Help Please! The Badger Stratagem

[AgentPete]

So I found a dead badger a couple of weeks ago in the woods. He was a really big male, and his head had been chewed off by… something or other. I don’t know what would do that. Badgers are our largest carnivores, they have no natural predators.

The badgers come out at night here. You rarely see them. Sometimes they dig for earthworms, and residents find big holes in their nicely-manicured lawns the next morning.

Badgers love peanuts. I happen to know this because I’ve been feeding them for a few days now. Every evening at dusk I’ll scatter some peanuts around (not salted, please) and also leave a few extra handfuls in a white plastic tub.

The first night, all the peanuts had gone, and the tub was moved about five yards away.

Same thing next night, but the tub was twenty yards away.

Third night, the tub had gone completely.

Fourth night with a new tub – it also disappeared.

So tonight, or tomorrow if the rain doesn’t clear up, I’m going to sit in the woods. These are private woods, protected by yards of brambles and fences. Humans would find it very bloody to gain entry.

I’m going to sit there, with a couple of pockets full of peanuts, and see who turns up.

But I just had a disturbing thought.

What if it’s not badgers?

What if the tables have been turned on me?

Here am I, thinking that I might train a bunch of badgers to take peanuts from me.

Maybe it’s the other way round.

Maybe I’m being trained.

By something.

I may need advice.

What would you do?

 

[mickleinapickle]

A fox probably chewed his head off, though he would have been dead first I reckon. Don't think a fox could better a badger. Squirrels may be scoffing your peanuts.

 

[Vagabond Heart]

Full body armour, a flame-thrower, a torch, your geiger-counter (it's gotta have some use), peanuts, some sacrificial virgins (in case is Hastings dragon), snacks for you (so you don't scoff all the peanuts), flask of mildy hallucinogenic mushroom tea, a good stool, headphones with an audiobook, and you're all set. Keep us posted.

 

[Aethalope]

A camera trap may be your friend here.

 

[Rich.]

mildy hallucinogenic mushroom tea, a good stool,

the one usually leads to the other

--

I second a camera trap. I think you'd have to sit out every night for months before any animal approached you -- unless of course the squirrels are particularly voracious in your area. There isn't a top-sectet research lab nearby, by any chance? Maybe that Geiger counter will come in handy after all...

 

[AgentPete]

There isn't a top-sectet research lab nearby, by any chance? Maybe that Geiger counter will come in handy after all...

So the woods have grown over / around some very old (Victorian) buildings, with an industrial feel. Steampunk vibe. They didn’t do genetic engineering back in those days, did they…?

 

[Rich.]

Victorian, you say? That'll be ghosts, then. Lots of angry ghosts. Good luck, old chap. Tally-ho. Do tell us how you get on.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

Torch to find your way to your sitting spot then turn it off - the badgers won't like it and your eyes will get used to the dark (though the sound of unseen badgers snuffling through the undergrowth in an abandoned Victorian site would give me the heeby jeebies!). A night vision camera trap will be your best bet but not as much of a hair on the back of the neck lifting experience.

 

[James Charles]

I see a horror story here.... Just come back with your head, Pete.

 

[Aethalope]

Victorian? Someone may have brought an unfortunate souvenir from the far-flung corners of the empire.

Cover all bases. Festoon the camera trap with kaffir lime leaves.

 

[E G Logan]

Do you seriously want to meet something capable of chewing the head off a full-grown badger??

 

[Pamela Jo]

Kaffir Lime Leaves are the southern hemisphere's answer to saging? Interesting.

Camera trap. EVERYTHING loves peanuts. You want to make sure of species before you voluntarily meet them.

The horses killed a badger in Switz, We had to call the wildlife people who came and picked it up for autopsy. They keep track of badger, wolf, deaths etc. But head was pretty much missing.... Hooves will do that, even to the hardest skulls.

 

[AgentPete]

Torch to find your way to your sitting spot then turn it off - the badgers won't like it and your eyes will get used to the dark (though the sound of unseen badgers snuffling through the undergrowth in an abandoned Victorian site would give me the heeby jeebies!).

Sounds like you've actually done this, yes? Will they (I assume it's a family) respond to calling?

Do you seriously want to meet something capable of chewing the head off a full-grown badger??

That. I need to conquer my fear. It will be good for me.

The horses killed a badger in Switz,

So this is some sort of demon horse, maybe? Reassuring.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

Sounds like you've actually done this, yes? Will they (I assume it's a family) respond to calling?


That. I need to conquer my fear. It will be good for me.

So this is some sort of demon horse, maybe? Reassuring.

I haven't but I know people who have (prepare for the long wait!). Unless they're already habituated to you, calling is a sure way of not seeing them. They are sensibly wary creatures.

 

[Barbara]

My guess: you live nextdoor to a taxidermist. Or some sort of trophy hunter.

Weirdly, I recently met some woman who collects taxidermited (is that the verb for taxidermy?) animal heads. Them things some twits mount on wooden plaques. Needless to say the 'friendship' between her and I didn't even last one second.

 

[Pamela Jo]

So this is some sort of demon horse, maybe? Reassuring.



Mustangs in a herd can kill coyotes, wolves, even cougar. Grizzlies, not so much. There is much made about horses being prey, but they were very effective at killing enemy in battle. In their original form anyway-they are not rabbits.

 

[Ronnnie]

A camera trap may be your friend here.

I agree. A camera first just to see how many are coming-and what is coming!!!

 

[AgentPete]

My guess: you live nextdoor to a taxidermist. Or some sort of trophy hunter.

There’s a puppeteer on one side and a drummer on the other. Likely suspects…?

 

[AgentPete]

There is much made about horses being prey, but they were very effective at killing enemy in battle.

So happens that I’ve been in the middle of a field with hostile horsewomen (note gender) trying to whip / run over me. Deeply scary experience, you’ve never felt so exposed / vulnerable. Total flashback to how medieval battle must have been. You can’t outrun them, there is no shelter.

This was in my hunt sabbing days. First rule of a hunt sab – do not cross a large field, they will get you.

 

[Pamela Jo]

Yep. Camilla's on horseback are not the attractive creatures Jilly Cooper would have you believe. We fight all the time against the English style of horsemanship too. They despise those who ride Western despite the fact the "vaquero" way gets more out of rider and horse. It has to because it is a working partnership. One of our battles is trying to replace jumping and dressage with more horse and people friendly pursuits, but we're fighting Class. Our horses love to jump but i wouldnt sell them as jumpers because they don't do things wo having a reason. Mindless obedience goes against the herd survival. There are no equine fascists.

 

[AgentPete]

Yep. Camilla's on horseback are not the attractive creatures Jilly Cooper would have you believe.

Exactly. You’ve got them down to a T.

The males would mostly just hurl insults, but the female riders simply wanted to kill you. Bloody scary.

Best insult I had (from a male):

“I killed three Germans in the last war, and they were all better men than you!”.

Says it all.

 

[Barbara]

There’s a puppeteer on one side and a drummer on the other. Likely suspects…?

The drummer in Black Sabath?

 

[Pamela Jo]

Exactly. You’ve got them down to a T.

The males would mostly just hurl insults, but the female riders simply wanted to kill you. Bloody scary.

Best insult I had (from a male):

“I killed three Germans in the last war, and they were all better men than you!”.

Says it all.

Thing is they were most likely better men than him and he has delusions he was better than them. But at least he knew how to leave behind a good quote.

I cringe every time I see those videos. The way the horses are handled. Our horses are capable of being ridden bitless before we go to a snaffle following Xenophon. The English riders SAY they ride with their seat but every time they fall off they are clinging to the reins with a huge jerk to the horses mouth

The Queen loved racing but never rode to the hunt. She was the first in the UK to recognise natural horsemanship. I like to think she was more cowgirl than Camilla.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

There’s a puppeteer on one side and a drummer on the other. Likely suspects…?

Puppets made from taxidermy creatures - absolute yuck!