Help Please! Competition entry - 2,000 words

[David Steele]

Hi gang

Please see here for my entry to the Writers and Artists competition.

The competition asks for the first 2,000 words of your crime novel / thriller, so I've gone back to a book I wrote a while ago to see if it generates any interest.

I'd be really grateful for any feedback you might offer before the deadline so I can do some last minute tinkering. Please be aware this document contains a couple of F Bombs.

Also, I'll delete the file in a week or so, so apologies in advance if you get a 404.

If you haven't entered the competition yet, you'll find a link here.

Many thanks - David

 

[Marc Joan]

I read it, thanks. I don't have the time to do a line by line commentary, so please forgive the somewhat short and generalised response. Basically, I thought it was well done: punchy and evocative. It is clear that you're a skilful writer. Changing between POVs by introducing the character as a sub-heading is an interesting approach. If you maintain this quality throughout, I suspect that you will get interest from publishers.

My only tentative criticisms would be as follows. Firstly, you use lot of urban slang, which made it difficult for me to read quickly and smoothly, as I kept having to work out what was actually being said. (Maybe I've just got old! I'm no longer digging the groove, man!) Secondly, and this is probably more of a reflection on me than on your story, I need to somehow identify with or care about the characters or story to be induced to read beyond the first few pages. This extract didn't give me personally (the opposite will be the case for many others) enough insight into the people or the situation to be intrigued. I didn't feel any connection to them or their wants and needs. But that again could simply be an age / background thing - I am probably not part of your target market.

Hope this helps!

 

[David Steele]

Good call, Marc. Thank you for reading.
I hadn't really thought about the lack of empathy in this sequence because as the story continues, you get a lot of that. You're right, though, there's nothing in this sample to get that across.
As for digging the groove - I'm with you there! Having never been in a nightclub this is all made up from my idea of what a club should be like. . There are expressions used here that make sense only in the context of the bigger story, such as exactly what the "ticket" is, and what Troy being a "blue boy" is all about.
Top feedback - I'll have a think...

 

[Karen Gray]

Just a tip. Don't indent the 1st paragraph - EVER. away to actually read it now

 

[Emurelda]

Just a tip. Don't indent the 1st paragraph - EVER. away to actually read it now

Ooops...really?

 

[Karen Gray]

Yup. No indent at the start of a chapter or after a section break. It's considered untidy x

 

[David Steele]

I never knew that.​

 

[Karen Gray]

Happy un-birthday... have some random knowledge

Haha by the way!