Internal dialogue

[Pamela Jo]

Something that I'm just beginning to explore. Anyone else got any good references. Internal is harder to do right, maybe than even normal discourse?

https://www.janefriedman.com/intern...pW4mahHxuMjOrRd2rPQof4J9Mtv4vOgMHqcLJyscBk0_M

 

[Serra K]

Thanks for sharing this, I found it helpful. Don't have any references for you unfortunately. Internal dialogue is easier for me than normal discourse. Conversation is not something I have a lot of practice with lol, one of the downsides of being a loner.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

Thanks for sharing this, I found it helpful. Don't have any references for you unfortunately. Internal dialogue is easier for me than normal discourse. Conversation is not something I have a lot of practice with lol, one of the downsides of being a loner.

I'm the same. I spend a lot of time on my own and find internal dialogue easier. My present WIP is in 1st person so there's a lot of internal dialogue in it (first draft).

 

[izi 出久]

External dialogue... I have a vast repertoire of sibling fights to pull from. Sometimes with internal dialogue, I find myself slipping into the narrator's voice. Oops. Need to give him some more chapters, eventually.

 

[Brayati]

If you're sticking to a close POV, then most, if not all, the narrative is interactions with the world through internalisation. Don't think of it as thinking done by the character; take how you think in your own mind and ask if you can look into their mind as they think. They don't 'think to themselves', they respond in the immediate moment with the thought, feeling, etc., usually followed by a decision, or an action.
There are seven (I think) levels of narration: action (sensory: see, hear, smell, taste, feel – intuit (there are more)), dialogue (spoken), emotion, description (sensory: what the character experiences and how), flashback (or backflash, single sentence backstory), summary (and exposition and static (not from POV) description; events not in the immediate moment of the story), and all of these things can be internalised.

 

[JohnBertel]

Thanks for sharing!

I esp think this variant is very helpful. Though, as I read the writer of the article, the direct inner thought would usually be (more clearly)present tense.

Saturday night came, and still Sheila didn’t call. Marco sat at the window, drumming his fingers on the gritty sill. I should hold up that liquor store tonight, I really should, he thought. Be something to do, anyway. He had his knife.

Question: if the direct internal thought is a question how would it best be punctuated?

Should I hold up that liquor store, he thought.
Should I hold up that liquor store? he thought.
Should I hold up that liquor store? He thought.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

Thanks for sharing!

I esp think this variant is very helpful. Though, as I read the writer of the article, the direct inner thought would usually be (more clearly)present tense.



Question: if the direct internal thought is a question how would it best be punctuated?

Should I hold up that liquor store, he thought.
Should I hold up that liquor store? he thought.
Should I hold up that liquor store? He thought.

2 is correct. 1 is universally accepted. 3 is incorrect.

I prefer internal thoughts without the "he thought" which tends to be distancing. If you need to distinguish who is thinking you could use an action beat.
He opened the drawer. Should I hold up the liquor store? He Stared at his gun.

I prefer the clarity of italics. It's just a personal style choice though.
He opened the drawer. Should I hold up the liquor store? He stared at his gun.

 

[izi 出久]

I prefer the clarity of italics. It's just a personal style choice though.
He opened the drawer. Should I hold up the liquor store? He stared at his gun.

I'm happiest with:

He opened the drawer. Should he hold up the liquor store? He stared at his gun.

I know not everyone is. For some reason this one makes me feel closest to the POV because all of it becomes, in a way, internal.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

I'm happiest with:

He opened the drawer. Should he hold up the liquor store? He stared at his gun.

I know not everyone is. For some reason this one makes me feel closest to the POV because all of it becomes, in a way, internal.

I use both first and third person (if it's third person POV) when writing internal dialogue. The suitability of each, I find, depends on the context. When I use third person, I would never put it in italics. Only for first person.

 

[JohnBertel]

He opened the drawer. Should he hold up the liquor store? He stared at his gun.

I know not everyone is. For some reason this one makes me feel closest to the POV because all of it becomes, in a way, internal

It also seems the closest POV to me, and that is how I myself try to write.

But I was thinking that if 1) if you have a block of this with no dialogue and 2) one of the lines is very close to a fully formed thought, then it could be a good 'pop' to write that line as a direct thought, esp because it would be in the present tense.

On the other hand, would it confuse readers by making them think: if this is the character's thought, does that mean the other stuff is told by (gasp!) an omniscient narrator?

Have to try it, obviously, and keep my eyes open when I read.

 

[Dorm Ant]

I write some of the character's thoughts as direct thoughts, in italics, and narrate/tell other thoughts. When the balance is right, it's easy to read. The direct thoughts are quick, urgent or very emotional ones. Here's an example from the first meeting of my main protag and his handler at the charity:

‘Are you on social media?’ Sally asked.

Oh, as if!

‘No.’

‘Because?’

Ross sighed. When would she get to the point? ‘Because social media is for people who like broadcasting everything they do. Where they are, who they’re with, what they’re friggin’ eating… People with no boundaries, basically.’

‘Whereas you live a more private life.’ Sally grinned. ‘Which is perfect for us. For an undercover job, I mean.’

Ross nodded. OK, she got him.

 

[JohnBertel]

Thanks, @RG Worsey!
That certainly works And I get why you use italics instead of he thought. I'm going to try this!

 

[Bloo]

I use italics for internal dialogue. It's another tool in a writer's toolbox. I can clearly differentiate between a characters thoughts and the narrator (I aim for a strong narrative voice).

It also gives me the freedom to have a POV character consider what another character is saying in real time.

*****

Darryl took a sip of whiskey. Smoky sweetness filled his nose as he let the light brown spirit linger on his palate. He swallowed slowly; his throat welcomed the mild burn.

Here we go.

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but do you have you any news about Arecibo?”

“Actually, I do.” Max put down his phone and drank some water before continuing. “Your…uh…work at Green Bank has impressed a lot of people.”

Uh oh.

“In fact, your reputation is what sealed the grant approval.”

Atkins be damned, a proper shit sandwich starts with bread.

“The selection panel recognized your ability to manage with limited resources.”

Cheese, lettuce, tomatoes.

“Your attention to detail is beyond question.”

Onions, mushrooms, mustard.

“Everyone appreciates all the effort you put in.”

Mayonnaise - I fucking hate mayonnaise.

“While you have proven to be a valuable asset…”

Chips and a pickle.

“…the panel concluded your qualifications and experience are not a good fit for the Director of Radiotelescope Studies at this time."

And there it is - the shit.

 

[Pamela Jo]

Thanks for sharing!

I esp think this variant is very helpful. Though, as I read the writer of the article, the direct inner thought would usually be (more clearly)present tense.



Question: if the direct internal thought is a question how would it best be punctuated?

Should I hold up that liquor store, he thought.
Should I hold up that liquor store? he thought.
Should I hold up that liquor store? He thought.

Oh, bugger. Would it be
Should I hold up that liquor store. he thought?
How about? He asked himself, should i hold up that liquor store?

 

[izi 出久]

2 is correct. 1 is universally accepted. 3 is incorrect.

I prefer internal thoughts without the "he thought" which tends to be distancing. If you need to distinguish who is thinking you could use an action beat.
He opened the drawer. Should I hold up the liquor store? He Stared at his gun.

I prefer the clarity of italics. It's just a personal style choice though.
He opened the drawer. Should I hold up the liquor store? He stared at his gun.

@Pamela Jo I think @Hannah F summed it up nicely.