Help Please! Lend me your brain (blurb help).

[Diamond]

I hope it's okay to post this in the pre-houses phase of the colony, but I've been struggling with a book blurb and need your help. Is this blurb working at all? Open to suggestions and radical alterations.


Young Carla Turner's genetic code, future occupation and date of death have all been mapped out by the government, so when her innermost desires go against the plan, she must hide her true nature or risk losing everything.

Fresh out of the academy, she lands a tech job in a hospital that she doesn’t really want, but people who complain against the system tend to disappear, so what can she do? Clara decides to make the best of it and soon discovers a special knack for pulling the memories out of brain damaged patients. As her skills gain recognition from those at the top, she begins to accept her fate until the day a loved one vanishes without a trace.

The trail of clues leads straight into the heart of the Liberty Union Democracy, a nation at war with her own, where Carla uses her tech skills to uncover a terrible secret, one that challenges her deepest convictions and threatens to topple two nations.

An urban thriller with touches of science fiction, (Title Here) draws disturbing parallels to the present. You will never look at genetics the same way again.

 

[Marc Joan]

I am not an expert in fiction writing, I am not published, and I have no experience in writing blurbs; so my opinion counts for nothing. But for what it's worth, my opinion is that your blurb works quite well; I'd be sufficiently intrigued to open the cover and have a flick through. Some minor suggestions, again with the above caveats, would be:

The opening sentence teases a bit too much; I'd like to know a bit more about what she risks losing, how and why; also, if everything is genetically pre-determined [is that the basic concept?], what can she, realistically, do about her 'planned' fate? But perhaps it is your intention to provoke those kinds of questions, in which case you have succeeded.

'Tech job' - Given that I work in biomedical research, I think I know what you mean, but I expect many won't. Perhaps you could clarify a little? Also, you say she 'lands' a tech job, suggesting that she had some choice in the matter, but then imply that she is forced into it by the system. Perhaps saying she "is given" or "has to take" a tech job would be better?

'Terrible secret' is a phrase that, for me, is on the verge of cliche, but I don't know what market you are aiming for; it may be an appropriate expression.

The final sentence doesn't work for me. Most people don't look at genetics at all, ever, and don't really want to; indeed, you might actually put some people off (suspicious reader: hmmmm, this book might contain some heavy Mendelian inheritance jargon and SNP analysis; better stick with the Barbara Cartlands...[OK, I exaggerate, but I'm sure you know what I mean]). Again, I guess it depends what market you are going for. Perhaps replace it with something like: 'A world in which everyone's genetic code is Government property is closer than you might think, and more dangerous than you can imagine...."

Final point: Coming from a biomedical background, I'd just like the blurb to give me a bit more reassurance that the plot at least gets the fundamentals of genetics etc correct; I hate getting into a novel only to be presented with incorrect factoids. But this is just a personal view, and most people won't care one way or another.

 

[K.J. Simmill]

I am not sure of your writing style or target age group so it makes it difficult to make suggestions without detracting from your own style, also I am not published, therefore not really qualified to advise you, but if you don't mind, I can make a few recommendations, I enjoyed reading it, if you are determined to make alterations and feel they are needed this is just my preference for word use, which may not fit with your style or the intended feel of the synopsis at all.

Carla Turner's genetic code, career path and death have all been predetermined by the government, so when her innermost desires go against predictions, she must hide her true nature or risk losing everything.

Fresh out of the academy, she lands a tech job in a hospital (does she land the job or is it predetermined that she will work there? I'm not sure how pre-planned you intend everything to be - if predetermined - something like
'Fresh from the academy she is guided flawlessly into her required role, that of a techie ? , a role that her inner most desires reject with everything that she is, but people who rebel against the system tend to disappear, so what can she do? Clara decides to make the best of it and soon discovers a special knack for pulling the memories from brain damaged patients. As her skills gain recognition, she begins to accept her fate, that is, until the day a loved one vanishes without a trace.

The trail of clues lead straight into the heart of the Liberty Union Democracy, a nation at war with her own. Here (does she infiltrate, if so it may be worth mentioning) Carla uses her skills to uncover a terrible secret, one that challenges her deepest convictions and threatens to topple the two nations.

An urban thriller with just a hint of science fiction, (Title Here) draws disturbing parallels to the present. You will never look at genetics in the same way again.

@Diamond I hope you don't mind the suggestions, as I say this is just my personal preference, it may not work for you at all I enjoyed reading it and it would certainly be enough to get me opening the book and reading a bit. I thought it was well constructed with enough teasers to entice a reader. My alterations only stem from my style of writing .

 

[K.J. Simmill]

@Marc Joan Looks like we were working on a reply at the same time, we have a little cross over
I may have misinterpreted Tech job, as an IT techie I assumed it was that kind of tech, especially with the extraction of memories, but a lab tech or even a combo of the two would make more sense

 

[Katie-Ellen]

It reads well, Diamond, but I think it would read better and stronger with pruning.

For instance:

'Young Carla Turner' becomes 'Carla Turner'

...'have all been mapped out by the government' becomes 'are mapped out by the government'

'The trail of clues' becomes 'The clues'

And so on.

It looks interesting.

 

[Karen Gray]

How I as a dysbraxic person see the blurb. I tend to correct as I read, sometimes substituting full sentences because they make no sense to me (hence why I am very particular about my reading material, I have to be able to read it without too much substitution) SO feel free to discard my warped opinion lol

Young How young is she? It may be better to drop the ‘Young’ Carla Turner's genetic code, her (my brain wants to see a 'her' here lol) future occupation and date of death have all been mapped out by the government, so when her innermost desires go against the plan, she must hide her true nature or risk losing everything.

Fresh out of the academy, she lands a tech job in a hospital that she doesn’t really want, She doesn’t want the hospital? I would maybe say: Fresh out of the academy, she lands a tech job she doesn’t really want in a local hospital (or hospital… wherever it is) but people who complain against the system tend to disappear, my brain keeps substituting rebel for complain, complain doesn’t seem to fit in my mind. so what can she do? I would change this for: In the circumstances, what can she do other than try to make the best of it. Clara decides to give it a go and soon discovers…. Clara decides to make the best of it and soon discovers a special knack for pulling the memories out of brain damaged patients. Think of another way to say brain-damaged, it automatically makes me think of special needs and I will not be the only one who it sits wrong with. I assume you mean comatose, therefore I would use comatose, insensate, insentient or something similar, not brain-damaged. As her skills gain recognition from those at the top, she begins to accept her fate until the day a loved one vanishes without a trace.

The trail of clues leads straight too many s’s my brain automatically removes the s from leads to make it: the clues lead straight into the heart of the Liberty Union Democracy, a nation at war with her own, where Carla uses her tech skills to uncover a terrible secret, one that challenges her deepest convictions and threatens to topple two nations.

An urban thriller with touches of science fiction, (Title Here) draws disturbing parallels to the present. You will never look at genetics the same way again.



Hope this helps even a little xxxx

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Marc; of course your opinion counts. We are all potential customers, which qualifies us all to respond

 

[Katie-Ellen]

A related non- fiction title that some here might know already, or might be interested in: Lamarck's Signature.

 

[Diamond]

I have taken every comment under consideration. My blurb is looking better already.

Marc...I was iffy on that last line from the get go. I'm glad you mentioned how people generally don't look at genetics at all. So true. I might delete the line all together or rework it.

Thank you so much, All. Litopians are the best!