Ok *Sigh* Tell Me What You Think

[Miss Muses]

Ok...ya'll have been SO encouraging and helpful. So Some good advice given to me was to just see if my writing hooks. So I am going to post an excerpt from my book. Honest opinions please! Also...it isn't 100% edited!


Ballord locks eyes with me and a wicked smile forms beneath his thick beard.

“Next.”

The Ranks try to grab me but I jerk out of their grasp, elbowing one of them in the process. “Get your filthy hands off me.” I say loudly, glaring straight ahead at Ballord. I pause shortly before advancing with as much confidence as I can muster knowing the mark of the devil is about to be agonizingly burnt into my arm for eternity.

Before I know it, I stand before the General. The iron still hovers in the hot flames until it glows red. I do not look into his eyes. Instead, I face the crowd and look down at the beautiful fountain separating us. I extend my arm to my side and feel Ballord clasp my wrist. I shake. Every fiber in me screams to beg like the women before me. I notice Xander standing rigid, cold, and angry. A fire hotter than the one I stand before burns in his eyes. Joan pushes Jeremiah’s face away so he cannot see.

“No.” I call to her. “He needs to see this. He needs to think of this moment every time they try to brainwash him into believing they are good and just.” Her eyes fill with tears and the crowd gasps. She releases her hold on his head and he looks up at me. His mouth quivers and he holds onto Joan’s hand tightly. I look at Ballord and sneer. “You are not good and just!”

A smile creeps over his face and he plunges the iron deeper into the fiery red coals. Seconds pass and he does not break his eyes from mine.

“What are you waiting for?” I hiss. He lets go of my wrist and for a second I think that he may be letting me go. I realize I am wrong when he pushes me to my knees.

“Let this live in each of your memories as a reminder of what happens to traitors!” He jerks my hair away from my neck in one painful swipe. I feel the iron before it touches my skin. The heat radiating from it is even unbearable. However, the pain to follow is more excruciating than I imagined it might have been. I feel the iron burry itself in the flesh on the back of my neck. I dig my palms into the cobblestone beneath my, slicing my palms open. Tears form immediately upon contact and stream down my face. I will not scream! He wants to see my weakness. He wants to see me broken. Nevertheless, I will not give him what he wants. A pain I cannot explain lasts an eternity as he forever mars my skin. The heat radiates down my spine. I feel my skin rip in the trauma of the burn. I grind my teeth together and will myself to stay silent. I can hear the aghast disapproval of my fellow Rouen citizens and the angry shouts and threats from more than one person encourage me to stay strong for the final seconds. If I cry, if I struggle, not only will it satisfy Ballord but it will likely encourage the crowd to try and help me. If anyone steps out of line, The Ranks will begin shooting and with my brother standing there, I refuse to risk it.

I count in my head. One. This is what it means to be brave and strong. Two. He will try to break each one of us in time but we will not let him. Three. I hope my mom and dad are not ashamed of me as I sit here taking the punishment of failure and rebellion. I know how careless this action is, but I believe in it. Four. It is over. The iron is removed and I am pulled to my feet by my hair.

“You are too young to be so rebellious.” He touches my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Learn your lesson this time and perhaps the next time I’m in town I won’t have to publicly humiliate you.”

I jerk out of his grasp and glare at him. “Maybe there won’t be a next time because someone will have answered our prayers and shot you.” I hiss, shaking as the agony sears my body.

“Watch it, girl, or you will be the one with a bullet in your head.”

I let out a faint laugh, too angry to feel threatened by his words. “I would like to see you try. You cross us the wrong way too many times and you’ll wake up dead with a knife in your chest.”

He pushes me towards the crowd, his angry sneer watching me with violent intents.

 

[Jennifer Stone]

Oooo intriguing.... I likes the sounds of this....

 

[Karen Gray]

I would read on You said not totally edited so ignoring the niggly things that will be tightened up when you go over it at a later date, the flow is good. Three things to watch for.

Adverb usage... totally fine to use them but try not to have too many, I aim for 2 per page, at the very most 3. There are exceptions, and it usually doesn't include dialogue because people talk how they talk. 3 per sentence is probably best to avoid. (see what I did there lol)

Second thing is repetitive words (I am a big offender for this one too until I edit pmsl)

Third is dialogue tags, they are fine and useful and I am the first one to say yes you can hiss words BUT use them in moderation, for example instead of saying “Get your filthy hands off me.” I say loudly, You could add an exclamation point in the dialogue and cut out the tag.

It's all about the flow and for the most part considering you say it's not really edited yet, the flow is good and will only get better with some tightening and tweaking.

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Based on the synopsis, I don't think 'Ballord' would be a general. He might be called something theme-appropriately creepy like The Tax Enforcer. He wouldn't do branding himself, though he might oversee. Wonder what emergency, because it would have to be an acute emergency, has prompted such tax viciousness and general melt down, whichever of these came first. If your heroine has someone to protect, like her baby brother, she will, if she's bright, keep as low a profile as possible, taking the penalty quietly.

 

[Miss Muses]

Based on the synopsis, I don't think 'Ballord' would be a general. He might be called something theme-appropriately creepy like The Tax Enforcer. He wouldn't do branding himself, though he might oversee. Wonder what emergency, because it would have to be an acute emergency, has prompted such tax viciousness and general melt down, whichever of these came first. If your heroine has someone to protect, like her baby brother, she will, if she's bright, keep as low a profile as possible, taking the penalty quietly.

These are all great thoughts- however, because of the fact queries have limited space, I had to minimize. Ballord enforces much more than Taxes, he is the puppet for the larger work at force Cereus. He leads armies, enforces the law, collects the taxes. Also, they arrived earlier because they were moving quicker than scheduled. Also, by arriving earlier than the subjects were expecting, it made it easier for him to rat out those who were more prone to be rebels- they didn't have the expected time to cover teir bases.
As for Mila, (first person character) In the start of the book, she isn't terribly emotionally stable. She is impulsive and doesn't think everything through. All she wants is revenge for the death of her parents. Her hatredt for Cereus and Ballord as well as a urt inflicted by the boy mentioned above, Xander, she is very thoughtless. That leaves me with a lot of potentially blank canvas to work with through the story! Thats why she didn't take it quietly. She was stupid

 

[Miss Muses]

I would read on You said not totally edited so ignoring the niggly things that will be tightened up when you go over it at a later date, the flow is good. Three things to watch for.

Adverb usage... totally fine to use them but try not to have too many, I aim for 2 per page, at the very most 3. There are exceptions, and it usually doesn't include dialogue because people talk how they talk. 3 per sentence is probably best to avoid. (see what I did there lol)

Second thing is repetitive words (I am a big offender for this one too until I edit pmsl)

Third is dialogue tags, they are fine and useful and I am the first one to say yes you can hiss words BUT use them in moderation, for example instead of saying “Get your filthy hands off me.” I say loudly, You could add an exclamation point in the dialogue and cut out the tag.

It's all about the flow and for the most part considering you say it's not really edited yet, the flow is good and will only get better with some tightening and tweaking.

Oh! Very helpful- thank you very much! I was wondering how I could cut back on some of my messy issues and you've helped me! I want this to be readable and easy flowing- I feel I have a good story to tell and so I want to tell it the best way I can!

 

[Katie-Ellen]

The line editing is something you can easily sort, as Karen suggests. I think the flow is good. Is it a coming of age story? What's at the heart of it? Your character, Mila, reminds me of Isobel of Fife in a historical novel about Robert the Bruce, Kingdom of Shadows by Barbara Erskine. Why did you choose this extract to share, Miss Muses, and not the novel opening?

 

[Meerkat]

When I'm editing, the one thing I always notice is word choice. Many of your word choices were vague or too easy. This is usually what happens in a first draft, and I'm guilty of it, too. Remember that every sentence should be as precise as a telephone number and edit accordingly.

Other than that, I'd buy the book based on this scene!

 

[Miss Muses]

The line editing is something you can easily sort, as Karen suggests. I think the flow is good. Is it a coming of age story? What's at the heart of it? Your character, Mila, reminds me of Isobel of Fife in a historical novel about Robert the Bruce, Kingdom of Shadows by Barbara Erskine. Why did you choose this extract to share, Miss Muses, and not the novel opening?

Good questions, Katie! I would say that considering the fact Mila is turing 22 in the early chapters of the book, it is a mature coming of age book. It faces a lot of moral, spiritual, and love life questions that many girls my/her age ask and have to work thorugh. But it isn't a 15 year old coming of age book. The heart of this story is to portray that there is ALWAYS something to live for, always something to fight for, and if you look hard enough, there is always someone who cares. I try to portray a series of moral issues and how a girl without parents to guide her learns about them and deals with them. Of course, she will make mistakes, we all do! But does she learn from them or does she turn into a broken record? Shes had her heart broken but does she turn into a bitter nasty person who turns away from life and the sweetness of love? She feels abandoned, but does she pick herself up ad learn to THRIVE or does she wallow like an incapable child?
I have never read the book, is it a compliment?
I am questioning the opening- while it holds quite necessary information, I don't know if I will change that or not. So, I decided to go with a scene that I loved writing that I considered exciting as well as a defining moment for Mila!

 

[Miss Muses]

When I'm editing, the one thing I always notice is word choice. Many of your word choices were vague or too easy. This is usually what happens in a first draft, and I'm guilty of it, too. Remember that every sentence should be as precise as a telephone number and edit accordingly.

Other than that, I'd buy the book based on this scene!

Oh thanks! You know, I wonderd if my words were too...simple! Do you have any tips for more precise usage?

And thanks you- I realy needed that encouragment!

 

[Meerkat]

Oh thanks! You know, I wonderd if my words were too...simple! Do you have any tips for more precise usage?

And thanks you- I realy needed that encouragment!

You're welcome!

It isn't that they're simple -- simple words are actually better. It's that they aren't precise enough. For example:

A smile creeps over his face and he plunges the iron deeper into the fiery red coals.

Instead of "creeps," you could say, "A smile sneaks onto his face, and lunging forward, he sinks the iron into the sizzling coals."

I used "sneaks" instead of "creeps" because it conveys that he can't hide his joy at hurting her. "Lunging forward" shows that he is even sadistically excited to be torturing her. "Sinks" is like "plunges," but to me, at least, it has a deliberate feel to it that shows he's a methodical maniac. "Sizzling" also foreshadows what will happen to her flesh.

It's a pain, I know, but when editing, try to stop at each description and ask yourself if you've really used the most precise, descriptive words you could. It takes a long time, but it's also immensely satisfying.

 

[Miss Muses]

You're welcome!

It isn't that they're simple -- simple words are actually better. It's that they aren't precise enough. For example:



Instead of "creeps," you could say, "A smile sneaks onto his face, and lunging forward, he sinks the iron into the sizzling coals."

I used "sneaks" instead of "creeps" because it conveys that he can't hide his joy at hurting her. "Lunging forward" shows that he is even sadistically excited to be torturing her. "Sinks" is like "plunges," but to me, at least, it has a deliberate feel to it that shows he's a methodical maniac. "Sizzling" also foreshadows what will happen to her flesh.

It's a pain, I know, but when editing, try to stop at each description and ask yourself if you've really used the most precise, descriptive words you could. It takes a long time, but it's also immensely satisfying.

Oh wow! See, you are talented! I have SO much to learn and that sentence is miles better than what I had! Thank you very much and yes, I think I see what you're trying to explain. You described so much so simply!

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Isobel of Fife really lived. No-one knows what happened to her. She is a passionate, brave character, who doesn't always manage to curb her impulse to say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time. Wrong as in, dangerous to her and people she loves.

 

[Miss Muses]

Isobel of Fife really lived. No-one knows what happened to her. She is a passionate, brave character, who doesn't always manage to curb her impulse to say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time. Wrong as in, dangerous to her and people she loves.

Wow...I feel...unintelligent. Guess I need to crack open the history books again! Trust me, I am SURE I have read of her and just dont remember! Although from what you say, I wholeheartedly agree that she and Mila sound very similar!

 

[Karen Gray]

Wow...I feel...unintelligent. Guess I need to crack open the history books again! Trust me, I am SURE I have read of her and just dont remember! Although from what you say, I wholeheartedly agree that she and Mila sound very similar!

You can gain a lot from history. Several of the characters I have are influenced by real historical figures. And most of the political and social situations in the book are things that have happened in the past and are happening now.

Edward I
Mary Queen of Scots (to an extent)
The battle of Bannockburn
the highland clearances

To name just a fraction of the things I have researched and drawn from.

 

[Meerkat]

Oh wow! See, you are talented! I have SO much to learn and that sentence is miles better than what I had! Thank you very much and yes, I think I see what you're trying to explain. You described so much so simply!

It is honestly MUCH easier to edit than it is to write. You did the work, I just played with it.

 

[Kitty]

I can't help wondering if it might be better to wait until you've finished editing before requesting feedback. As it stands the things I notice first are probably all things you would spot anyway and sort out in your edit. For example there are a number of typos and punctuation errors and it needs a fair bit of tightening up - i.e. there's no need to go into detail of every single gesture and movement - remember - less is more. Also it seems to take an awful long time to brand her! Not that I've ever branded anyone I hasten to add!