Am I crazy?

[Bluma Bezbroda]

Rhetorical question, of course.

Still, is it only me, or there is something off about that paragraph?

"A concussive thump on the roof of the car, and Wolgast knew it was Carter. Carter was on the roof of the Lexus. Wolgast hit the brakes again, sending all of them lurching forward. Carter tumbled onto the hood but held on. Wolgast heard Doyle firing, three quick shots. Wolgast saw a round actually strike Carter in the shoulder, a quick spark of impact. Carter seemed barely to notice."

I'm not looking for a confirmation here, just your opinion.

 

[KG Christopher]

Doyle? is she sitting next to Wolgast?

 

[Marc Joan]

Crazy -- probably. But regarding the text, it does seem a bit all over the place., and some bits make the reader puzzle rather than drawing him in...

 

[Chase Gamwell]

I would describe the paragraph as "wonky".

Perhaps some rewording would make it easier to read?

"There was a concussive thump on the roof of the and Wolgast knew it was Carter. He hit the brakes again and they all lurched forward. Carter tumbled from the roof of the Lexus to the hood, but held on. Wolgast heard Doyle fire three quick shots and saw one round strike Carter in the shoulder. There was a quick spark at impact, but Carter seemed oblivious to the wound."

Something like that might work, maybe, but I wouldn't have written it as it stands. It's way too all over the place like @Marc Joan said.

@David Newrick Personally, I'd combine some sentences and remove others, altogether. You can see what I'd do in the selection above. Personally, I prefer mixing short and long sentences together (though I tend to fall on the side of stringing longer sentences together...I'm working on that...).

 

[Bluma Bezbroda]

Hey guys

Thanks for the answers Now let me explain. This fragment wasn't written by me. It's a paragraph from Justin Cronin's bestselling, praised-to-heaven book "The passage". I liked the book content-wise, but kept wincing time after time at the poor execution. Starting with the fact that apparently there is no other way to wipe your mouth except with the back of ones hand, through scenes so repetitive that I felt deja vu every couple of pages and, finally, fragments like this one.

It was fine. Really. It's a horror/thriller, super-tidy writing is not the most important thing in this genre (I guess). Untill I saw the bio of Cronin at the end of the book: " He is a professor of English at Rice University". PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH.

It is never my intention to ridicule or bash, or even doubt anyone's writing skills, and, in this case, I would come off as ridiculous. The thing is, when I open the file with my latest chapter and first thing I see is every paragraph opening with the protagonist's name I curse myself, choke back tears, then start rewriting and reorganizing the whole thing so it won't look like a sloppy, unimaginative, unprofessional mess. Then I read a bestselling book written by a professional and there you go- every sentence is just a variation of "X did that". I felt like, well, crazy.

 

[Richard Turner]

It is frustrating when you come across bad writing in a PUBLISHED book. I picked up on one thing which the others didn't - "there was a quick spark at impact". "Spark" seems to me to be completely the wrong word - unless the person was wearing chain mail or some such.

 

[Marc Joan]

It is frustrating when you come across bad writing in a PUBLISHED book. I picked up on one thing which the others didn't - "there was a quick spark at impact". "Spark" seems to me to be completely the wrong word - unless the person was wearing chain mail or some such.

Agrred -- that was what I meant by 'some bits puzzling the reader' -- why on earth would there be a spark?

 

[Marc Joan]

Hey guys

Thanks for the answers Now let me explain. This fragment wasn't written by me. It's a paragraph from Justin Cronin's bestselling, praised-to-heaven book "The passage". I liked the book content-wise, but kept wincing time after time at the poor execution. Starting with the fact that apparently there is no other way to wipe your mouth except with the back of ones hand, through scenes so repetitive that I felt deja vu every couple of pages and, finally, fragments like this one.

It was fine. Really. It's a horror/thriller, super-tidy writing is not the most important thing in this genre (I guess). Untill I saw the bio of Cronin at the end of the book: " He is a professor of English at Rice University". PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH.

It is never my intention to ridicule or bash, or even doubt anyone's writing skills, and, in this case, I would come off as ridiculous. The thing is, when I open the file with my latest chapter and first thing I see is every paragraph opening with the protagonist's name I curse myself, choke back tears, then start rewriting and reorganizing the whole thing so it won't look like a sloppy, unimaginative, unprofessional mess. Then I read a bestselling book written by a professional and there you go- every sentence is just a variation of "X did that". I felt like, well, crazy.

Yup, I never thought you'd written it, and was wondering when you'd spill the beans. I share your pain, but there's nothing you can do other than keep on keeping on.

 

[Bluma Bezbroda]

Yup, I never thought you'd written it

I'll take that as a compliment

 

[Marc Joan]

I'll take that as a compliment

I certainly thought you'd have made a better job of it, but as you suggest, given the quality of the paragraph, it's not that much of a compliment...

 

[Katie-Ellen]

Clunky.