what'dya think?

[Trey]

His daughter could save the world. His world.
Humans will suffer. Humans like her.
or
His kid/daughter could save the world. His world.
The evolution of humans – humans like her – will end.

 

[dsf1978]

I strongly prefer the first one to the second, and I like it in an absolute sense.

 

[MattScho]

Humans will suffer. Humans like her.

This can really be misunderstood.
Humans will suffer. Well, a reader can think, that sounds bad.
Humans like her. Hmm, a reader could think, that's nice, I suppose. It's good to be liked. But what does that have to do with the suffering

 

[Trey]

Humans will suffer. Humans like her.

This can really be misunderstood.
Humans will suffer. Well, a reader can think, that sounds bad.
Humans like her. Hmm, a reader could think, that's nice, I suppose. It's good to be liked. But what does that have to do with the suffering

Even in this context?

 

[Trey]

Even in this context?

I guess i could clarify with this, but not sure it's as punchy:

His daughter could save the world. His world.
Humans - like her - will suffer.
or
Humans will suffer. And she's one of them.

Does this tickle your fancy @MattScho ?

 

[Pamela Jo]

Even in this context?

At first read I understood like in that sense to be "I "like" like you. I sort of get this because I think I know which story this is to. But a cold reading I cant sort it.


His world, or hers? The child he loves can save only one. Should it be earth?. Or his?

The child he loves can save only one world. Should it be earth? Or his?

He loves his human daughter, but she was born to save his planet. And that will destroy her.

(not sure that's right-but it's not journalism. You can fudge the facts a bit. Nobody's going to complain if the story isnt exactly the blurb.)

 

[Pamela Jo]

The child he loves can save only one world. Should it be earth? Or his?

He loves his human daughter, but she was born to save his planet. And that will destroy her.

(not sure that's right-but it's not journalism. You can fudge the facts a bit. Nobody's going to complain if the story isnt exactly the blurb.)

 

[Trey]

That’s what i am realising. Thanks x

 

[Ed Simnett]

I am not sure what (avoidable?) peril we are supposed to be worried about and/or what difficult choice our protag is faced with?

"Rishi Sunak can save the world" is quite a different statement from "Sacrificing Rishi Sunak can save the world"

 

[LJ Beck]

I guess i could clarify with this, but not sure it's as punchy:

His daughter could save the world. His world.
Humans - like her - will suffer.
or
Humans will suffer. And she's one of them.

Does this tickle your fancy @MattScho ?

Or… Humans will suffer… including her.

 

[Hannah F]

The first one is punchy but not grabby. If you're aiming for a pitch, it gives me too little to know what I'd be reading. If you're aiming for a front page tagline, it's too long, imo.

 

[Peyton Stafford]

Or… Humans will suffer… including her.

This would be the subjunctive case, so "Humans would suffer" might make it clearer.

 

[Claire G]

His daughter could save the world. His world.
Humans will suffer. Humans like her.

Hi Trey,

I prefer this one because it's punchier, but the link between the top line and the bottom isn't clear. Maybe adding 'but' at the start of the second line would help, if that's the relationship?

Claire xx