Flash Club July Flash Club

[Emily]

All kudos and thanks to our previous Flash Club host for her inspiration this month.... Take it away, @Barbara !

This month you are invited to write bad sub letters, written in a way one shouldn't do a sub letter, from authors to agent.

As in:

Dear agent
Please find attached my latest flash of genius. It's a story about ... well, nothing really, but I'm convinced it's, well, genius. The MS isn't complete yet, but if I take the next week off I might get it done in time.
A bit about me: I'm a writer who hates writing.
Look forward to hearing from you
etcetc



The entry with the most votes on the 31st of July, 2023, will be the winner of an extraordinary hand-crafted (!!) virtual trophy. And, more importantly: some of our very prized, and internationally-renowned, virtual Litopi-cake.


***NOTE!***
A thumbs up/like = 1 vote
"heart-eyes" and a "laughing face" emoji vote = 2 VOTES.



The competition is open to all members. Feel free to enter more than once.


-The main rules here are:

Your entry must be original work

We ask you not to critique

AND

Please make your entry anonymous by clicking the anonymous button, but if you forget, don't worry, that's okay too. (Note: Guardians can see who posts.)


Best of luck!

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

Attached are my synopsis and sample chapters of my co-authored book, The Bible. This is a historical adventure which includes bloodshed, allegory and redemption. I am hoping that it will inspire generations to come.

I am writing to you because you say in your website bio that you enjoy thought-provoking stories and the theme of good versus evil. I think that The Bible will be right up your street!

Regarding myself and my co-authors, we are all males who live in patriarchal societies (but don't let that put you off!) with a flair for the fantastical.

I hope that you enjoy reading!

Best wishes,

Matthew et al

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

There once was a man named Trevor
Who was handsome and funny and clever
He wrote a great book
Please take a look!
And you're sure to say, "Well, I never!"

Best wishes,

T. DeWitt

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

I must confess, I'm astounded that someone with your apparent lack of taste and discernment has managed to carve out a career in the literary world. Nonetheless, I've decided to grace you with the opportunity to represent me and my groundbreaking masterpiece. Brace yourself for an experience that will challenge your limited understanding of true literary greatness.

I won't bore you with trivial details about my qualifications or previous publications, as they pale in comparison to the sheer brilliance of my work. Prepare to be enlightened by a stroke of literary genius that will shake the very foundations of your narrow-minded perception. Your feeble mind may struggle to comprehend the magnitude of my talent, but I assure you, it is unparalleled.

Now, let's get to the point. I demand a substantial advance that reflects the true worth of my genius. Anything less than six figures would be an insult to my prodigious talent. And don't even think about suggesting any revisions to my manuscript. It is a flawless masterpiece, and any attempts to alter it would only highlight your lack of understanding. Remember, you are my agent, not my editor. Stay in your lane.

I expect prompt responses to my correspondence. I understand that your usual clientele may not possess the brilliance that radiates from every word I write, but that is no excuse for tardiness. Should you fail to meet my expectations, I will swiftly find an agent who appreciates my unmatched brilliance and is capable of propelling my work to the literary stratosphere.

Awaiting your begrudging response.

Regards,

The Author

 

[Anonymous]

[note to the competition judges: the previous entry was written entirely by AI.]

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

I am a ghost writer.

I will haunt you until you agree to represent me.

Best wishes,

Mr. P. Hantom

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Mr Agent.

I'm submitting to you because you know the publishing industry. You're like the best agent in the world. EVER. And also because you're probably kicking yourself for not taking on JK Rowling, and you wouldn't want to make that mistake twice. See, you shouldn't have rejected Harry Potter on your limited views that it's just a "cute little story about a snotty little ankle biter who should stop zooming about on his broom and instead use his broom to sweep the floor because men and women are equal these days". (Apparently, that's what you said in your rejection letter.) Anyway, ... what was I saying? Ah yes. You now have the chance to make up for your misjudgement by representing my piece of genius. A fictional novel.

According to the many 'How-to' YouTube clips, I should put a blub here, but won't. I can't be arsed to write one. They're hard to get right.

Please find enclosed the whole MS.

Kind Regards

Miss LK Rowings (That's my pen name, BTW, and I'm sticking with it)

PS: I really like the red and orange tie you wore in Monday. I really suits you.
PPS: You'd better take my novel on, or else ...

 

[Barbara]

Dear Agent,

There once was a man named Trevor
Who was handsome and funny and clever
He wrote a great book
Please take a look!
And you're sure to say, "Well, I never!"

Best wishes,

T. DeWitt

FAO the person who wrote this:

Actually, you should use this when you sub next time. See what happens. (I'm totally being serious.) It's different, you'll stand out, and it may get you seen. If I were an agent, I'd look at your sample on the back of this.

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent

Did you like the twinkly gold glitter that cascaded out when you opened my letter? Do you like my lovely pink paper?
Pleeeease represent my cosy contemporary womens fiction novel. My circle of friends all say its brill and I know it will sell loads.
Even though you asked for the first chapter I've sent you the first four because my story really takes off after chapter three but my friends all said the slow start really works.

I'm sooo looking forward to your reply and to meeting you in person.

Writerly hugs and double-cheeked kisses

MS OTT

 

[Anonymous]

Deer Sir or Madam,

Pleas find unclosed the manuskript for my new novel. Its a story about a mundane couple who fall in love get married and have twin boys. Its cutting edge because it has no affares or disfuncshional people. No detectives or spies or murderers or zombees, There children are well behaved and well ajusted. And no aliens land in they’re back garden. The story starts when they meet and finishes when the children start skool.

I’ve added sum sexy parts to suit modern audienses. The best one is wen they are stroling along blackpool peer and the wind blows her skirt up and exposes her underware to the world. They then run back to thy’re car giggling and he gives her a long pashonate peck on the cheek before they drive home.

I’ve also aded some humore. The best seen is wen they are celebrating chrismas and the children pull a crakker which scares the cat. It runs up the chrismas tree and nocks it over. The family then have good fun finding the bawbels and hanging them back on the tree. I laffed my socks off when I was riting it all.

My speelchecker was not working wile I was riting the novel but I’ve check it all and found no erors. So this is the final draft.

Can you send me £10000 of advanse royaltees. You can claim this back wen the novel sells the first milion.

Errrr… if I forget to include the manuskript can you forward a stamped adressed envolope and I’ll resend it agen.

best regards
billy bonkers

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Sir or Madam

You say you are closed to submissions, but that is because you have not yet received mine. I have spent years collecting material on medieval history and have painstakingly made the parchment for this unique edition myself. I do understand you will have to print further copies on ordinary paper, but I do insist that they are all hardback copies. Anything else would belittle the information I have meticulously plagiarised from secondary sources. As you will see, there is no bibliography because, after reading my work, no one will need to refer to any other source.

I know you will wish to keep my wonderful parchment copy for your archives but, unfortunately, I must insist on it being returned to me as soon as you have made your first paper copy. It is for my own collection which I shall donate to the National literary museum after my death.

I will expect to receive monthly payments from sales into my post office account so that I may collect it with my pension.

Yours faithfully

Arseful Codger (The)

 

[Anonymous]

Dear [insert name here],

[insert title here] is a completed [word count] [genre] novel that would appeal to readers of [comp.auth.1] and [comp.auth.2].

[insert title here] follows the [stakes] of [protagonist] who must [character arc] before [antagonist] [ant.arcs] and [bad stuff to be averted].

I am [insert what ticks your boxes] and would like nothing more than for you to represent me.

Kind regards,
[catchy name]

PS: if you would be so kind as to return this email to me with the bracketed text filled in, we can move things along to our mutual benifit ASAP [insert witty sign off].

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

I have heard you are a super agent! Well, I'm a super writer. If you would like to have a super manuscript, I would be super excited to send it to you. Super!

Thank you,

Super writer.

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

My Hoomum is writing this letter bcoz I dont has hands. I only has feets. They is very fast feets, tho'.

You can see more of my feets work on Twitter at @FartyFloofy (don't go to @PartyFloofy by acksident because she posts norty pics and plus we don'ts even thinks they is hers!)

Where was I? Oh yes, I has written a book! It's pawsome—my Hoomum tells everyone, so it musts be true.

Anyway, I expecks you're alreddy following me (@FartyFloofy, did I say that before? I has almost 9000 frends), but in case you isnt's, you should.

How much will you gives me for my book? I only takes payment in treets.

Fanks you very much,

@FartyFloofy

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent

I would like to submit my novel to you.

It's book 3 in a romantic comedy series, called Sweet Success. Book 1 and 2 sold millions of copies.

I'm now looking for a new agant, because after selling the film rights to the series, my last agent retired to a private Iland in the Cayman Islands. He's only 40 years old.

Please send me the full name of yours, address and bank details so I can pay you the £300 reading fee i give to all agents I query, because I know how hard you all work. And I'd love to send you a birthday card too, so can I have your full date of birth please, inc the year so I know how long I have you as an agent before you retire too. Say hello to your mother (what's her maiden name again? It's been a while since I seen her.).

Kind regards and I' am looking forward to working together

Mr Oogadoogu
(Nigeria)

 

[Anonymous]

hiii,

i heard ur a rlly good agent and u'd defenetly like my book!! plz give it a read and tell me what u think!! lolz
my mom said i shud put a summery here but i dunno wat that is lolz... the book is super super cool tho!! itz about......well just read it and see lolz ur gonna love it for sure uwu
plz plz can you get me like a million doller deal and a netflix series like they did for that comic??? it would be soso cool :3 <3 alsso there might be some speling errors n bad grammer n stuff but ur the editor guy i think so u can fix all that 4 me!!
thx so much for reading u can email me with my million dollar check at kittyloveruwu@gmail.com

byeee <333
kittylover uwu

 

[Anonymous]

I haz book. Ya wan?

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

Meet Carrie Trotter. The heroine of my YA fantasy series.

You're welcome! And boy, is this your lucky day, because I have chosen you out of thousands I could have done to represent me on this project.

People have told me the idea really resonates with them and, by the way, they are all in awe of my literary genius. Beta readers, that's my mum, dad and aunt Irene all say it's the best book they have ever read, and perhaps I should just point out aunt Irene has a library ticket and gets all sorts of books. She knows stuff. Need I say any more? No. Exactly.

So here's the pitch: Carrie is an orphan who doesn't suss she's a witch with special powers until some big giant fella shows up to tell her she's going to a fancy magic school in a castle. I envisage we could likely milk at least seven books out of this set-up.

Lots of really amazing stuff that I haven't quite figured out yet happens to her (but don't panic as it will be brilliant. I'm really good at this kind of thing. Honest.).

So let's talk business. I know your rate is normally 15%. Well. I'm afraid that's a 'no' from me, but I'll let you have it for a flat 5% (no points though) and believe me, I'm robbing myself here. The only stipulation is that I want it placed with Penguin Random House or another one of the biggies. I don't want any small so-called indies, art house publishers or that kind of thing. Let's face it, their sales figures are rubbish.

I think the possibilities for film rights are amazing too, so pretty soon you can get rid of that silly little Fiat 500 and buy yourself a decent swanky motor like a Rolls Royce or Porsche.

I need an immediate yes or no, so you need to get back to me by 4.30pm today with a firm deal or I'm afraid you've missed the boat and I'll be offering it to someone else.

A. J. Strolling.

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent.

I worked so hard on this. I worked hours, days, months, years in fact. I sweated, cursed, cried. I typed and typed and typed until my nails were worn to nothing. (Imagine what it's like to go without nail extensions all this time.) I just kept going. I never stopped for Christmas, I missed my parents' ruby wedding anniversary, my gran's funeral, my sister's wedding and 5 deliveries from Amazon. I nearly missed the birth of my own child.

Please. At least read the first paragraph.

Thanks

Agatha Hadenough

 

[Anonymous]

Dear agent,

You may have never won the lottery before but today you just have in a manner of speaking. Why, because I'm attaching the manuscript for my novel Klingons on Uranus. A piece of Sci-fi genius at 350k words.

Forget Asimov, H.G Wells, Arthur C. Clarke and all the rest of those guys. Their stuff is like a 10 dime comic book compared to mine. The depth and sheer intensity of my world and its story will take your breath away - unless you're wearing a space suit. Relax, you can get them secondhand on eBay.

So what are you waiting for? My number is at the bottom of the email. Let's get talking.

Isaac Hazemoff

 

[Anonymous]

Dear agent

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAS

Thanks

Arthur Wrights

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent,

I heard you are simply the best! We're a match made in Heaven. Why? Because I am the best too. And when you sell my manuscript, we'll make millions.

Best,

Perfect Author

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Special Agent,

I am approaching you for representation because my extensive research suggests that you, your most successful client The Cleaning Princess, and I share an interest in origami cats. I was SO pleased to see that!

When Cara Bella, a 16-years-old school student, sees Dr Falconheimer, her Physics teacher, disappear before her eyes, no one believes her. But, by the following day, her life is about to change irretrievably, in nasty ways she could never have imagined...

‘The Dragon Mystique’ (complete at 150,000 w, with series potential) is a new adult romantic fantasy, a love story between an ordinary girl school student and the young inventor of a parallel universe exploration craft, who turns out to be a top male model and a vampire. Together they must fight the evil Dr Falconheimer to secure the future of the world.

‘The Dragon Mystique’ is my debut novel. Writing it was possible only after I gave up on trying to instil any of the Principles of Mechanics into 5C on Friday afternoons and instead encouraged them to carve fantasy romances into the lids of their desks. I hope to retire from teaching soon.

Please find in the attached envelope two origami cats. The larger, brown paper one, when unfolded will prove to contain the first three chapters of ‘The Dragon Mystique’. The tiny, pale pink one, will reveal the full synopsis you asked for. I hope you like them. (Perhaps my next book could be 'Origami Cat Creation'...?)

Or, boring, I can email them.

Fingers crossed!

Very best regards,
Catty Cuddles
(Clair Falconheimer)

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Agent

Thank you very much for being open to submissions.

Unfortunately, on this occasion I have decided not to submit my novel to you. This is in no way a reflection on your work as agent. There's much to like about your agency. However, I simply don't love it enough and therefore don't feel you're the right person to champion my work. I'm sorry to say that on this occasion, I will not take this further, and I've decided to submit my first three chapters and synopsis to other agents instead.

Please do not be discouraged by this. Another author may very well feel very different about your agency, so please continue accept subs from other authors.

I wish you all the so best for your career.

Kind regards

A. Thor

 

[Emily]

CONGRATULATIONS @Claire G and @Barbara, our July joint winners, for your bad-but-brilliant sub letters We've all been inspired!!!!

Claire's entry is HERE

and

Barbara's entry is HERE

Well done! Enjoy gorging yourself with the finest Litopi-cake in the sunshine (I hope, wherever you are )

 

[Jonny]

Well done @Claire G & @Barbara . Loved 'em both.

 

[Barbara]

Oooh, thank you. And congrats to my co-winner, @Claire G