Loglines, pitches, etc

[Karen J]

I've switched direction for my initial query sentence/s logline or pitch or whatever someone wants to call it. I'm wondering if y'all could say which one peaks your interest the most. Numbers at the end are word count.

1) Two women from different walks of life cross paths and spark a journey to self-acceptance and releasing demons, where love tests their courage to reshape their futures. 27

2) A chance encounter sparks a transformative journey for two women, where the pursuit of want leads to the discovery of need while navigating self-perceived shortcomings, self-acceptance, and age-gap speedbumps. 29

3) As two women navigate the complexities of life, they discover that sometimes what’s wanted overshadows what’s needed. Their options: overcome fears or walk away from the unplanned relationship that healed two broken souls. 33

4) In the wake of unexpected changes, two women find themselves on journeys of self-acceptance and overcoming guilt, where love becomes the compass guiding them towards what they truly need. 29

 

[Hannah F]

4) Is my favourite, but they're all a bit too vague to hook me. What is your unique selling point that will get the prospective agent/publisher to sit up and take notice?

 

[Vagabond Heart]

I like the bit about broken souls, and needs not wants, in number 3. But I agree with Hannah. Too unspecific.

 

[James Charles]

I've switched direction for my initial query sentence/s logline or pitch or whatever someone wants to call it. I'm wondering if y'all could say which one peaks your interest the most. Numbers at the end are word count.

1) Two women from different walks of life cross paths and spark a journey to self-acceptance and releasing demons, where love tests their courage to reshape their futures. 27

2) A chance encounter sparks a transformative journey for two women, where the pursuit of want leads to the discovery of need while navigating self-perceived shortcomings, self-acceptance, and age-gap speedbumps. 29

3) As two women navigate the complexities of life, they discover that sometimes what’s wanted overshadows what’s needed. Their options: overcome fears or walk away from the unplanned relationship that healed two broken souls. 33

4) In the wake of unexpected changes, two women find themselves on journeys of self-acceptance and overcoming guilt, where love becomes the compass guiding them towards what they truly need. 29

#4

 

[RK Wallis]

#3 Tells me more than the others about what is at stake, but it's wordy. Can you pare back? Something like:

"Two women navigate the complexities of life and discover unexpected desires. Their options: overcome society expectations or walk away from a relationship that healed two broken souls. "

It isn't right, I know, but hopefully you can see clearer what I mean by what's at stake.

 

[Pamela Jo]

3, because it tells me more. They all read more like nonfiction than fiction. Is that what you are writing? For fiction remember your characters are the avatars for the readers. Giving them names, places, emotions gives us the means to slip inside and live the story.

EX: Loneliness was something Jane lived with-until she met Anna at a parenting group, but love takes the kind of courage her narrow world did not allow women like her. (rough, but just to give you an idea of what would pull me in. Writing is basically gossip.)

 

[Karen J]

I’m finding the path of attempting to write the perfect line in the hope to please everyone & spark an agent’s interest is too convoluted and full of traps. No matter what I’ve come up with it’s either too complicated or too vague. Half are telling me don’t include names, half say the opposite. Google is bloated with conflicting advice from agents, publishers, & writers on ‘how to write the perfect …’.

The joy of writing the book has faded in the realization that my brain isn’t ever going to master this formula. This was the final try so it’s time to just accept defeat. I can’t come up with something better. Not looking for sympathy, just facing reality.

 

[Claire G]

Could you post your synopsis so we can help to boil it down? xx

 

[Hannah F]

I’m finding the path of attempting to write the perfect line in the hope to please everyone & spark an agent’s interest is too convoluted and full of traps. No matter what I’ve come up with it’s either too complicated or too vague. Half are telling me don’t include names, half say the opposite. Google is bloated with conflicting advice from agents, publishers, & writers on ‘how to write the perfect …’.

The joy of writing the book has faded in the realization that my brain isn’t ever going to master this formula. This was the final try so it’s time to just accept defeat. I can’t come up with something better. Not looking for sympathy, just facing reality.

Don't give up. A good logline will pique interest but it's not absolutely necessary (and none is better than mediocre). Though some agents/publishers ask for a logline or elevator pitch, many don't. If they ask for a pitch (without the word "elevator" in front of it), they are generally asking for something akin to the back-of-the-book blurb. @AgentPete has done a great seminar on blurbs. Check it out.

 

[Pamela Jo]

I’m finding the path of attempting to write the perfect line in the hope to please everyone & spark an agent’s interest is too convoluted and full of traps. No matter what I’ve come up with it’s either too complicated or too vague. Half are telling me don’t include names, half say the opposite. Google is bloated with conflicting advice from agents, publishers, & writers on ‘how to write the perfect …’.

The joy of writing the book has faded in the realization that my brain isn’t ever going to master this formula. This was the final try so it’s time to just accept defeat. I can’t come up with something better. Not looking for sympathy, just facing reality.

Maybe defeat just feels like reality for the moment. We all get discouraged. And there is that voice inside all of us that tends to say the shitty end of the stick is the "realer" one. Sometimes we have to throw away all the advice and write what we'd want to read. Agents are just readers looking for the book that will carry them away. Perfection is a cross on which we crucify ourselves.

 

[Rachael Burnett]

I’m finding the path of attempting to write the perfect line in the hope to please everyone & spark an agent’s interest is too convoluted and full of traps. No matter what I’ve come up with it’s either too complicated or too vague. Half are telling me don’t include names, half say the opposite. Google is bloated with conflicting advice from agents, publishers, & writers on ‘how to write the perfect …’.

The joy of writing the book has faded in the realization that my brain isn’t ever going to master this formula. This was the final try so it’s time to just accept defeat. I can’t come up with something better. Not looking for sympathy, just facing reality.

Please don't give up. I know it's disheartening and we can get such conflicting information from different sources. You can post on one writing group and compared to another, get a totally different responses. For me, the thing to do is to read all the advice, and use it where you feel it will work for you. In the end, you're the writer, the one who chooses what to submit. Go with your favourite version, submit to a couple of agents and see what their response is. You can always change the line in the future. Have a look at the back of books you've used as COMPS or are COMPS and see what their log line or first line is, and see if it aligns with yours. If it doesn't, edit to match what's expected in your genre. Whatever you decide, I repeat, don't give up. Keep going and see where it leads you. Wishing you great success .

 

[RK Wallis]

perfect line

Please don't strive for perfection. Therein lies a path of torment. Look at Fifty Shades of Grey: poor writing, but the story captured the attention of millions, including myself. Writing is hard work and we might write many books before grabbing agent attention, but playing with words is so rewarding. Love the process. Forget perfection. Perfection reads stiff and awkward. You don't want that.