I
He stopped, slowly, one day in high summer
While outside thunder crashed and rain cried foul;
“That’s Mum,” I said. “It’s time for you to go.”
Not that she’d welcome him, I thought.
I’d held his hand through nights and days of pain;
“I love you, son” ; “I Love you, Dad” – we’d said,
Before the long quiet of ragged breaths
And fading strength that led to death.
I didn’t want the nurse’s careful words:
She laid a careful hand across my arm,
Kneeling, silent, and let me cry the tears
I’d never cried in front of him.
The storm gave way to cloying summer sun.
I didn’t think that Mum had really been there;
Though I felt she had, in the storm, with us.
Not that she’d welcome him, I thought.
II
You were a soldier, fearless, brave, fearful and true;
You were also a liar, a coward, a trickster
Who taught me how to be and not to be a father,
Who taught me how far the idolized can fall.
You were the best; and the biggest disappointment;
Always promising: “You can tell me anything.”
But when I told you, it turned out to be nothing.
You could have stayed the course;
You could have caused less hurt,
But – I know – that’s not how life works.
III
In a compartmented life,
The walls come crashing down
When death comes calling.
Love and hate exist together,
But love is best to treat forever,
So don’t you worry, Dad, no don’t.
I love you.
I miss you.
And hate you I won't.
He stopped, slowly, one day in high summer
While outside thunder crashed and rain cried foul;
“That’s Mum,” I said. “It’s time for you to go.”
Not that she’d welcome him, I thought.
I’d held his hand through nights and days of pain;
“I love you, son” ; “I Love you, Dad” – we’d said,
Before the long quiet of ragged breaths
And fading strength that led to death.
I didn’t want the nurse’s careful words:
She laid a careful hand across my arm,
Kneeling, silent, and let me cry the tears
I’d never cried in front of him.
The storm gave way to cloying summer sun.
I didn’t think that Mum had really been there;
Though I felt she had, in the storm, with us.
Not that she’d welcome him, I thought.
II
You were a soldier, fearless, brave, fearful and true;
You were also a liar, a coward, a trickster
Who taught me how to be and not to be a father,
Who taught me how far the idolized can fall.
You were the best; and the biggest disappointment;
Always promising: “You can tell me anything.”
But when I told you, it turned out to be nothing.
You could have stayed the course;
You could have caused less hurt,
But – I know – that’s not how life works.
III
In a compartmented life,
The walls come crashing down
When death comes calling.
Love and hate exist together,
But love is best to treat forever,
So don’t you worry, Dad, no don’t.
I love you.
I miss you.
And hate you I won't.
