Armed with my trusty bookmarks, James T. Kirk, and Mr Spock, I set out to read the Complete Works of Shakespeare, to spare you all the bother of doing it yourselves. Thought you might enjoy/agree/disagree/recoil in horror at my findings.
1. Henry VI part 1
Right. This is mostly stupid men arguing. Sometimes with weapons, sometimes not. But, either way, just lots of male posturing. The Kirk looked embarrassed as we read it. Joan of Arc only one with any balls (no surprise there). And Henry kinda nailed it when he said, ‘Good Lord, what madness rules in brain-sick men.’ I’m with you there, Hal.
Overall, 3/10.
2. Henry VI part 2
Probably best described as medieval Eastenders. Most face-to-face meetings are some variation on, ‘come on then, if you think yer ‘ard enough’.
Everything else is people plotting to murder other people behind their backs, without the help of the speed trap that is Albert Square.
On the up side, two pubs are mentioned by name (although not the Queen Vic). And it contains this line (which almost gained it another point) - “his breath stinks with eating toasted cheese.” Another poetic cracker from our Will.
Still, only 2/10.
3. Henry VI part 3
The whole story is this: everyone wants to be King. Everyone. Fuck if I know why, cos it’s a shitty job. Is the equivalent of walking into a bar full of drunk Trump supporters and shouting, ‘Your boss is an over-rated, orange, cock-womble.’
Although the Kirk was about ready to kill him, Henry comes across as quite a decent, peaceable chap. Is unfortunate that he’s born right in the middle of the Wars of the Roses. Tough break, Hal.
Talking of unfortunate, there’s a character in the play called Lady Bona! I can’t even!
2/10
4. Richard III. Oh yes.
For starters, this man isn’t just having a winter of discontent: he’s clearly had a miserable spring, an infuriating summer, and an incandescent rage-inducing autumn.
And this dude has issues. From the moment he slithers onto the stage, like the child-catcher in Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, he announces his evil intentions.
His rationale goes something like this: - Mother Nature made me plug ugly, ergo what I really need to do is kill all my living relatives. Sorry, what?
I think this may actually be Shakespeare’s first pantomime, because there are plenty of Boo Hiss moments as he tells the audience what dastardly deed he’s gonna do next.
There are untold cries of, ‘off with his head,’ and even one, ‘he’s behind you!’
Plus, two characters simply called First Murderer and Second Murderer. I rest my case.
In other news, James Blunt makes an appearance, which is a bit random.
And there is actually a time in the evening called cock-shut time. I know many of you will want to remember that.
Overall, 5/10, mainly for Queen Margaret’s cursing.
5. Titus Andronicus
Oh, that is just disgusting!
0/10. Or less
1. Henry VI part 1
Right. This is mostly stupid men arguing. Sometimes with weapons, sometimes not. But, either way, just lots of male posturing. The Kirk looked embarrassed as we read it. Joan of Arc only one with any balls (no surprise there). And Henry kinda nailed it when he said, ‘Good Lord, what madness rules in brain-sick men.’ I’m with you there, Hal.
Overall, 3/10.
2. Henry VI part 2
Probably best described as medieval Eastenders. Most face-to-face meetings are some variation on, ‘come on then, if you think yer ‘ard enough’.
Everything else is people plotting to murder other people behind their backs, without the help of the speed trap that is Albert Square.
On the up side, two pubs are mentioned by name (although not the Queen Vic). And it contains this line (which almost gained it another point) - “his breath stinks with eating toasted cheese.” Another poetic cracker from our Will.
Still, only 2/10.
3. Henry VI part 3
The whole story is this: everyone wants to be King. Everyone. Fuck if I know why, cos it’s a shitty job. Is the equivalent of walking into a bar full of drunk Trump supporters and shouting, ‘Your boss is an over-rated, orange, cock-womble.’
Although the Kirk was about ready to kill him, Henry comes across as quite a decent, peaceable chap. Is unfortunate that he’s born right in the middle of the Wars of the Roses. Tough break, Hal.
Talking of unfortunate, there’s a character in the play called Lady Bona! I can’t even!
2/10
4. Richard III. Oh yes.
For starters, this man isn’t just having a winter of discontent: he’s clearly had a miserable spring, an infuriating summer, and an incandescent rage-inducing autumn.
And this dude has issues. From the moment he slithers onto the stage, like the child-catcher in Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, he announces his evil intentions.
His rationale goes something like this: - Mother Nature made me plug ugly, ergo what I really need to do is kill all my living relatives. Sorry, what?
I think this may actually be Shakespeare’s first pantomime, because there are plenty of Boo Hiss moments as he tells the audience what dastardly deed he’s gonna do next.
There are untold cries of, ‘off with his head,’ and even one, ‘he’s behind you!’
Plus, two characters simply called First Murderer and Second Murderer. I rest my case.
In other news, James Blunt makes an appearance, which is a bit random.
And there is actually a time in the evening called cock-shut time. I know many of you will want to remember that.
Overall, 5/10, mainly for Queen Margaret’s cursing.
5. Titus Andronicus
Oh, that is just disgusting!
0/10. Or less
