31. Coriolanus
It appears that Ancient Romans liked nothing better than a guy with big muscles, a bloody sword, and some serious anger issues.
Cue lots of ‘heroic’ (for which read pointlessly stupid) battles, interspersed with some pretty snappy dialogue.
Coriolanus himself is like an eighties action hero. I’m not sure how he managed to acquire a wife and kids because he seems both unwilling, and unable, to have a chat with anyone without turning it into a fight.
And, Ok, I know this results in him being banished from Rome, but dude, wounded pride is NOT a good enough reason to wage war on the city where all your friends, your mum, your wife, AND YOUR KIDS live.
So it’s score ten for soldiering, Coriolanus, but score minus about a gazillion for being a dad.
Was I sorry when he got the chop at the end of the play? No, not really, because I didn’t particularly like him or anyone in it (apart from his mum: who single-handedly stopped one of his endless sodding wars, and who I was also a little bit scared of).
6/10
32. Timon of Athens
A rich guy is kind, generous, a bit of a party animal, and stupid as fuck when it comes to spotting parasites and gold-diggers.
Gold-diggers promptly bleed him dry, because rich guy is not paying any attention to his advisers (too busy partying).
So rich guy is now poor guy, and asks his ‘friends’ for help who - surprise, surprise - all say no.
Poor guy ends up living in a cave and hating all mankind.
Plot twist (or so I thought) - poor guy digs up gold!
What will happen now? Will he return, older but wiser? Will he start a new life elsewhere, with people he can trust and a cat called Bob?
Er, no. He gives the gold away, still hates everybody, and then dies.
So, some good dialogue and a pretty impressive rant or two, and this -my new favourite insult - ‘Live loathed and long’.
But other than that, is a bit meh.
4/10
33. Pericles
Well, this is creepily weird little play, where Shakespeare appears to have had a go at porn.
What he’s ended up with is the secret love child of a Mills & Boon bodice-ripper and a rather unsavoury pantomime.
When it kicks off with incest, on line 26, you know it’s never really going to recover.
And, even though the dad and daughter that are doing the nasty get burnt to a crisp by lightening, it really doesn’t help.
Pericles himself has so many bad experiences on board ship (many storms, a shipwreck, his wife going into labour and dying) that he is the equivalent of a dead albatross. If he wasn’t the King, I suspect no boat would take him anywhere.
Of course, the dead wife has to be sealed into a coffin, quicksmart, and lobbed overboard to appease the storm Gods. Then she washes ashore and gets bought back to life by Miracle Max - because she’s only been dead for five hours (how do they know?) - and that’s not stretching credibility at all, noooo.
Once recovered, does she send a message to her hubby, saying ‘hello sweetie - guess who’s back?’ Nope. Just fecks off to a nunnery, and I’ve genuinely no idea why.
His new baby daughter gets sent off to live with strangers, until she’s fourteen - again, no clue as to the reasoning here.
And she, it seems, is as bad a catastrophe-magnet as her dad.
Her adoptive mum orders a henchman to murder her, but she gets kidnapped by pirates instead (I promise you this is still Shakespeare, and I haven’t picked up another book), and then sold to a brothel.
And now there’s a lot of talk, AND I MEAN A LOT OF TALK, about who’s going to rape her into submission, and when they’re going to do it. At this point I was starting to dread turning the page.
Although there’s an all round ‘happy ever after’ ending, I still felt rather unclean and in need of a shower.
2/10 because subject matter.
34. Cymbeline
This play is completely, utterly, and totally bonkers.
First off, we have a proper wicked stepmother/evil queen and her slithery, thick as a plank son.
We have a King who’s under the thumb of the aforementioned queen, and his daughter, a Disney-style princess of unparalleled beauty and goodness.
And then, to complete the set, we have an honest, brave and handsome hero.
Now add in some potions that are supposed to be lethal, plenty of banishments, a war that needs starting with Caesar, and a sleazy Italian that will do anything to win a bet, and you’re just starting to get the idea.
That should be enough for anybody, but wait - there’s more!
We also have a couple of princes stolen at birth, and raised in my favourite stage direction so far: ‘Wales: a mountainous country with a cave.’ Just the one cave, then?
But Wales, you say? In the plays so far we’ve been as far afield as the Greek Islands, Turkey, Venice, Rome, Milan, Verona and Paris. We’ve spent time in the fantasy forest of Arden and the land of Illyria.
And now, suddenly ......... Milford Haven. I’m not even joking.
Here’s the text that proves it: ‘how far it is to this same blessed Milford: and, by the way, tell me how Wales was made so happy as t’inherit such a haven’. To which there is really no answer.
And then the weird gets ramped up further by the appearance of a whole family of ghosts, and a quick visit from the God, Jupiter.
I don’t know if Billy Boy was stoned when he wrote this, and I don’t care. I’m just glad he did.
A strong 7/10
35. A Winter’s Tale
I thought I’d done all the bad dads in Shakespeare, but nope - here’s another one.
Leontes starts off nice, and he’s all ‘this my bestie, great dude, love him to bits’ about Polixenes.
Then, literally within seconds, he goes completely batshit and it’s all ‘my wife’s been unfaithful, so kill anyone who says otherwise, they’re all wrong, it’s fake news, oh and chuck my new-born daughter into the fire (WTF?) cos I’m sure I’m not the baby-daddy. And yes, I know I’ve got no proof or even reason to think so, but I don’t care. Fuck ‘em.’
And then - after he’s lost his daughter, his wife and his son to ... plot convenience? … he’s all ‘oops, my bad’. I mean, EXCUSE ME? Shouldn't someone be darting onto the stage round about now with a nice, white, strappy, huggy-jacket?
However, the bit that really pisses me off is when the ‘happy ever after’ finally comes, the bit we’ve all been waiting for - and it’s just three guys (who don’t even rate names) that wander into the stage and describe what happened.
The bastards tell us that it was so moving they almost shed a tear. But we don’t get to see/hear that: so no tears for us then.
For one brief and surreal moment we have Antigonus (who’s just dumped the baby) getting to ‘exit, pursued by a bear.’ But it’s just not enough, sorry.
2/10
It appears that Ancient Romans liked nothing better than a guy with big muscles, a bloody sword, and some serious anger issues.
Cue lots of ‘heroic’ (for which read pointlessly stupid) battles, interspersed with some pretty snappy dialogue.
Coriolanus himself is like an eighties action hero. I’m not sure how he managed to acquire a wife and kids because he seems both unwilling, and unable, to have a chat with anyone without turning it into a fight.
And, Ok, I know this results in him being banished from Rome, but dude, wounded pride is NOT a good enough reason to wage war on the city where all your friends, your mum, your wife, AND YOUR KIDS live.
So it’s score ten for soldiering, Coriolanus, but score minus about a gazillion for being a dad.
Was I sorry when he got the chop at the end of the play? No, not really, because I didn’t particularly like him or anyone in it (apart from his mum: who single-handedly stopped one of his endless sodding wars, and who I was also a little bit scared of).
6/10
32. Timon of Athens
A rich guy is kind, generous, a bit of a party animal, and stupid as fuck when it comes to spotting parasites and gold-diggers.
Gold-diggers promptly bleed him dry, because rich guy is not paying any attention to his advisers (too busy partying).
So rich guy is now poor guy, and asks his ‘friends’ for help who - surprise, surprise - all say no.
Poor guy ends up living in a cave and hating all mankind.
Plot twist (or so I thought) - poor guy digs up gold!
What will happen now? Will he return, older but wiser? Will he start a new life elsewhere, with people he can trust and a cat called Bob?
Er, no. He gives the gold away, still hates everybody, and then dies.
So, some good dialogue and a pretty impressive rant or two, and this -my new favourite insult - ‘Live loathed and long’.
But other than that, is a bit meh.
4/10
33. Pericles
Well, this is creepily weird little play, where Shakespeare appears to have had a go at porn.
What he’s ended up with is the secret love child of a Mills & Boon bodice-ripper and a rather unsavoury pantomime.
When it kicks off with incest, on line 26, you know it’s never really going to recover.
And, even though the dad and daughter that are doing the nasty get burnt to a crisp by lightening, it really doesn’t help.
Pericles himself has so many bad experiences on board ship (many storms, a shipwreck, his wife going into labour and dying) that he is the equivalent of a dead albatross. If he wasn’t the King, I suspect no boat would take him anywhere.
Of course, the dead wife has to be sealed into a coffin, quicksmart, and lobbed overboard to appease the storm Gods. Then she washes ashore and gets bought back to life by Miracle Max - because she’s only been dead for five hours (how do they know?) - and that’s not stretching credibility at all, noooo.
Once recovered, does she send a message to her hubby, saying ‘hello sweetie - guess who’s back?’ Nope. Just fecks off to a nunnery, and I’ve genuinely no idea why.
His new baby daughter gets sent off to live with strangers, until she’s fourteen - again, no clue as to the reasoning here.
And she, it seems, is as bad a catastrophe-magnet as her dad.
Her adoptive mum orders a henchman to murder her, but she gets kidnapped by pirates instead (I promise you this is still Shakespeare, and I haven’t picked up another book), and then sold to a brothel.
And now there’s a lot of talk, AND I MEAN A LOT OF TALK, about who’s going to rape her into submission, and when they’re going to do it. At this point I was starting to dread turning the page.
Although there’s an all round ‘happy ever after’ ending, I still felt rather unclean and in need of a shower.
2/10 because subject matter.
34. Cymbeline
This play is completely, utterly, and totally bonkers.
First off, we have a proper wicked stepmother/evil queen and her slithery, thick as a plank son.
We have a King who’s under the thumb of the aforementioned queen, and his daughter, a Disney-style princess of unparalleled beauty and goodness.
And then, to complete the set, we have an honest, brave and handsome hero.
Now add in some potions that are supposed to be lethal, plenty of banishments, a war that needs starting with Caesar, and a sleazy Italian that will do anything to win a bet, and you’re just starting to get the idea.
That should be enough for anybody, but wait - there’s more!
We also have a couple of princes stolen at birth, and raised in my favourite stage direction so far: ‘Wales: a mountainous country with a cave.’ Just the one cave, then?
But Wales, you say? In the plays so far we’ve been as far afield as the Greek Islands, Turkey, Venice, Rome, Milan, Verona and Paris. We’ve spent time in the fantasy forest of Arden and the land of Illyria.
And now, suddenly ......... Milford Haven. I’m not even joking.
Here’s the text that proves it: ‘how far it is to this same blessed Milford: and, by the way, tell me how Wales was made so happy as t’inherit such a haven’. To which there is really no answer.
And then the weird gets ramped up further by the appearance of a whole family of ghosts, and a quick visit from the God, Jupiter.
I don’t know if Billy Boy was stoned when he wrote this, and I don’t care. I’m just glad he did.
A strong 7/10
35. A Winter’s Tale
I thought I’d done all the bad dads in Shakespeare, but nope - here’s another one.
Leontes starts off nice, and he’s all ‘this my bestie, great dude, love him to bits’ about Polixenes.
Then, literally within seconds, he goes completely batshit and it’s all ‘my wife’s been unfaithful, so kill anyone who says otherwise, they’re all wrong, it’s fake news, oh and chuck my new-born daughter into the fire (WTF?) cos I’m sure I’m not the baby-daddy. And yes, I know I’ve got no proof or even reason to think so, but I don’t care. Fuck ‘em.’
And then - after he’s lost his daughter, his wife and his son to ... plot convenience? … he’s all ‘oops, my bad’. I mean, EXCUSE ME? Shouldn't someone be darting onto the stage round about now with a nice, white, strappy, huggy-jacket?
However, the bit that really pisses me off is when the ‘happy ever after’ finally comes, the bit we’ve all been waiting for - and it’s just three guys (who don’t even rate names) that wander into the stage and describe what happened.
The bastards tell us that it was so moving they almost shed a tear. But we don’t get to see/hear that: so no tears for us then.
For one brief and surreal moment we have Antigonus (who’s just dumped the baby) getting to ‘exit, pursued by a bear.’ But it’s just not enough, sorry.
2/10
