Help Please! The Badger Stratagem

[AgentPete]

So I found a dead badger a couple of weeks ago in the woods. He was a really big male, and his head had been chewed off by… something or other. I don’t know what would do that. Badgers are our largest carnivores, they have no natural predators.

The badgers come out at night here. You rarely see them. Sometimes they dig for earthworms, and residents find big holes in their nicely-manicured lawns the next morning.

Badgers love peanuts. I happen to know this because I’ve been feeding them for a few days now. Every evening at dusk I’ll scatter some peanuts around (not salted, please) and also leave a few extra handfuls in a white plastic tub.

The first night, all the peanuts had gone, and the tub was moved about five yards away.

Same thing next night, but the tub was twenty yards away.

Third night, the tub had gone completely.

Fourth night with a new tub – it also disappeared.

So tonight, or tomorrow if the rain doesn’t clear up, I’m going to sit in the woods. These are private woods, protected by yards of brambles and fences. Humans would find it very bloody to gain entry.

I’m going to sit there, with a couple of pockets full of peanuts, and see who turns up.

But I just had a disturbing thought.

What if it’s not badgers?

What if the tables have been turned on me?

Here am I, thinking that I might train a bunch of badgers to take peanuts from me.

Maybe it’s the other way round.

Maybe I’m being trained.

By something.

I may need advice.

What would you do?

 

[mickleinapickle]

A fox probably chewed his head off, though he would have been dead first I reckon. Don't think a fox could better a badger. Squirrels may be scoffing your peanuts.

 

[Vagabond Heart]

Full body armour, a flame-thrower, a torch, your geiger-counter (it's gotta have some use), peanuts, some sacrificial virgins (in case is Hastings dragon), snacks for you (so you don't scoff all the peanuts), flask of mildy hallucinogenic mushroom tea, a good stool, headphones with an audiobook, and you're all set. Keep us posted.

 

[Aethalope]

A camera trap may be your friend here.

 

[Rich.]

mildy hallucinogenic mushroom tea, a good stool,

the one usually leads to the other

--

I second a camera trap. I think you'd have to sit out every night for months before any animal approached you -- unless of course the squirrels are particularly voracious in your area. There isn't a top-sectet research lab nearby, by any chance? Maybe that Geiger counter will come in handy after all...

 

[AgentPete]

There isn't a top-sectet research lab nearby, by any chance? Maybe that Geiger counter will come in handy after all...

So the woods have grown over / around some very old (Victorian) buildings, with an industrial feel. Steampunk vibe. They didn’t do genetic engineering back in those days, did they…?

 

[Rich.]

Victorian, you say? That'll be ghosts, then. Lots of angry ghosts. Good luck, old chap. Tally-ho. Do tell us how you get on.

 

[Hannah Faoileán]

Torch to find your way to your sitting spot then turn it off - the badgers won't like it and your eyes will get used to the dark (though the sound of unseen badgers snuffling through the undergrowth in an abandoned Victorian site would give me the heeby jeebies!). A night vision camera trap will be your best bet but not as much of a hair on the back of the neck lifting experience.

 

[James Charles]

I see a horror story here.... Just come back with your head, Pete.

 

[Aethalope]

Victorian? Someone may have brought an unfortunate souvenir from the far-flung corners of the empire.

Cover all bases. Festoon the camera trap with kaffir lime leaves.

 

[E G Logan]

Do you seriously want to meet something capable of chewing the head off a full-grown badger??