Thank you!

[Claire G]

Just a quick thank you to everyone who was in the Genius Room, @AgentPete and @Vagabond Heart for your constructive feedback RE Daisy Roberts is Dead. I made copious notes and came away with a clear plan of action. I know I suck at blurbs and have just re-watched Pete's seminar. I found it hard not to give spoilers but wanted to hint at the stakes (I didn't really want to reveal that her death wasn't an accident but would have been left with no real problem to identify for the character). Daisy is an unreliable narrator and I didn't want to reveal this; I want the reader to discover this by reading the book. Gah! Back to the drawing board! In terms of emotional impact, I can see that I threw the baby out with the bathwater when I re-wrote this opening. I tried to include more setting description and obviously left out too much of the intensity of her reactions. I will certainly rectify this! If anyone has any tips for writing blurbs with unreliable narrators and twists, I would really appreciate it. Thanks again!

 

[JohnBertel]

If anyone has any tips for writing blurbs with unreliable narrators and twists

I don't think you should reveal in the blurb that the narrator is unreliable. I don't want to spoil this for everybody, but if you search on amazon.com for 0062377183 you will find an example where the narrator fooled me, and the blurb is actually misleading too.

 

[Claire G]

Hmmm...that's a very long blurb, isn't it? How disappointing for you

No, I don't want to reveal that but how to write the blurb without giving too much away is confounding me! If I mention the dilemma/stakes, I reveal what I want the reader to discover by reading the novel...

 

[Claire G]

And a huuuge thank you to @Mel L for a fantastic reading!

 

[Vagabond Heart]

Oooh, was this yours? How fab.
I’m gonna say it again - I liked the sense of detachment. For me it emphasised the sense of dislocation.
When my husband died very suddenly, in front of me, there was such a sense of shock and unreality that the emotional side of that didn’t sink in for a while. So I found her observational ‘otherness’ quite compelling and realistic.
Obviously, it always pays to go with what the majority say. But if you choose to stay with how you’ve currently written it, maybe just accentuate it? Have her think how she should be feeling something, but isn’t?
And FYI I also liked the traffic light bit but thought it was in the wrong place.
And I’m rubbish at blurbs too, but Hannah is fantastic, so get the group helping you on that in the Writing Workshop.
Am looking forward to reading more.
Xx

 

[Claire G]

T

Oooh, was this yours? How fab.
I’m gonna say it again - I liked the sense of detachment. For me it emphasised the sense of dislocation.
When my husband died very suddenly, in front of me, there was such a sense of shock and unreality that the emotional side of that didn’t sink in for a while. So I found her observational ‘otherness’ quite compelling and realistic.
Obviously, it always pays to go with what the majority say. But if you choose to stay with how you’ve currently written it, maybe just accentuate it? Have her think how she should be feeling something, but isn’t?
And FYI I also liked the traffic light bit but thought it was in the wrong place.
And I’m rubbish at blurbs too, but Hannah is fantastic, so get the group helping you on that in the Writing Workshop.
Am looking forward to reading more.
Xx

Thanks @Vagabond Heart I did mean for her to be numb/in shock and the emotion comes out in the next few pages when she's with her fiance and family, but I clearly need to make more of this. The traffic light scene will be moved/deleted.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your husband and your experience. Thank you for understanding what I was trying to do xxx

 

[Barbara]

I liked the sense of detachment. For me it emphasised the sense of dislocation.

I did like that too, Claire, (it did have a realistic outer body feel). But for me 'something' more needed adding to it as it unfolded. I wonder if you could keep the detachment (make it deeper maybe, with more of the 'I can't touch, let alone move things' way), but then slowly build up and develop the mix of emotion that is creeping in as reality hits her; grow a sense of what she is feeling as it starts to sink in what has happened. It wouldn't need much. More like a dawning. No idea if I'm making sense.

 

[Claire G]

I did like that too, Claire, (it did have a realistic outer body feel). But for me 'something' more needed adding to it as it unfolded. I wonder if you could keep the detachment (make it deeper maybe, with more of the 'I can't touch, let alone move things' way), but then slowly build up and develop the mix of emotion that is creeping in as reality hits her; grow a sense of what she is feeling as it starts to sink in what has happened. It wouldn't need much. More like a dawning. No idea if I'm making sense.

Thanks @Barbara I do this in the next pages but I clearly need to move this forward. I really appreciate the feedback!

 

[Barbara]

It's going to be a fab book.

 

[Pamela Jo]

In many ways I loved this opening. Your voice is strong and sharp. I'd have been hooked if I knew there was a story I that I wanted to know more of.
I wouldnt say it needed more than tweaking. I'm more with Bev than against her in her reactions. I was thinking more like making the reader feel the emotions more than see your MC feel. Like instead of the traffic lights she sees her wedding shoes or something borrowed from her mother splotted with her blood and thinks, "OMG I've ruined my mother's pearls" Or "I dont have to worry about heels making me taller now." Something that makes the reader go "OHHH. Right in the gut."

I really dont like dividing everything into genres, yet I do want to know what I am reading. Def dont give away the unreliable narrator. You could hint at that in the blurb-especially if it is is a mystery. But I just didnt know if it was romance, mystery, saga...? I just need to know what my payoff is going to be at the end. The blurb was scatty and that made me reluctant to trust your story though your writing was exceptional.

I can recommend the emotional craft of fiction by Donald Maas. It really helped me figure out how to get under a readers skin.

 

[Claire G]

In many ways I loved this opening. Your voice is strong and sharp. I'd have been hooked if I knew there was a story I that I wanted to know more of.
I wouldnt say it needed more than tweaking. I'm more with Bev than against her in her reactions. I was thinking more like making the reader feel the emotions more than see your MC feel. Like instead of the traffic lights she sees her wedding shoes or something borrowed from her mother splotted with her blood and thinks, "OMG I've ruined my mother's pearls" Or "I dont have to worry about heels making me taller now." Something that makes the reader go "OHHH. Right in the gut."

I really dont like dividing everything into genres, yet I do want to know what I am reading. Def dont give away the unreliable narrator. You could hint at that in the blurb-especially if it is is a mystery. But I just didnt know if it was romance, mystery, saga...? I just need to know what my payoff is going to be at the end. The blurb was scatty and that made me reluctant to trust your story though your writing was exceptional.

I can recommend the emotional craft of fiction by Donald Maas. It really helped me figure out how to get under a readers skin.

Thanks @Pamela Jo I will look up that book! I was told on my course that my novel is a speculative love story so I went with that. GAH!

 

[Pamela Jo]

Thanks @Pamela Jo I will look up that book! I was told on my course that my novel is a speculative love story so I went with that. GAH!

Yeah, the agent called my old lady animal rescuer revenge porn a cozy mystery... How do you want your reader to feel in the end? Happy Tears. Irish ballad sad? I wanted mine to feel bloodthirsty and I think that would sell, but whatcha gonna do.

 

[Mel L]

And a huuuge thank you to @Mel L for a fantastic reading!

My pleasure, it was a fun read! I loved the 'out of body' feeling to it as well.

 

[Pamela Jo]

Don't know if this is useful but a young girl that house sat for us died suddenly in a freak car accident. She was due to married the next month and was all agog with wedding plans. It was a small town so everyone kind of knew her. The young man she was supposed to marry was devastated and the whole town was shook up. Your story kind of gave me that vibe. There is something about that young bride trope that gets people in the feels.

 

[Eva Ulian]

The traffic light scene will be moved/deleted.

The traffic light scene allows me, a normal reader, to get some sense of what this character is about... and I desperately need to know what she is like especially as she is the tittle of the book. The fact that she's lying there helpless and notes life goes on in spite of her no longer existing is a superb piece of writing. Life is defying her- yet the traffic lights take no heed of her... That's strong stuff - so why would you want to delete that? I believe this scene is by far more effective than a more sensational opening where we do not enter into her mind but just have garish screams that have no meaning for us since we are not yet involved with the character.

 

[RK Wallis]

Just a quick thank you to everyone who was in the Genius Room, @AgentPete and @Vagabond Heart for your constructive feedback RE Daisy Roberts is Dead. I made copious notes and came away with a clear plan of action. I know I suck at blurbs and have just re-watched Pete's seminar. I found it hard not to give spoilers but wanted to hint at the stakes (I didn't really want to reveal that her death wasn't an accident but would have been left with no real problem to identify for the character). Daisy is an unreliable narrator and I didn't want to reveal this; I want the reader to discover this by reading the book. Gah! Back to the drawing board! In terms of emotional impact, I can see that I threw the baby out with the bathwater when I re-wrote this opening. I tried to include more setting description and obviously left out too much of the intensity of her reactions. I will certainly rectify this! If anyone has any tips for writing blurbs with unreliable narrators and twists, I would really appreciate it. Thanks again!

Maybe have a read of this blurb:

The Girl on the Train: The multi-million-copy global phenomenon eBook : Hawkins, Paula: Amazon.com.au: Kindle Store

The Girl on the Train: The multi-million-copy global phenomenon eBook : Hawkins, Paula: Amazon.com.au: Kindle Store

www.amazon.com.au

Rachel is an unreliable narrator

 

[Claire G]

The traffic light scene allows me, a normal reader, to get some sense of what this character is about... and I desperately need to know what she is like especially as she is the tittle of the book. The fact that she's lying there helpless and notes life goes on in spite of her no longer existing is a superb piece of writing. Life is defying her- yet the traffic lights take no heed of her... That's strong stuff - so why would you want to delete that? I believe this scene is by far more effective than a more sensational opening where we do not enter into her mind but just have garish screams that have no meaning for us since we are not yet involved with the character.

Thanks, @Eva Ulian That's what I was aiming for. I won't rush into any decisions xxx

 

[Eva Ulian]

That's what I was aiming for

And you've succeeded, otherwise how would I have known that was your intention?
BTW I heard from your bio that you are an alumni from London University? What did you study? I did my BA in English.

 

[Claire G]

That must have been someone else, @Eva Ulian - I studied Psychology at the University of Birmingham.

 

[Eva Ulian]

That must have been someone else, @Eva Ulian - I studied Psychology at the University of Birmingham.

Yes, probably the person before you. I lived in Walsall from 1958 to 1970, so I know Birmingham.