Help Please! Indirect quotes

Do you use Submittable?

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DustinMax

Basic
Mar 7, 2018
Leicester
Hello,

I'm writing a short story for my kids. I am wondering if the way I have written the POV character remembering what happened to him in the morning works grammatically in the paragraph that follows. I believe If I am not directly quoting another character I can write the following;

It helped Trevor to remember when he creased up his face, so he scrunched it really hard. He remembered eating Corn Flakes while Dad paced backwards and forwards with the crying baby. We're going to be late Dad would say every few steps. He recalled getting dressed, but not being able to find matching socks. We're going to be late Dad said over and over again as he emptied the contents of the dryer on the kitchen floor, hunting for a second grey sock. Trevor remembered: Dad saying no to TV; there was not enough time, no to toast, there was not enough time, that he would have to do PE in his shoes as Dad could only find one plimsole and there was not enough time to search for the other one. Trevor remembered lots of things about this morning. He thought he remembered everything, but he had no idea where he had left his lunchbox.

Does the above work?
 
When Trevor creased his face, it helped him to remember. So, he scrunched it really hard.

He remembered eating Corn Flakes while Dad paced backwards and forwards with the crying baby.

We're going to be late Dad said every few steps.

He recalled getting dressed, but not being able to find matching socks.

We're going to be late Dad repeated over and over again as he emptied the contents of the dryer on the kitchen floor, hunting for a second grey sock.

Trevor remembered Dad said no to TV; there was not enough time. No toast--there was not enough time. He would have to do PE in his shoes as Dad could only find one plimsole and... there was not enough time to search for the other one.

Trevor remembered lots of things about this morning. He thought he'd remembered everything, but he had no idea where he'd left his lunchbox.

**That's how I would do it but it's not necessarily correct.**
 
Hello,

I'm writing a short story for my kids. I am wondering if the way I have written the POV character remembering what happened to him in the morning works grammatically in the paragraph that follows. I believe If I am not directly quoting another character I can write the following;

It helped Trevor to remember when he creased up his face, so he scrunched it really hard. He remembered eating Corn Flakes while Dad paced backwards and forwards with the crying baby. We're going to be late Dad would say every few steps. He recalled getting dressed, but not being able to find matching socks. We're going to be late Dad said over and over again as he emptied the contents of the dryer on the kitchen floor, hunting for a second grey sock. Trevor remembered: Dad saying no to TV; there was not enough time, no to toast, there was not enough time, that he would have to do PE in his shoes as Dad could only find one plimsole and there was not enough time to search for the other one. Trevor remembered lots of things about this morning. He thought he remembered everything, but he had no idea where he had left his lunchbox.

Does the above work?
It does for me. I enjoy this kind of writing, and although the multi-paragraph version suggested by Amber is clearer, I still prefer the single paragraph which makes you work a bit harder.
 
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