youngsters know their emotions are normal, which will aid their mental
wellbeing and social development.” Learning to speak to themselves kindly
is a tool young people can use to replace unhealthy negative thoughts with
positive ones, Ward explains. “Help a child recognise when they use hostile
thinking styles, catastrophising or using words like ‘should’ or ‘must’, and
change their thinking. Instead of, ‘I lost the race. I failed’, encourage them to
think, ‘I may have lost, which is disappointing, but I can learn from it, try
again and hopefully do better next time.’”
Encourage children to push themselves, try
new things and take on challenges, even if they
feel intimidating
There will be situations where a child may never achieve something others
will, but shielding them from this will not help them build resilience,
explains Katia Vlachos, life coach and author of Uncaged: A Good Girl’s
Journey to Reinvention. “It’s natural to want to protect kids from more hurt;
instead, gently nudge them to take small steps forward, like inviting a friend
over, going to another try-out, or joining a new club. Celebrate their efforts,
not only outcomes, and remind them: ‘You’re not defined by one moment.
Keep going – you’re building something stronger.’”
You can also increase their confidence by reminding them that it is a normal
part of life to make mistakes, that it helps them grow. Steptoe-Warren adds:
“Motivate your child to write a list of their favourite things about themselves
and their achievements, to show them how capable they are when their self-
esteem gets knocked or their inner critic gets too loud. Encourage children to
push themselves, try new things and take on challenges, even if they feel
intimidating. Each success outside their comfort zone will build their
confidence.”
Socially snubbed
Ghosting or exclusion from being invited on a night out or a holiday can feel
like a bitter betrayal, especially in close friendships. But, says Vlachos, avoid
spiralling into assumptions and instead reach out to express your feelings.
Try saying something like: “I’ve noticed some distance between us. Is there
something I’ve done?” And accept the outcome, adds Vlachos. “Even if
silence is the response. If your friend reassures you that nothing’s wrong but
then goes on to repeat the same pattern, then maybe it’s time to move on.
Sometimes, silence is your closure, and it’s OK to grieve the loss while
honouring what the friendship meant to you.”
Shame is the most common response to rejection, says Touroni. It can lead
us to believe there is something inherently wrong with us. Shame festers in
silence but can be shaken off when shared. Leigh Norén, sex therapist and
coach says: “It is important to feel rejection. Just as we can’t get rid of
sadness by shouting, or pretending we’re happy, neither can we get rid of
shame. Acknowledge it. Notice where you feel it in your body. Label it, then
sit with these feelings – you’ll feel them subside naturally.”
When ghosted or excluded, resist the urge to make assumptions or
internalise blame. “Instead, focus on what this reveals about the relationship
by asking: ‘Is this the kind of friendship I need or want to invest in?’,” says
Vlachos. “That way, in future you’re more likely to attract friendships that
align with your values.” Rejection isn’t the final chapter; it’s an invitation to
rewrite your story with more clarity and strength. As Vlachos says:
“Rejection becomes less about loss and more about growth, a catalyst for
becoming the truest version of ourselves.”
Explore more on these topics
Health & wellbeing Relationships Friendship Work & careers Mental health
Health Parents and parenting features
Share Reuse this content
need to know about rejection ; and how to move on from it
suffering major and minor rebuffs throughout our lives, every
Rejection is an inevitable part of the human experience, but despite
time it happens still feels painful. From the first “no thanks” from
someone you fancy at school to the kick in the stomach of a “we
have decided to move forward with another candidate” letter, every
rejection dents our ego.
Humans are hardwired to crave acceptance. “It’s in our blood,” says Hilda
Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and author. In early human
societies, she explains, “to be rejected by your community would have posed
a serious threat, as individuals did not have the resources to survive alone.
We are pack animals.”
Madeleine Jago, principal clinical psychologist and co-founder of Seven Lion
Yard, says: “The brain processes rejection using the same neural pathways as
physical pain, which may explain why rejection feels so sharp and lasting on
a psychological level.”
Rejection can also alter our behaviour, creating a negative self-fulfilling
prophecy, explains Jago. “Believing you’re unworthy or that future rejection
is inevitable leads to avoidance behaviours, such as withdrawing from social
situations or not pursuing new opportunities, reinforcing the fears you
have.”
So how do we cope with knockbacks and get back out there? A team of
psychologists, behavioural scientists and specialists share their advice on
how to manage rejection in every area of life.
Workplace woes
With the worldwide unemployment rate set to increase and UK job vacancies
falling, the reality is that more of us are applying for fewer jobs.
Rejection is an inevitable part of the recruitment process, says Louise
Campbell, manager of the careers network at University College Dublin
Michael Smurfit Graduate School of Business, “so prepare for it.”
Modern recruitment has seen automated systems eliminate any subjective
human perspective, overlooking some candidates’ personal skills. This
creates a dehumanising environment for jobseekers who have spent hours
crafting a covering letter, only to receive a rejection email minutes later.
“Stay stoic!” Campbell coaches. The key, she says, is to focus on what is in
your control, particularly your response. Each time you get rejected, take
care to actively detach your pride from external outcomes. “Change: ‘I failed,
I’m not good enough’ to: ‘This isn’t a reflection of my worth or abilities. It’s
an opportunity to reassess, strengthen skills, and find a role that aligns better
with my values.’
It is important to avoid the trap of attaching
your ego to career opportunities. It
compromises our confidence and resilience
“You are not defined by whether you are offered a specific job,” Campbell
says. “It simply means the opportunity was not the right fit at this time. Your
value extends beyond any single outcome in the job search process.” Kate
Quinn, MBA career consultant at Trinity College Dublin’s business school,
agrees: “It is important to avoid the trap of attaching your ego to career
opportunities. It compromises our confidence and resilience, ultimately
weakening essential coping mechanisms.”
So how best to avoid falling into this trap? “Build a rejection toolkit,” Quinn
advises, which could include practising gratitude by reflecting on
achievements in your career or personal life. “Support this with mindful
activities, journalling and meditation to process challenging emotions.”
External context is also overlooked, she adds. “I have seen candidates
experience ghosting after an interview, only to find the role was halted due
to a hiring freeze, or filled by an internal employee.” Being aware of these
factors can help to mitigate disappointment.
Spurned in love
“When it comes to being rejected in matters of the heart, it’s common to
replay the moment: ‘Why wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong?’,” says Dr
Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of the Chelsea
Psychology Clinic. Being dumped, unreciprocated feelings or parting after
years of shared life can be devastating. “The truth is rejection is rarely about
personal inadequacy. People’s feelings, choices and circumstances are deeply
complex, and rejection often reflects those factors rather than you as a
person.”
Allow yourself to grieve – it’s OK to feel sad, disappointed, angry. “Lean into
those emotions but don’t let them define you.” Therapy, journalling or
speaking to trusted friends will help ease the pain, and focusing on personal
development and activities that make you happy, adds Touroni.
“For those who have experienced rejection after a long-term relationship or
divorce, the journey is more challenging. Time is your ally, healing will come
through patience, self-reflection and support. While it can feel impossible at
first, life will find ways to move forward – and so will you.”
Reminding yourself you can choose how you respond is central, says
psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner. “Shift your mindset. Rather than
seeing ourselves as the recipient of someone else’s decisions, review the
situation. Even if things didn’t work out, how can you make new choices?
How would you like to act differently in future?” Focus on your values,
Skinner adds: “Make a list of your interests and passions, then plan practical
steps to move towards those dreams. If your dream is to qualify in a new
skill, join a class or buy an introductory book,” she says. In time, life unfurls
again and you will move on with a greater sense of self and identity.
Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine.
Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the
must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend.
Enter your email address
Free weekly newsletter
Sign up
Privacy Notice: Newsletters may contain info about charities, online ads, and content funded by outside
parties. For more information see our Privacy Policy
. We use Google reCaptcha to protect our website and the
Privacy Policy Terms of Service
Google and apply.
Most viewed
As trust in the US collapses,
leaders in Australia and
around the world are
frantically recalibrating
Julianne Schultz
Israel strikes southern
Lebanon amid calls for halt
to ‘endless war’
I’m the Canadian who was
detained by Ice for two
weeks. It felt like I had been
kidnapped
The Trump administration
is descending into
authoritarianism
Trump revokes security
clearances for Biden, Harris
and other political enemies
Set styling: Hattie Newman.
Photograph: Sun Lee/The Guardian
Most viewed
Are the kids all right?
Our inner critic begins to develop at around 10 years old, according to the UK
confidence index, compiled by Arden University in Coventry. Building
resilience and supporting children and teenagers to manage their self-esteem
is crucial to helping them cope with rejection. Avoid minimising statements
such as, “You’ll get over it”, says Prof Gail Steptoe-Warren, head of
psychology at Arden. Instead, ask kids to share their thoughts without fear of
judgment, to help them process their feelings.
Encourage children to talk more openly, says Dr Sophie Ward, deputy head of
the psychology school at Arden. “Ask open-ended questions, such as ‘Tell me
about your day?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’, and don’t judge or interrupt. It’s
important you provide a safe environment to talk. Validating feelings lets
youngsters know their emotions are normal, which will aid their mental
wellbeing and social development.” Learning to speak to themselves kindly
is a tool young people can use to replace unhealthy negative thoughts with
positive ones, Ward explains. “Help a child recognise when they use hostile
thinking styles, catastrophising or using words like ‘should’ or ‘must’, and
change their thinking. Instead of, ‘I lost the race. I failed’, encourage them to
think, ‘I may have lost, which is disappointing, but I can learn from it, try
again and hopefully do better next time.’”
Encourage children to push themselves, try
new things and take on challenges, even if they
feel intimidating
There will be situations where a child may never achieve something others
will, but shielding them from this will not help them build resilience,
explains Katia Vlachos, life coach and author of Uncaged: A Good Girl’s
Journey to Reinvention. “It’s natural to want to protect kids from more hurt;
instead, gently nudge them to take small steps forward, like inviting a friend
over, going to another try-out, or joining a new club. Celebrate their efforts,
not only outcomes, and remind them: ‘You’re not defined by one moment.
Keep going – you’re building something stronger.’”
You can also increase their confidence by reminding them that it is a normal
part of life to make mistakes, that it helps them grow. Steptoe-Warren adds:
“Motivate your child to write a list of their favourite things about themselves
and their achievements, to show them how capable they are when their self-
esteem gets knocked or their inner critic gets too loud. Encourage children to
push themselves, try new things and take on challenges, even if they feel
intimidating. Each success outside their comfort zone will build their
confidence.”
Socially snubbed
Ghosting or exclusion from being invited on a night out or a holiday can feel
like a bitter betrayal, especially in close friendships. But, says Vlachos, avoid
spiralling into assumptions and instead reach out to express your feelings.
Try saying something like: “I’ve noticed some distance between us. Is there
something I’ve done?” And accept the outcome, adds Vlachos. “Even if
silence is the response. If your friend reassures you that nothing’s wrong but
then goes on to repeat the same pattern, then maybe it’s time to move on.
Sometimes, silence is your closure, and it’s OK to grieve the loss while
honouring what the friendship meant to you.”
Shame is the most common response to rejection, says Touroni. It can lead
us to believe there is something inherently wrong with us. Shame festers in
silence but can be shaken off when shared. Leigh Norén, sex therapist and
coach says: “It is important to feel rejection. Just as we can’t get rid of
sadness by shouting, or pretending we’re happy, neither can we get rid of
shame. Acknowledge it. Notice where you feel it in your body. Label it, then
sit with these feelings – you’ll feel them subside naturally.”
When ghosted or excluded, resist the urge to make assumptions or
internalise blame. “Instead, focus on what this reveals about the relationship
by asking: ‘Is this the kind of friendship I need or want to invest in?’,” says
Vlachos. “That way, in future you’re more likely to attract friendships that
align with your values.” Rejection isn’t the final chapter; it’s an invitation to
rewrite your story with more clarity and strength. As Vlachos says:
“Rejection becomes less about loss and more about growth, a catalyst for
becoming the truest version of ourselves.”
Explore more on these topics
Health & wellbeing Relationships Friendship Work & careers Mental health
Health Parents and parenting features
Share Reuse this content
